


The Journey Home

by writingcommander



Series: THe Journey Home Series [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming Out, F/F, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, POV Clarke Griffin, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soulmates Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2020-12-17 07:23:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 67,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21050528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingcommander/pseuds/writingcommander
Summary: After a bad accident, Clarke wakes up to find that ten years of her memory have disappeared. She has now found herself in a life she never chose and a stranger she can't stay away from. This is NOT a love story, it is a coming out story that happens to have some romance. It is a low burn regarding clexa since most of it is about Clarke figuring out who she is.





	1. Prologue

I couldn’t remember how I got to the roof. But I leaned against the railing and looked out at the view. My fear of heights was nonexistent tonight. The sky was a beautiful gray with streaks of cotton candy blue and pink. Twilight had always been my favorite time of day. That’s when the world quiets down and the skies begin to paint beautiful colors. I inhaled deeply and smiled as the sweet air filled my lungs. It smelled like chocolate, vanilla, and coffee. I hated coffee but the scent of it gave me a sense of comfort. There was a green rollercoaster across from the roof I was standing on. I didn’t know why it was in middle of nowhere but at least it was my favorite one. The banging behind me forced me to turn away from the beautiful sky and I watched as my best friend climbed the ladder.

“Wells, what are you doing here?” I smiled.

“I came to see you,” Wells replied as he stood next to me. “How are you?”

“I’m doing great. I was just about to go check out the new rollercoaster.”

“I’ll go with you,” Wells said as we walked toward the ladder. “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed me? We just went out to dinner last night,” I teased as we climbed down.

“I remember. It must have just been a long day,” Wells replied.

“Okay, weirdo,” I laughed.

Wells shook his head and laughed too. We walked along the graffiti covered streets and I couldn’t help but slow down. I loved the art that covered every inch of cement beneath my feet. I stopped completely by a painting that looked so real, I actually believed there was a massive hole in the ground. The buildings were covered in graffiti poetry quotes, many of my favorites. I was relieved that Wells and I didn’t grow apart after high school. The warm breeze caressed my skin while the sounds of the rollercoaster and distant sirens filled my ears.

“Have you tried this ride yet?” I asked.

“Yes, it’ll make you feel like a superhero. It’s perfect for you.”

“I never said I wanted to be a superhero,” I laughed.

“Yeah, because you would rather be the villain.”

“Why are you such an asshole?” I asked as Wells continued to laugh.

There was no line for the rides and I didn’t even find the person operating it. But Wells didn’t seem fazed by that. We sunk into the red leather seats and pulled the green metal down until the seatbelt was secured into place. Wells looked over at me as we waited for the ride to begin.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Wells said as the ride started to escalate slowly.

_“Everything looks good. I think, I think this time it's going to work!” The voice overhead blared into our ears._

“I’m going to ignore the rest of this crazy talk now,” I yelled back as the ride sped up the tracks.

_Shock in three. Two. One. Clear!_

“What did you say?” I asked.

“It wasn’t me.”

I shook off my confusion as we were thrown into a flip and toward rougher turns. I could hear the distant sirens getting louder as a shock went through my body. I gripped the handles tighter and looked over at Wells to see if he was going through the same thing. I met sad eyes as Wells shook his head slightly.

_Again! Ready? Clear!_

I felt another shock go through me and heard ringing in my ears.

“It’s too early,” Wells said calmly.

I looked at him in panic before darkness consumed me.


	2. Chapter 2

A steady beeping rang through my mind and flashes of warm thick blood clouded my vision. The smell of antiseptic made my head spin as I struggled to breathe. I fought against heavy lids to open my eyes. The bright lights caused a groan to escape from my lips and I quickly closed my eyes again. The needle in my vein drew my curiosity and I forced my eyes open again. Hospital. Fuck. I closed my eyes and dug my head back into the pillow. I hated hospitals. Even though I practically grew up in them, I still hated the smell of sick people and the way the air always had a chill attached to it. The only thing that kept me from gagging was the smell of coffee. I could feel the bandage on the back of my head as I pressed it into the pillow. There was a weight against my side and I looked down to find a woman sleeping in the chair with her head by my stomach. The woman’s brown hair was covering most of her face. I tried to adjust my body but the movement caused her to jump in the chair.

Crystal green eyes looked up at me and reduced the pain in my body to a dull ache. The white button down she was wearing was wrinkled and her hair looked like it needed a good brushing.

“Who are you?” I asked the brunette.

“What? Clarke, it’s me,” She answered.

I stared back at her blankly and watched as her expression flickered from confusion to concern. The brunette rushed out of the room and returned moments later with the doctor.

“Hello, Clarke. My name is Dr. Prescott,” he smiled.

Dr. Prescott was tall and broad. His hair was a mixture of black, gray, and white. He looked strong and confident while his face was kind and soft.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You were in a car accident last night. How are you feeling?” He replied.

“Car accident?” I repeated anxiously. “Where is Wells? Is he okay?”

The brunettes eyes opened wide and I saw the room reflected inside of them. Dr. Prescott opened his mouth to reply but she interrupted him and asked if they could talk outside. I let out a frustrated huff as they exited. I wished someone would just tell me what is going on so that I could get out of here. The longer they stayed outside, the longer I would be stuck there. Moving hurt but I tried to feel around for the nurse’s button. They came back into the room before I found it.

“Sorry about that. How are you feeling?” Dr. Prescott asked again.

“I got into a car accident. I’m not feeling great,” I snapped. “Why aren’t you telling me where Wells is?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. He is not my patient but I promise to find out soon. Right now we need to run a few tests while a nurse contacts your family,” Dr. Prescott explained. “Please tell me what you remember about last night.”

“Everything feels really fuzzy. I just remember waiting for Wells to pick me up.”

“You don’t remember anything else?” The brunette interrupted.

My eyes met the woman still standing behind the doctor. She looked terrified and exhausted as she steadied herself against the wall. Her hair was messy and her eyes were bloodshot. I closed my eyes and tried to find a useful memory. But they were too broken.

“I can’t remember. I don’t know,” I answered.

“It’s ok. How would you rate your pain right now? One being low, ten being extreme.”

“My stomach and head are throbbing.”

I tried to focus on the doctor but all I could see was the woman I couldn’t remember. It would be rude to ignore the doctor and ask her who she is again. The only thing I could do was get through the questions quickly.

“How bad would you say the pain is?” Dr. Prescott repeated.

“Six. Is anything broken?” I asked as I rubbed my bandaged head.

“You had a cut on your head, we had to stitch it. You also broke two ribs and your neck will be sore for a while. You are really lucky to be alive right now.”

“Did anyone get hurt?”

“There was no one else in the car with you. The other driver is fine, he has already been released.”

“Where is my family?”

“They were here all night, I sent them home this morning. But before I send you to the lab, can you tell me what year it is?” Dr. Prescott asked.

“Of course. 2008,” I answered.

“Okay, I need to be honest with you. It seems like the trauma from last night’s accident has affected your memories. Today is March 3rd, 2018.”

All I could feel is panic and confusion. I wanted to ask questions, so many questions. But none of them were finding their way to my lips. Dr. Prescott must have seen my panic and continued with his explanation.  
“It’s ok not to understand everything right now. This is all very overwhelming. But this does happen with patients who have been in a traumatic experience,” Dr. Prescott explained.

“Most of the time the memory loss is temporary. Right, Doctor?” The stranger asked as she sat on the bed and patted my leg quickly. I was grateful for the question I forgot to ask. I didn’t mind her touch and was disappointed when she pulled her hand away. Maybe I needed some physical comfort.

“We do need to do some tests to see how everything is in there,” He smiled as he walked to the door and called the nurse. “Allison, please take Clarke to the lab for the scans.”

The nurse released the wires on the side of the bed and wheeled me to the lab. The tests went on for what seemed like hours. I never wanted to see another machine again. And if I had to answer one more question about a night I obviously couldn’t remember, then I would have started making things up. I was exhausted by the time the nurse wheeled me back into the room. The stranger was still there. I looked at her as she shifted in the chair and asked the question that had been jumping on my tongue since I woke up.

“Unfortunately my memories haven’t returned in the past few hours. So, who are you?”

“My name is Lexa,” she answered unsteadily. “We met a couple years ago.”

I searched my mind but was unable to locate Lexa anywhere in my memories. Yet, I couldn’t deny how familiar those green eyes were.

“We were close?”

“Very close,” Lexa promised.

“What have I missed?” I asked.

Lexa looked at me and smiled for the first time since I woke up. She had the kind of smirk that automatically pulled a small smile from me too.

“I think you need to wait for your family. I’m sure they can explain things better than I can. They got here about ten minutes ago but you were in the lab so they went to find the doctor. They should be back any minute. How about I get you something to eat or drink for now? Maybe some tea?”

“That sounds good. I drink my tea with three sugars and cream.”

“I know,” Lexa smiled before she walked away.

A few moments later, I heard my mother’s voice in the hall and sat up straighter. She rushed into the room and hugged me gently as soon as she got to the bed. I buried my face in her chest and let all the tension of the last few hours melt. I may have missed ten years but she still smelled like lavender shampoo and hand sanitizer. I pulled away when I heard the door open.

“Finn?” I asked curiously.

“I’m here,” he replied as he kissed my head.

“I can’t believe this happened. I was so scared,” my mother rushed as she examined the cuts on my face. “I told you that car was cursed.”

“Cursed?” I asked.

“Yes, cursed. You got into an accident the first week you got it and now this.”

“Abby, I keep telling you the car isn’t cursed. The only thing that matters is that you’re ok,” Finn said.

“Where did Lexa go?” my mother asked.

“She went to get me a cup of tea.”

“I have to ask her something actually. I’ll be back in a minute,” Finn said.

I watched as Finn left the room just as the nurse came in. She was a different nurse than the one I already met. She was small with short black hair and a round face.

“Hello, Clarke,” she smiled. “My name is Jill and I’ll be your nurse for the night. I need to check your vitals real quick.”

“I’ll get out of the way,” My mother said before she left the room.

The nurse finished her routine and left the room. I waited in bed and rubbed the arm around my IV. There was a large window across the wall that overlooked the skyscrapers in the city. I wished I had my camera in that moment. There was a perfect sunset just begging to be captured. I turned away when Lexa walked into the room and placed the tea on the small table by the bed.

“Finn and I broke up, why did he just kiss me?” I asked quickly.

“Because he’s your husband.”

“Husband?!” I asked.

“Relax, please?” Lexa winced. “You got married almost ten years ago.”

“How? How did we end up married?”

“Are you asking me to explain how the union of marriage works? He was the boy next door, you grew up with him, eventually got married. I think that sums it up nicely,” Lexa smiled.

Sarcasm dripped from her words and I understood why Lexa was obviously a close friend

“Am I happy?”

“Finn has been good to you,” Lexa replied softly. “You even have kids.”

I tried to reply. I wasn’t sure what to reply with. The words stammered around my dry tongue but I cleared my throat and attempted to ask questions.

“How – How many?”

“Three. Two boys and a girl,” Lexa smiled.

“We always said we would have two boys and a girl. How old are they?” I asked as I tried to sit up. It felt like Lexa wasn’t answering the questions fast enough.

“Aden is eight, Madi is four and Zack is almost two.”

“Wow, I – ” I focused on taming my desperation in order to focus on the millions of questions that ran through my mind. I had kids. Three of them. Whenever Finn and I planned our future, we always wanted three of them. But now they existed and I had never met them.

I didn’t have a chance to organize my words before Dr. Prescott walked back into the room with my mother and Finn.

“I need to discuss test results with the family, would you mind waiting outside?” Dr. Prescott asked Lexa.

“She can stay,” I insisted as Lexa turned to leave the room.

Lexa smiled gratefully and we waited for the doctor to speak.

“I’ve looked over all the test results and everything looks physically fine. There is some swelling where you hit your head but it looks like it will heal normally. Memory loss is common when a traumatic experience causes a head injury.”

“Are the memories gone forever?” my mother asked.

“I can’t give you any guarantees. She is healthy and the physical injuries she suffered will heal. However, memory loss is tricky and unpredictable. Patients have usually gotten their memories back but the time it takes varies greatly. I’ve seen patients who got them back within a few hours or days. But it could also last several months and even years.”

Or maybe they won’t return. I might never get them back. The reality of the situation was finally tumbling on me. I wanted to remember the last ten years. I struggled to breathe as I thought about everything I missed and everything I might never remember.

“How do we treat this?” Finn asked.

“Treatment varies case by case. I believe therapy will help greatly. Stress should be kept to a minimum as well.”

“But the physical injuries will heal soon?” my mother asked.

“Yes, the ribs will heal the slowest. But everything should be healed within four to six weeks. I’ll be here of course and we will have bi-weekly checkups to ensure that everything is healing nicely.”

“When can I go ho – when can I leave?” I finally asked.

The thought of leaving the hospital should have comforted me but I had no idea where I will be going. The anxiety of an unknown house and an unknown family scared me more than needles and a cold hospital room.

“We need to keep you here a few days for observation but we will have you out as soon as possible.”

“Thank you,” I replied as Dr. Prescott turned to leave the room.

“I should get going too,” Lexa announced.

“Now? Are you sure?” I asked anxiously.

“Lexa is probably very busy. We’re here,” my mother insisted.

I nodded and noticed Finn glaring at Lexa as she walked away. But it must have been my imagination. Lexa seemed like an incredible friend.

Finn wasn’t the skinny twenty-one year old boy I remembered. He stood straighter. His hair was shorter but still wavy and dark. His eyes were more mature but still kind and brown. I smiled as I realized that the years had been good to him.

“It will be okay. The memories will come back," Finn reassured me.

I nodded hesitantly at his words. I couldn’t believe his reassurance when we had no idea.

“We have kids now?” I asked for confirmation.

“We do,” Finn smiled as he pulled out a pack of candy from his pocket.

I took the sour flavored candy and saved it on the table next to me. I had never been a lover of anything sour but it was kind of him to try.

“I’ll ask the doctor if we can bring them to visit before I leave,” my mother promised.

“Thank you. How are they doing with this?”

“They don’t understand, they just miss you. Your father is with them now,” my mother replied.

“I can’t remember what they look like,” I confessed.

Finn pulled his phone out of his pocket and a few seconds later, I was staring at the faces of my children. Aden resembled Finn but his hair was lighter and he got my father’s eyes. Madi had mixed features. She had dark hair like her father but her blue eyes came from me. Zack looked like my father, blue eyes, blonde curls and dimples. Finn was watching intently and I wished I could reassure him that I remembered these faces.

I traced the picture with my fingertips. I didn’t know how to take care of children. I couldn’t even wake up early enough to make it to my 8am class. The longing I felt as I traced the picture confused me. My heart was being squeezed tightly and I wanted to call the doctor in case it was a heart attack. Breathing became harder and my whole chest felt heavy. But underneath all the stressful fear I was feeling, there was another emotion that was just as strong. I missed these children that I didn’t remember. I wanted to hug them tightly and release all my confusion into them. Their smiles were contagious and I felt dull pangs in my heart.

“When can I see them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Clarke and Lexa reconnect, Clarke meets the kids!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Got the next chapter earlier than expected! Enjoy :-)

I had only been awake for five hours but my body began to shut down. My eyes stung and my jaw hurt from constantly yawning. The room was dark and I enjoyed the lull of the machines around me. Everyone left after the doctor promised to let the children come visit the day after tomorrow. He insisted that he keep an eye on me tomorrow and if everything remained stable, I could see them the next day. The last thing I remembered was a nurse checking my vitals before I fell asleep.

******

The whispered mutters floated into my mind and I closed my eyes tightly. I wasn’t ready to wake up, I barely slept. But my curiously eventually won. My eyes fluttered open as I listened to the conversation outside of my opened door.

“Did she sleep well?” I heard Lexa ask.

“We gave her something for the anxiety. Patients have a hard time sleeping with all the noise going on but she seems extremely calm. We usually have to be very careful and offer hospital therapy in these types of situations but she’s completely fine.”

“I knew she would be. Clarke processes things very differently than most people. She is a philosopher who studied logic and survival. That helps when she’s in a stressful situation.”

“I imagine it will eventually hit her. Hopefully she will have the support she needs then.”

“She will. I’ll wait inside until she wakes up if that’s ok?”

I smiled as I waited for Lexa to walk into the room. She was holding three big bags and looked too comfortable for someone in a hospital. Her hair was wet and she was wearing sweatpants and a college shirt. I laughed and Lexa looked up in surprise.

“You’re awake,” Lexa smiled.

“You’re observant,” I teased.

“Well, you certainly seem more like yourself,” Lexa shook her head.

“Are you moving in? I don’t know if that’s allowed.”

“Are you, Clarke Griffin, really lecturing me about rule breaking?”

“Of course not,” I scoffed quickly. “You just seem like someone who follows the rules. I would love to know how we even became friends.”

“How did you assume all that after we met one time?”

“You were respectful of my family and the rules yesterday. You didn’t question or argue, just agreed to leave until I told you to stay.”

“I like rules,” Lexa whispered.

“I can tell,” I chuckled. “What’s in the bags? Seriously, they won’t let you move in.”

“I know,” Lexa said as she rolled her eyes. She placed the bags down on the bed and opened the first one.

“I got your favorite blanket. I know you like to be warm in bed and hospitals are cold. The sheet and blanket they give you are never enough.”

“Wow. Thank you,” I replied. Lexa nodded then opened the second bag.

“I also bought you food. There’s no way you’re touching hospital food. So, cookies, chocolate, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. I also got you a new phone, the old one is completely smashed. I signed in with your account so all your contacts are added. The pictures and messages are gone though.”

“This is incredible, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. That’s what friends are for, right?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah, right. And why are you in pajamas?”

“Everyone works today so they probably won’t be able to spend much time with you. I figured you could use the company.”

“I – “

I stopped talking when I heard a knock at the door followed by Dr. Prescott walking into the room.

“Clarke, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m feeling ok. Tired and sore, but better.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Your body will be recovering so that feeling won’t go away for a few weeks. The nurse will be in to check your vitals in a few minutes but I need to check the injuries right now and replace the bandages. Do you mind?”

I nodded and Dr. Prescott started with my head. He moved my hair out of the way and removed the bandages. I could feel his hands skim over a bald spot on the side of my head.

“Did you shave off my hair?” I asked impatiently.

“We had no choice. You hit your head on the window and I needed to stitch the cut. It isn’t very noticeable, I tried to keep it as clean and hidden as I can.”

After he put a fresh bandage, he moved his hands down to my neck and asked me to move it from side to side. My neck and shoulders were stiff and sore but most of the pain was in my head and ribs.

“I need to check your ribs now. It will hurt but I need to make sure they aren’t moving out of place. For the next few weeks, you will need to take things as easy as possible. You have to ice them three times a day and do not bend. The nurse will teach you the deep breathing techniques that you should do three times a day. That will help them heal faster. Of course, I will give you pain medications as well.”

“Ok,” I nodded uncertainly. It was too much information. Too many instructions and too much was unknown.

Dr. Prescott lifted my shirt and pressed down gently on my ribs. I hissed and groaned but tried not to move. My stomach was swollen and angry blue marks colored my skin.

“They are healing fine but this is only the third day. It will take time and patience. I gave you a shot that should reduce the swelling and bruising. I’ll keep an eye on them the next few days. Then I expect you to come in every two weeks for checkups,” Dr. Prescott said as he covered my stomach.

“Thank you,” I replied as he smiled and walked out of the room.

“You ok?” Lexa asked.

“I’m ok,” I nodded. “Just feeling confused.”

“That won’t go away for a while. But you have people who love you and are willing to help you. I’m here, I’m willing to help you.”

“Thank you.”

There was another quick knock on the door before the nurse walked into the room with a tray of food.

“Good morning ladies,” she greeted cheerfully. “I have your breakfast and medications. The doctor prescribed pain medications, antibiotics, and anti inflammation pills.”

The nurse put the tray down on to the table and handed me a small cup of pills with a cup of water. I took them and quickly swallowed all the medication and water.

“Great! Now I just need to check your vitals and I will leave you alone.”

The nurse slipped the blood pressure bag up my arm and waited as the machine did the work. Lexa stood up and poured the milk into the empty cup then took out the cookies she bought.

“Perfect. Now open your mouth for me please,” the nurse continued. I opened my mouth and she slid the thermometer under my tongue.

“No fever. Can you tell me the level of pain you are in from one to ten?”

“Seven,” I replied.

“The pain killers will kick in soon. Everything else looks good. Enjoy your breakfast!”

“Thank you,” I replied as the nurse left the room.

“Here you go,” Lexa said as she handed me the cup of milk and cookies. “I know you won’t eat the cereal they give you.”

I smiled and took a bite of the cookies. Lexa chuckled when she heard a moan fall from my lips.

“I’m surprised you aren’t going through sugar withdrawals.”

“I think I am. But I didn’t realize because of all the other pain I’m feeling. Will you tell me stories while I eat? I don’t remember anything about you.”

“What story would you like to hear?”

“How did we meet?” I asked.

“Oh that’s one of your favorite stories actually,” Lexa smiled. “We met two years ago at an internet café. I printed out a story I had written and when I got to the printer, I couldn’t find my story.”

“You’re a writer?”

“Sh, don’t interrupt,” Lexa warned teasingly and laughed when I groaned. “So, I’m searching for my story and I ask the girl working there for help. Then I look over and see you standing by the counter reading my story!”

“That sounds like something I would do,” I smirked.

“I got really annoyed and took the story from you.”

“You definitely didn’t take it nicely. I bet you snatched them impolitely.”

“Impolitely? You were reading my private papers! That is exactly what happened, you actually got upset that I took my papers away.”

“Obviously, it’s not very nice.”

“Anyway,” Lexa ignored the last comment and continued the story. “I ask why you’re reading it and you said that you thought the person who printed it forgot it because it took me five minutes to get them.”

“Makes sense, five minutes is a long time. Maybe you had forgotten it.”

“I didn’t forget it. I was packing my stuff and shutting down the computer before I picked up the papers. How was I supposed to know that some insane woman would start reading my story?”

“Hey! Be nice!”

“Ok ok, sorry. Anyway, I explain that it’s rude to read peoples private things and I’m about to leave but you decide to comment on my story. I was completely shocked, first you read my private stuff without permission, and then you actually try to give me feedback!”

“I was obviously just trying to be helpful. Do you have a temper issue?”

“No, I really don’t. I’m a calm person. I was just stunned,” Lexa insisted.

“What was my feedback?”

“The story was about a young knight named Julian – ”

“Julian is an old man’s name!” I interrupted. “Sorry, go on.”

“That’s what you said. That his name sucked. That I should name him Noah.”

“Oh that’s a good idea, Noah is so much better.”

“Yeah, well. I couldn’t even respond, I just turned around and left.”

“Did you just leave? Or did you stomp off loudly?” I asked.

“Why does that even matter?”

“I’m trying to picture it, I imagine you stomping off loudly.”

“Maybe. I don’t remember,” Lexa obviously lied.

“I assume we met again?”

“You wouldn’t leave me alone,” Lexa teased.

“If you got as angry as I imagine you did then I was probably really amused.”

“You showed up at that café every day for two weeks and harassed me until I told you my name.”

“Did you work there?”

“No. We both worked close by and we had seen each other there before. It’s a popular lunch spot in the area. You probably figured it’s the best place to find me.”

“Then we became friends?” I asked curiously.

“No way, you managed to annoy me more and I avoided you for a while. But then we ended up in the same writing workshop.”

“HA! Now that’s fun. You loved it didn’t you?”

“Are you kidding? I was so angry. Out of all the workshops in the city, I couldn’t understand how the hell you managed to end up in mine,” Lexa explained.

“Did I leave you alone?”

“Do you think you left me alone, Clarke?” Lexa asked.

“Hell no,” I replied with a wide grin.

“You were ecstatic that I was forced to listen to your comments about my writing.”

I leaned back into the bed and laughed quietly. Lexa grabbed her bag, pulled out a chocolate bar, and threw it at me. My face lit up as I caught the chocolate bar.

“I bet my comments were awesome.”

“Whatever. I guess they were helpful,” Lexa groaned as the smile stretched along my face.

“How did we end up here then?”

“You grew on me,” Lexa replied with a smirk.

I smiled back at Lexa while I learned why I trusted this stranger. I wanted to be skeptical, I never trusted people easily. And Finn seemed suspicious of Lexa which caused questions to form in my mind. But I couldn’t deny the natural comfort Lexa made me feel. I couldn’t deny that I didn’t want to stop talking to this woman.

“So, are you a writer too?” I asked.

“I’m not a writer professionally. Writing has always been a way for me to relax. I took that workshop for fun and because I enjoy being around writers. It’s such a different atmosphere from my usual routine.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m an engineer. I work with gas lines around the state,” Lexa replied.

“How could you just take off with a job that serious?”

“I work a lot from home. It isn’t as interesting as it sounds. There’s a lot of paperwork and plans that need to be written before we build any gas lines. Most of the time, I’m working at home with a deadline. As long as I make my deadlines, no one cares what hours I work.”

*****

The next few hours were spent in conversations and laughter as we ignored the ringing telephone in the background. I wanted to learn about who Lexa was all over again.

We didn’t stop talking until my mother and adopted sister, Octavia, came into the room. Octavia’s mother passed away during childbirth. Our mothers grew up together and my mother would not allow them to be raised by anyone else. My parents adopted Octavia and her brother, Bellamy. Octavia sat on the bed and gave me a hug. I chuckled before shoving her away playfully to look at her. She was a woman now. Her face matured but those green eyes still shined brightly. Her freckles have faded out somehow and she looked a little tanner than the pale white skin I was used to.

“Did you get that out of your system?” I joked.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that you hate hugs,” Octavia smiled.

“I lost my recent memory, not my sense of identity.”

“Well, I had to try,” she shrugged.

“I’m going to get some coffee. I’ll be back soon,” Lexa said.

“Thank you, Lexa,” my mother acknowledged before turning back to me. “Why didn’t you answer the hospital phone? We made sure to pay for it because your cell phone is gone.”

“I just haven’t been up to talking to anyone and I didn’t know who it was. I didn’t want to get stuck in a long and polite conversation.”

“Well the doctor said you are healing nicely today. He is even letting us bring the kids to see you soon. Bellamy is bringing them here tonight,” my mother said.

“Will you stay here when they come?”

“We will all be here. They don’t understand what’s going on. Just let them lead until you are better,” Octavia suggested.

“Do they know what happened?”

“We told them you hurt your stomach and head. Aden knows that you can’t remember anything but Madi and Zack are too young to actually understand,” my mother explained.

The next few hours passed slowly due to my nerves. I couldn’t decide if the room was hot or cold and my mind wouldn’t turn off enough to allow me some rest. Lexa left me alone with my family and I finally drifted off to sleep.

******

I woke up to various sounds in the hallway and tried to listen in. I didn’t have to wait too long because Aden rushed into the room.

“MOMMY!” Aden was followed by Madi and Zack, who was in Bellamy’s arms.

I’m a mother now. There were three children staring at me and I had no memories to help me speak. Bellamy smiled at me and kissed me on the forehead.

“You don’t look too good,” he laughed.

“Aden, you’re here,” I whispered.

“They told me that I can’t come close to you or you will get hurt,” he explained.

“Come here, can you be gentle?” I asked.

He sat on the edge of the bed with Madi following close behind. I could tell she was afraid by all the hospital equipment surrounding me. She was staring in shock and stayed very close to Aden. Zack was bouncing and trying to get my attention as Bellamy tightened his grip on him.

I stroked my hand on Aden’s face and he came closer. They were real and they were mine. Aden was tall, and Madi looked so much like me.

“Does it hurt?” she finally asked.

“Not right now,” I smiled at her.

Bellamy sat down on the other side of me and brought Zack close. He tried to jump into my arms but he kept him away.

“He misses you very much. He isn’t used to being away from you at all,” Bellamy explained.

I pulled a pillow over my ribs and grabbed Zack into my arms. He immediately hugged me tightly and buried his face in my neck. The weight on my ribs was painful but he felt too right to let go of. He smelled like home, as if I have any idea what home actually smells like right now. But maybe, this is it.

“We missed you,” Aden whispered.

“I’m here now,” I promised and tried to control my tears. I had no idea what I was doing right now but they belonged at my side. It was terrifying but the memories will come back and I’ll know exactly what I’m doing. I didn’t know what they were expecting or what I’m supposed to say.

“Mommy, Aden called me a baby ten times!” Madi yelled.

“She is a baby! She cries all the time for no reason. I get a headache, mom.”

“It’s still not nice to call her a baby. She’s a big girl. Right, Madi?”

“Yes. Loser,” she whispered to Aden.

“You heard that, right? See? She’s such a baby.”

“Stop fighting or I’m taking you all home,” Bellamy threatened. “Now, who wants to tell their mom about their day?”

“I’m telling her first!” Madi yelled.

“She always has to go first. I hate her,” Aden argued.

Bellamy whispered something in Aden’s ear that made him giggle and back off.

“I got a sticker today because I cleaned up and my teacher said I was the best,” Madi started. “Then Zoran was such a loser baby. He kept crying because I didn’t want to play with him.”

“Well, why didn’t you want to play with him?”

“Because he’s a loser baby. I didn’t want to play with him and he cried like such a baby,” she explained.

“Honestly, that makes perfect sense. But next time, maybe you can play with him a little?” I asked.

“No! I won’t play with him if he cries.”

“You won’t win,” Bellamy muttered to me.

“Okay, well hopefully he won’t cry tomorrow and you can play with him,” I smiled. “I’m really proud of you for cleaning up! What kind of sticker did you get?”

“It was a stars sticker. I only got one but there was so many of them and she only gave one.”

“She was probably saving them for the other kids,” Aden suggested.

“Stop it!” she yelled back.

“Stop what, baby?” Aden teased.

“Stop talking to me, loser!”

“Enough! What did I tell you?” Bellamy reminded them.

Zack was trying to cover my face and keep my attention as they argued.

“Hi mama,” he whispered in my neck.

I smiled and hugged him tighter until Bellamy pulled him off a little.

“You need to be careful. I’ll take him.”

“I got into a fight with Charlie today because we lost at kick ball and he said it was my fault,” Aden said.

“That’s not nice. Losing is never one persons fault. Besides, it’s a game. He needs to have fun,” I explained.

“That’s what I told him but he didn’t care and he was so mean. He told everyone that it was my fault.”

“What did you do about it?”

“Nothing. The teacher heard him and she took him somewhere for a talk.”

“That’s good then. As long as someone did something about it,” I smiled. “Did anything good happen today?”

“I got my project back and my teacher loved the painting that we did!”

“But mommy, I have show and tell tomorrow,” Madi interrupted.

“Hi everyone,” the nurse greeted as she came into the room. “I hate to break up the party but your mom needs to get some rest. I’ll give you a few minutes to wrap up?”

I nodded and she left the room. Bellamy told them to finish their stories and he promised to take them out for ice cream after. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him with my children. He was no longer the twenty-one year old I remembered who used to look for trouble whenever he can. His hair was a lot shorter, his voice was calmer, and his smile was a strong reassurance that everything will be ok, and he won’t leave me. Bellamy and I have had our share of fights. But in that moment, I was so happy to have the brother I didn’t want.

The kids finished their stories and said their goodbyes for the night. The tension that must have hidden inside of me finally slipped out and I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I was scared to meet them. I was scared I wouldn’t love them. But nothing in my life has ever felt that natural. Maybe I could figure this out. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be all about Clarke. We will finally learn some things about her past and learn what happened to Wells. 
> 
> Update will upload on Saturday 10/26/19
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient with me! This chapter took me a long time to write because it was mostly about Clarke and Finn. I'm not great with heterosexuality. Definitely my weakest point. Any advice you have on this would be greatly appreciated!!

Octavia picked me up from the hospital and after an hour of checking out, we were finally on our way home. I slowly made my way out of the car and followed Octavia to the front door. We walked into the house and I smelled the familiar lavender air freshener I always used in my bedroom. I smiled at the scent as my nerves relaxed slightly. 

“So, how about a tour?” Octavia asked with a smile.

I nodded and followed her. I looked around the comfortable living room and dining room. My hand brushed over the black suede couches as I walked toward the kitchen. The charcoal cabinets were definitely a nice touch, I was certain this house was mine.

“I have really good taste, don’t I?”

“I’m glad your confidence hasn’t suffered after the accident,” Octavia replied with a roll of her eyes.

“Can I see my favorite room? Do you know which room it is?”

Octavia’s eyes lit up as she nodded and started walking down the stairs behind the kitchen. The basement was turned into a playroom and a smile spread across my face.

“This was the most important thing on my house checklist when I was younger. Do you remember? I always wanted to build a room for my kids to be able to hang out in. We never had that.”

“You designed this whole room and even painted most of the art on the walls.”

Every wall was painted a different color and it brought the whole room to life. I was happy that it wasn’t a gloomy basement. I noticed a painting of a sunset with my name at the bottom and a cartoon painting with Aden’s name. We walked further in and I knew the room I loved had to be the one at the end.

I took a deep breath, prayed for a memory to come and opened the door. The room had a desk, bookcase, easel, and a punching bag. The walls were a pistachio color and there was a picture of a penguin hung up. The desk had pens in every color and stacks of spiral notebooks. The room was full of books. Philosophy, history, fiction and even children's books. In a corner was the easel and shelves of paint and canvases. The smell of art flowed through my body and I released a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. I walked toward the bookcase and looked through them. 

“I don't remember most of these stories.” 

“Every time you finished a series or a book that you loved, you would get so upset because you thought you lost your friends. Now you can read them again for the first time. Maybe it will help jog the memories. Please read them slowly this time though. I really can’t listen to you complain that they finished too quickly again,” Octavia smiled.

I chuckled and nodded my head. I sat at my desk and flipped through the notebooks. Most of them were filled with pages and pages of writing. They were full of letters and poems; some even had doodles and funny sketches. The easel had a canvas on it with a painting of colored houses along a street. 

“That looks pretty cool. I love all the colors I used in this painting.”

“Yeah, I think it’s the colors of the rainbow. You haven’t told me about this one yet.”

“I will definitely tell you all about it once I remember. Maybe I’ll paint tonight and see if it helps.”

“What do I do with these paintings?”

“Nothing, you do it because it helps you relax. You are taking a break from work right now so painting and writing keep you entertained.”

“What did I used to do?”

“You were an editor for a magazine until a month before Madi was born. You decided to stay home with her and then you had Zack,” Octavia explained as she walked out of the office and sat down on the couch.

“What does Finn do?” I asked as I sat down next to her.

“He owns a wholesale clothing factory with his family. They make those t-shirts with the funny sayings.”

The doorbell rang and Octavia offered to answer it. I smiled as I looked at all the art and toys around the family room. I heard Octavia coming down the stairs with someone else and looked up curiously.

“Mom,” I said with a smile, “what are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you. How are you feeling?”

“Still a little drained and tired but I’m happy to be out of the hospital.”

“I’m going to the grocery store to pick up a few things then I’ll pick up the kids from school. Zack is with your mother in law, I’ll pick him up too after I get Aden and Madi,” Octavia said as she turned around and walked toward the stairs.

“You’re the best!” I yelled back at her as she walked away.

“Did you eat yet? The doctor said you still need to rest.”

“We just got here so I haven’t had a chance,” I replied.

“Okay. Go lay down in bed and I’ll make you some soup.”

I nodded and made my way to the stairs. The trip up was definitely harder and it took only four steps for me to lose my energy. I walked through the kitchen and dining room until I reached the staircase heading upstairs. The carpet was a dark gray with silver boxes. The ache in my ribs made me groan and I crossed my arms around my body. The pressure helped sometimes. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, I was completely out of breath. I sat at the top of the steps for a few minutes and saw the five closed doors in front of me. Once I finally caught my breath, I stood up and walked into the first room. There was a black bed with a nightstand and a television mounted onto the wall. The navy comforter on the bed had the initials AC, Aden Collins. The room was painted a light blue with a few orange and red boxes on the wall. There were colored drawings hung up on the wall and a small black desk with books and pencils in the corner. I smiled at the warmth I felt in the room then closed the door and walked down the hall.

The next room was a bathroom. It continued with the gray and white theme. The floor was silver and one of the walls was black and silver too. I closed the door and walked to the next room. It had lavender walls with a white bed, a nightstand and a bookcase in the corner. There was a small lavender couch near the window. The comforter had the initials MC and I knew that this was Madi’s room. I smiled at all the books in the bookcase. I always hoped that my children would be readers too. The next room was the smallest bedroom so far. It only had a crib and a chest. The walls were light blue with navy and white circles all over one of the walls. There were a couple of toys on the top of the chest and a stuffed animal inside of the crib.

I reached the final room at the end of the hallway and opened the door. It was the biggest room in the house. There was a silver king sized bed and a nightstand on each side. On the right side of the room was a dresser with a big mirror and the left side had two closets and a chest. I opened the first closet door and walked inside. My clothing was neatly arranged by clothing type and color. I opened the next closet and saw Finn’s clothing neatly organized as well. I grabbed pajamas and a towel and headed to the bathroom for a shower. 

I slowly removed all of my clothing and stood in front of the mirror. My blonde hair was greasy after a week in the hospital and I had a bruise by my left eye. My body wasn’t as toned as it used to be. I had love handles and my thighs were definitely thicker than I remembered. There were light stretch marks along both sides of my stomach and a few on my chest. I suddenly regretted taking my toned body for granted, I would kill to get it back right now. My stomach was still flat but it somehow sagged a little bit. I studied myself on the mirror and tried to find all of the changes in my body. I hated what I saw and for the first time since I woke up, I felt completely broken.

“They ruined my fucking body,” I muttered under my breath.

I couldn’t look at myself anymore and decided to shower. The hot water felt perfect on my sore body and after scrubbing away all the dirt and dried blood, I got out to finally put on pajamas. I walked into the bedroom, pulled down the navy comforter, and sunk into my bed with a relieved sigh. 

I had just closed my eyes when I heard my mother walking up the stairs. She came into the bedroom and put down a tray of food on the nightstand. 

“Sit up, you really need to eat something with all the medication you are taking.”

I sat up in bed and my mother handed me the tray of toast and soup. 

“Do you feel better now that you are showered and home?”

“Yes,” I replied between bites. “I hate hospitals. The smell drives me crazy and I’m so happy to be rid of that stupid IV. I don’t know how you work there every day.”

“You get used to it,” she smiled.

“Wells didn’t visit me,” I said curiously.

“He would have if he was able to,” my mother replied without making eye contact.

“What happened?” I asked as the tension snaked through my body.

“Wells passed away ten years ago.” 

My hand shook slightly and I gripped the plate I was holding, “How?”

“A drunk driver hit his car. He died before the paramedics got to him.”

“Was anyone else with him?” I asked shakily.

“You were with him. You were driving back from dinner.” 

“But why didn’t I help him until the paramedics came? I wouldn’t let him die, I wouldn’t do that.” 

My mother reached over and grabbed my hand. “You hit your head on the window and lost consciousness. The driver sped into the car, it was a very hard hit. Wells died instantly and you were truly lucky to be alive. There was nothing you could have done.”

“Okay,” I reassured my mother. “I’m too tired to eat though. Do you mind if I sleep for a little?”

“Not at all, you should be resting. I’ll be downstairs.”

My mother took the tray from my lap and headed down the stairs. I closed my eyes and tried to stop the tears I knew were close. I couldn’t sleep like this. I wanted to lay on my stomach and bury my face into the pillow. But the pain in my ribs made that impossible. The tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I breathed slowly, preferring to feel the pain in my ribs than in my chest. I went through the bag of medication on my nightstand and swallowed a pain killer. The ache and loss I was feeling was quickly spreading through my body and cutting my insides. I needed to mourn alone.

*****

I woke up to the sound of a door opening and closing slowly. Finn saw me watching him and smiled at me softly. It was a smile I could never not return. 

"Hey sweetie,” he began as he got on the bed beside me. "I dropped the kids off at your mom. I figured you could use a night alone at home to adjust." 

"That's kind of you,” I smiled and stroked his cheek. 

He closed his eyes at my touch and relaxed into my hand. There was a distance of ten years between us. I wanted nothing more than the boy I love to feel right again. But he didn't. 

"How did we get here? Married? Kids?" 

"I couldn't let you go. After Wells died, I needed to fight for us," he admitted as he squirmed to relax in bed. 

"There's a part in my brain that's still waiting for his call and I don't know how to convince myself that it's never coming." 

Finn moved closer and pulled me into his arms. I let my tears soak his chest as he stroked my hair. 

"I miss him too," he admitted softly. 

"Everyone has moved on and I haven't even grieved," I mumbled into his shirt. 

"Then grieve, it’s ok," he whispered into my hair. 

And that was everything I loved about him. The kindness, the comfort, and my best friend. He pulled me up and kissed my lips. It dawned on me in that moment that I don't remember ever kissing him. He tasted of stale mint and a hint of ketchup. I pulled away and brought my head back down to his chest. 

"My brother just asked me if you are up for a visit right now. What do you think?" Finn asked. 

"Yeah, that would be fun. I always enjoy hanging out with Emori." 

"Great! I'm going to shower before they get here," Finn yelled as he jumped off the bed. 

Lexa: Hey, how are you feeling? 

I smiled as I opened the text from Lexa. 

Clarke: I'm finally in my own bed! 

Lexa: Did you build a cocoon out of your blankets? 

This stranger seemed to know me better than I thought. I was cuddled up with two blankets and she was right, it definitely did feel like a cocoon. 

Clarke: No 🙄

Lexa: Liar. Send me a pic. 

I smiled at the response and without thinking, I sent my reply. 

Clarke: Ohh did you just ask for a naughty pic of me in bed? 

I watched as the typing dots appeared. Then disappeared. And reappeared once again. Maybe I went too far with that joke. But before my panic escalated, the reply flashed on my screen. 

Lexa: You can send me whatever pic you want 😏

I laughed and couldn't help the idea that began to form in my mind. I searched online for a picture to send. 

Clarke: There you go, just for you, a dirty bed pic 😂 😂 

I couldn’t seem to wipe off my grin at my idea: a picture of a messy and dirty bed.

"What are you smiling at?" Finn asked with a grin. I jumped at the sound of his voice. I had forgotten he was still here.

“Oh I just saw a funny picture,” I lied quickly. “What time will John and Emori get here? I need to get dressed too.

I grabbed my clothing and went to change. Why did I feel the need to lie? I was just joking with Lexa. My guilt and confusion unsettled my stomach. Finn has always been my best friend. Every since his family moved in when I was two years old. He stole my doll and I bit his shoulder. My mother told me I have been bullying him ever since. My accident must have affected me more than I realized. But tonight, I’m all in. John and I have always had a fun relationship. He is the perfect person to remind me who I truly am.

“Clarkey!” John yelled as soon as he saw me coming down the stairs.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the nickname he gave me when I was five. He grabbed me into a big hug. He felt stronger than I remembered. His hair was cut short and he was wearing a suit. I barely recognized him. Emori hugged me too and I realized how much I missed her. 

“I was so worried about you,” She said softly.

I reassured them both that I am healing, that I am okay. And I figured I’ll be reassuring people of this for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is one of my favorites! Clarke and Lexas first "date" - coming sometime this week! Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter was filled with heterosexuality - I apologize! Here's a chapter filled with Clexa to make up for it! This is one of my favorite chapter so please share your thoughts!

The snow had been floating out of the skies for the last few hours and I loved watching as it found its way to the ground. Snow was always my favorite symbol of life. It arrives so pure and beautiful. It settles on to the ground and while more snow comes, a mountain of white is formed. It’s soft and clean, fresh and new. That was the best part of snow, the way it shined brightly at first. I hated when the world eventually turned it black. When people would step on it and animals stained it. The purity never comes back and one day, it dissolves into nothing. But that moment, the beginning of its life, that was beautiful. I had been home for three weeks when the snow began. It never snowed this late into March but it was a stubborn winter. I was enjoying the silence when I heard the doorbell.

“Lexa, hi,” I greeted.

“Hey, I just wanted to check on you. I hope that’s ok.”

“Of course, come on in.”

“Thank you. Where is everyone?”

“Finn took the kids to visit his mom so I could relax for a bit,” I answered.

“Are you feeling ok?”

“Yes. I haven’t had a migraine in two days! The bruises are starting to fade. My ribs are still really sore but I’m taking it easy.”

“Good. How is Zack handling you not picking him up?”

“He seems really cranky. My mom and Octavia have been here most of the time and they keep him company. I did cuddle with him a little but it hurts to move too much and he always manages to touch somewhere he shouldn’t,” I laughed.

“I bet he misses cuddling with you all day. Can you walk?”

“Walking doesn’t hurt as much as bending or lifting. The stretch even feels good sometimes.”

“Let’s go for a walk?” Lexa asked. “I know how much you like the snow.”

“I do, is it cold though?”

“Not too cold. The snow usually breaks the icy weather.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

I put on my boots and bundled up with my jacket, gloves, and hat. I locked the door and walked outside. 

“Doesn’t the air smell so much fresher after it snows?” I asked.

“Yes. It’s actually scientifically proven.”

“Wow, you’re a real nerd and everything, aren’t you?” 

“Yep, a real nerd. I even have glasses at home,” Lexa smirked.

“Sexy!” 

“How has it been at home?”

“Overwhelming. I don’t think I’ve sorted anything in my head yet because there’s always someone there. I’m grateful for the help. I can’t handle this on my own. But I haven’t been able to think.”

“It’s a tough situation, I know how much you appreciate your quiet time. I wish I could help too.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re busy. Big shot engineer and all.”

“I’m hardly a big shot,” Lexa chuckled. “I just write formulas all day.”

“To be honest, I have no idea what an engineer even does. Do you enjoy your job?”

“There are so many different types of engineers. I do enjoy it but I wish I could be out in the field more,” Lexa explained. “It’s sort of like when you were an editor. You used to tell me that you loved fixing and helping to build a story but you would rather be the one writing it.”

“I have always loved creating stories. I can’t even imagine being an editor. Was I any good?”

“You were incredible. You got a reputation as a brutal but straight forward editor,” Lexa explained with pride.

“Really?” I laughed. “Did I like it?”

“It was a job that allowed you to read books and yell at people. You loved it.”

“I totally get it now,” I laughed again.

“How are you settling in at home?” Lexa asked.

“Honestly, I feel like so much of my life hasn’t changed. My friends are all the same, my family is the same, the house is what I’ve been dreaming about my whole life. Everything is so perfect,” I explained.

“I’m happy that you’re happy.”

There was a subtle sadness in Lexa’s voice but I didn’t remember her enough to understand it. It tugged at my heart and I wanted nothing more than to comfort her.

“Does your family live around here?” I asked.

“It’s just my brother Lincoln and I.”

“What about your parents? Cousins?”

“They live in another country.”

Lexa’s short answers were enough for me to back off of the topic. We walked in silence and I smiled as snow landed on my face and jacket. Lexa smiled back and her eyes seemed to get brighter. I couldn’t help but watch them every time she spoke. 

“Let’s play twenty questions,” Lexa suggested.

“I love that game! Ok, what kinds of questions?”

“Anything you want, you can start.”

“Ok,” I smiled. “Let’s see, easy start, when is your birthday?”

“October 17th.”

“You’ll be turning thirty?” 

“Yes. My turn?”

“Yeah, old lady, your turn,” I smirked.

“You do realize that I’m exactly three months older than you, right? You’ll be thirty right after.”

“Three months is a long time!”

“Fine. I’ll let you have it,” Lexa shook her head. “If you could remember one thing from the past ten years, what would it be?”

“Our relationship.”

“Us?” Lexa asked in shock.

“Yes. Everything else in my life is predictable. This has all been laid out for me since I was a child. Finn, the house, the family, the neighborhood. I don’t care if I lost some memories there. My kids are still young, I wish I remembered some things but I am rebuilding all that too,” I explained as Lexa stopped and met my eyes. “But you, you are a complete mystery. I am so at ease with you and you seem to know me better than people that have been in my life forever. So yes, I would choose to understand us.”

“Our relationship was complicated,” Lexa began but stopped.

“It doesn’t seem complicated at all. It feels so natural.”

“It always has been, but even natural things are complicated sometimes. Anyway, your turn!”

“Mmm, what is your greatest weakness?” I asked.

“Why would I ever answer that question?” Lexa laughed.

“Because it’s part of the game. Obviously,” I explained as I rolled my eyes.

“There is always a question you can choose to answer or pass!”

“Not in my version! Now answer!” I demanded with a smile.

“I think it’s the fact that I allow people’s expectations to affect me.”

“I get what you mean. I think I might be the same way,” I confessed.

“Why do you think that?”

“I can only answer that if that’s your question,” I smirked.

“That feels like cheating, but fine, that’s my question,” Lexa answered with a roll of her eyes.

“Do you always roll your eyes at me that much?”

“Always,” she laughed.

“Since I woke up, everything really does seem perfect. But it doesn’t feel perfect,” I rambled quickly. “I got everything I ever wanted. Or everything I thought I should want. So why doesn’t it feel good? Maybe it wasn’t what I wanted, maybe it was what everyone else wanted for me. And maybe I would have wanted something else but no one ever asked me.”

“What would you have wanted?” Lexa asked, and she almost looked hopeful for some reason.

“I truly have no idea. I don’t even know who I am. How could I answer that question when I don’t know myself anymore?”

“It’s never too late to find yourself.”

“It is too late. I already built a whole life. I feel love for my children, I do. But did I want kids?” I asked with confession confusion. “I mean, I know I talked about it. But it was usually because my mom, Finn or someone else asked me how many kids I wanted. I don’t think anyone ever asked me if I wanted kids. Or if I wanted to be married. It was never an option. It was always a matter of when, not if.”

“I get that,” Lexa stopped walking and looked at me. “You do love your kids, you do want them.”

“I can’t believe I just confessed all that to you. For all I know, you could run and tell everyone what I just said,” I yelled in panic.

Lexa just looked at me and put her hand on my cheek. It was so intimate and I was completely frozen beneath the falling snow.

“I would never betray you like that. Everything you tell me is safe,” she whispered. “You’re safe with me.”

I couldn’t do anything but nod into your hand. I believed her, I was safe. I have no idea when I became so trusting, but I was safe. She removed her hand and the cold rushed back into my face. She continued walking and I followed.

“Okay. My turn. If you had the power to learn one thing about your future, what do you want to know?” I asked.

“When and how I die.”

“Good one. Why?” 

“It’ll save me a lot of stress about things I can’t control,” Lexa replied.

“Would you try to change it? What if they told you that you’ll get skin cancer and die? Would you make sure to protect your skin more?”

“No, I want to know how I’ll die. Not what I can change. The final death that I won’t avoid, I want to know that.”

“What if you die in your sleep when you’re old? Then what?”

“You know you asked at least three questions after your initial question. My turn,” Lexa laughed. “Would you rather have one best friend or a bunch of good friends?”

“I don’t know how I am now. I can only answer from how I was when I was twenty.”

“That’s okay. I’ll get to know the old you,” she smiled.

“I always had a lot of friends, but never had a real best friend. Since I was a kid, I felt like my thoughts were too weird. I was just a strange tomboy that didn’t fit with either the boys or the girls. I didn’t want to play sports but I also hated wearing dresses. I never told anyone anything because I was weird enough. How could I let them get into my head and find out I was even weirder?”

I stopped talking when I noticed that Lexa was distracted. Her cheeks were slightly pink from the cold weather and it looked like she was trying to decide something.

“You were my best friend. Before the accident, I know you don’t remember and I know you need to trust me again. But I want you to know that. We were that close,” Lexa promised.

“I wish I could remember. I really do.”

“It’s okay. I just need you to know that you aren’t alone. I’m patient.”

“Thank you,” I smiled. “Have you always wanted to be an engineer?”

“No,” Lexa laughed. “I wanted to play softball. I was really good too, got a full scholarship at a school in another state but I turned it down and ended up in engineering instead.”

“Why did you turn it down?”

“I was in love. I couldn’t leave,” Lexa admitted.

“What happened? Is he still around?”

“She.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea,” I quickly apologized. Lexa was gay. And I hated gay people. Right? I didn’t hate Lexa. I didn’t want to hate Lexa. I looked over at her and watched her staring at me with a slight smirk. “What are you smiling at?”

“You aren’t a homophobe anymore. Far from,” she explained.

“I don’t feel like one. I’m confused,” I confessed.

“Remember before, when you mentioned that you didn’t know how much was who you wanted to be and who the world made you?” I nodded and Lexa continued. “This is one thing the world tried to turn you into. And yes, it succeeded for a long time. But your heart won that battle in the end.”

“So, you didn’t hate me for it?” I asked curiously.

“Not at all. The world can be cruel. Only true heroes can undo what it taught them and find themselves in the mess,” Lexa began. “And you are definitely a hero. Now it’s my turn.”

“Okay,” I replied gently.

“What was the first thing you did once you settled in after the hospital?”

“Pass,” I answered.

“You can’t pass! That’s the main rule of this game! Your rule!!”

“Fine, I showered!”

“You showered? Why is that such an issue?” Lexa asked.

“My body sucks now. It is a mess.”

“It doesn’t suck at all. Women would be more than happy to have your body, especially after three children.”

“It does suck. There are stretch marks everywhere and some things are even sagging a little. I don’t even remember sex with my good body. Does Finn even like my body now?”

“You had three kids and your body is in better shape than Finn’s. At least you had a reason and you still got back into shape. Does he really have a right to judge?”

“We haven’t had sex since the accident. I don’t even remember what he looks like naked. Maybe he does judge.”

“He has no right to. Besides, your stretch marks barely show. You used to work out every day and you should be proud of how much your body has changed. Yes, some places aren’t back to normal yet but they will be. Zack isn’t even two yet. Give yourself some time.”

“It won’t ever be perfect again,” I whined.

“It is perfect. Society teaches us that women aren’t perfect unless they are a certain size. They don’t teach us that women are so strong and beautiful,” Lexa explained passionately. “Think about it, you carried life inside of you. Are you really going to let a man make you believe that you aren’t perfect anymore?”

“Who said a man made up that rule? Maybe it was a woman.”

“Maybe it was a woman, but I bet she was trying to please a man,” Lexa said as I laughed. “Your body is perfect. Every scar and every stretch mark. They are badges of strength and life. Don’t let society tell you otherwise.”

“I guess I didn’t think about that. I don’t even remember being pregnant.”

“It was hard and exhausting, but beautiful and a miracle. Be proud.”

I smiled at her and deep down, I believed her too. I never felt the safe comfort with anyone the way I had with this perfect stranger. My phone began ringing before I could reply.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?” Finn asked.

“Went for a walk with Lexa. Where are you?”

“Just got home. How long do you need?”

“Heading back now. I’ll be home in ten.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

“I need to head back, everyone is home.”

“Okay,” Lexa replied.

Lexa walked with me back to the house. She told me about how work has been the last few weeks. I didn’t actually understand what she was talking about. But she was so excited and passionate. I could have listened for hours.

“Want to come in?” I asked when we arrived at the house.

“Next time. I have some work to do tonight.”

“Thanks for this. I needed it,” I smiled. 

I watched Lexa get into her car and wave as she drove off. 

“Hey, had fun?” Finn asked when I walked into the house.

“Yeah, I did. I got to know Lexa a little more.” 

“That’s nice. What did you talk about?” 

“Actually, we played twenty questions. That always brings up interesting questions.”

“Really? Like what?”

“Like what would you want to know if you could know anything or if you could have one good friend or many friends, what would you prefer. Fun stuff.”

“I hate thinking about those things, I get so stressed out,” Finn laughed.

“Well I always loved philosophy so I enjoyed it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!! I have updated two chapters tonight so I'll be back next week!! Feel free to find me on tumblr, I love talking to new people!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, no Lexa in this chapter! Clarke spends time with her family, her friends, and her therapist. Also, trigger warning for anyone dealing with ADHD or other mental illnesses. We finally get into Clarke's mind a little.

I tried to lift my heavy head from the pillow as the sounds of screaming and yelling made their way into my brain. I groaned and put it over my head while the nasty migraine began to form at the bottom of my neck. 6:45. In. The. Morning. Who the hell was screaming and running at 6:45 in the damn morning? I heard the door creak open and I looked up to see Finn walking in with a smile. Even now, I still forget that all those noises are mine.

“I need to go to work today. I’ve been off for too long.” 

“What time do you need to leave?” I asked groggily.

“I have to leave in fifteen minutes. Do you want me to call Octavia to come help you with the kids?” 

I could see the concern in Finn’s face and knew that I made the right decision when I married him. But I have been home for five weeks and I could definitely handle three kids. They seemed like good kids.

“No that’s really not necessary. I will be fine.”

“Ok, I’ll try to come home as soon as I can. I’ll give you a few minutes to get out of bed and come downstairs before I leave. I fed them breakfast already so that you don’t have to worry about it.”

I nodded as Finn left the room. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually woke up before nine in the morning. I refused to even take early classes in school. But I assumed that walking up at this ungodly hour has been part of my routine in the last few years. I went to my bathroom to quickly brush my teeth and wash my face before I made my way downstairs.

Finn looked up from the table and stood up to walk toward me. He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“I have to go, everyone is downstairs. Call me if you need me.”

I nodded and decided to eat breakfast before joining my children in the family room. I heard fighting and finished the cereal quickly then walked downstairs. I couldn’t help my smile when I saw their faces light up.

“Hi Mommy, are you feeling better today? Daddy told me to take care of you,” Aden claimed proudly. 

“I feel much better,” I replied as I sat next to Zack on the floor. “Especially since I get to hang out with you guys all day.”

Madi ran to the floor and quickly sat down next to everyone else.

“Aden hit me,” Madi cried.

I chuckled and looked at Aden, waiting for him to explain the accusation.

“She took my toy and pushed me first.”

“Okay, how about you just kiss her and she will forget about it? I rather you hang out with me anyway.”

“Can we paint today?”

“That’s a great idea! Let’s go check what we have.”

I left Zack on the floor with his toys and went into my office with Aden and Madi behind me. I looked through the shelves until I found the correct paint supplies. I couldn’t help the sense of comfort I felt as the smell of paint hit me. My grip tightened around the paint bottles in my hand as my mind flashed with images of slender tanned fingers traced with lines of paint. The memory was gone as quickly as it appeared and I attempted to focus on the paint and canvases in front of me instead. 

“Aden, can you help me find everything we need?”

“I already know where everything is. We need a tablecloth, I’ll get it!”

I cleaned the table before Aden ran into the room with the tablecloth.

“You’re a really great helper. What are you going to paint?”

I spread the tablecloth over the table and put a blank canvas in front of Aden and Madi. Then I took out finger paint and the dot paints that Aden found. 

“I’ll pick up Zack,” Aden suggested before I lifted him up. “You can’t lift yet. Daddy told me.”

“Well, looks like you’re all grown up and strong,” I replied sadly.

“I’m going to paint a house!” Madi exclaimed loudly enough to break me out of my thoughts.

“That’s so exciting! Aden, what about you?”

“I’m going to paint a bridge,” he replied.

“Oh that’s incredible!” I laughed.

“One day I’m going to build bridges,” he smiled proudly. “But you told me that until I study how to build them, I should paint them.”

“Wow, I was a very smart mom, wasn’t I?” I asked with a laugh.

“I’m going to build rocket ships also!”

Aden and Madi fought as they tried to paint a picture and I watched as Zack spread the paint on the canvas with his fingers. My mind slipped into another world, with another set of fingers covered in paint. The tanned fingers were covered with streaks of white and blue. I couldn’t see the picture they were painting. Once again, the memory was gone quickly with nothing useful to hold on to.  
I shook my head in attempt of the forgetting anxiety and confusion inside of me. This moment matters more right now. I watched my children enjoying my favorite activity and even though I didn’t remember anything about them, I was learning it all over again.

An hour had passed before the kids began to get rowdy. They wanted lunch and I could not remember how to cook. How do people manage to keep children alive all their lives? I survived the last few years on pizza and grilled cheese. Well, not the last few years. As of today, those years were a very long time ago. But before I could panic, and before the crankiness got worse, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” Aden yelled.

“Do not open the door for anyone!” I warned as I tried to move quickly. I left Zack crying to get to the door before they opened it to a stranger.

“Hey guys!” I heard as I got upstairs. It was my best friend, Harper.

“Didn’t I tell you not to open the door?” I asked sternly.

“Oh shush,” Emori said from behind her. “They looked out the window before they opened the door. Very responsible of you, Aden.”

“Hey, Aunt Clarke,” a little boy next to Aden called out.

“She doesn’t know who you are, Jordan,” Aden explained with a roll of his eyes.

“I know, my mom told me that your mom can’t remember anything,” Jordan explained. “That’s why I just reminded her what her name is.”

“You know, I’m standing right here,” I interrupted. “I also know who my best friend’s kid is. I saw pictures.”

“We’re going downstairs,” Aden stated before he took off running.

“Wait! Aren’t you hungry?”

“We want pizza!” They screamed as they ran downstairs. 

“Take care of your brother!” I yelled after them.

“How have you been?” Emori asked as we sat on the couches.

“I’m hanging in there,” I answered as I placed the order for lunch on my phone. 

“I can’t even imagine going through all this,” Harper confessed. “Have you been to the doctor recently to check how you are healing?”

“Yes, I have been there twice already and I go back again next week,” I explained. “He said everything is healing nicely and quickly. I can’t lift yet and everything is still sore but I am not in pain anymore.”

“I’m sure Finn is helping a lot, he’s good like that,” Emori smiled.

“Yeah, you’re really lucky to have him,” Harper agreed. “Monty is the best dad ever but he rather be Jordan’s friend instead of helping me discipline him in any way.”

“I can’t believe you guys are married!” I laughed.

“I know, I don’t think I noticed him until I was 21 and got drunk for the first time.”

“How did it happen? I never would have imagined you two together.”

“It happened so quickly,” Harper began. “One day we were just childhood friends and the next day, we became inseparable.”

“How do you deal with his mother?” I asked. “We used to avoid his house because of her.”

“She isn’t in our lives very much.”

“Because she spreads poison everywhere,” Emori muttered under her breath.

“And you!” I turned to Emori. “How did you end up with John?”

“I used to be at your house all the time and he lived next door,” Emori explained. “After you and Finn got married, I saw him more often and please don’t make fun of me but, he just reminded me of home.”

“Really?” I laughed. “John Murphy, the kid who constantly tried to break up his dad’s marriage by terrorizing everyone, made you feel like home?” 

“Yes,” Emori blushed. “He calmed down by the time we started hanging out. Underneath all that sarcasm is a very kind man and an incredible father.”

“I remember there was a day when I lost my favorite doll. I must have been about seven. I was crying about it for days and Finn got annoyed with me because he wanted to play,” I laughed. “But John told me it’ll be okay and he’ll get me a new one if I stopped crying.”

“That’s cute,” Harper smiled. “Did he get you one?” 

“No,” I laughed. “But he succeeded in shutting me up.”

“Yep, that’s John for you,” Emori confirmed.

Our catch up session was eventually interrupted by kids fighting and screaming. However, when I went to bed that night, I was proud of myself for surviving the day as a real mom. Before then, Finn was taking care of everything. But today, I did it. I did it.

*****

The next day was my first therapy session and I was excited to learn that I would be seeing my old therapist, Dr. Greenberg. She has known me since I was sixteen but I lost touch with her after high school. 

“Clarke, come on in,” Dr. Greenberg smiled. 

My smile was instant when I saw her. It felt like a huge weight was lifted. She had always been someone I trusted unconditionally. She still looked the same as she did in high school. The same black hair, but with a few strands of gray and her eyes were as blue as ever. It was a familiar setting that I needed in that moment.

“Dr. Greenberg, I’m so glad it’s you. The last thing I wanted was to share my thoughts with a stranger,” I confessed. 

“I already knew that. How have you been? How’s the pain?”

“It’s getting better. The first two weeks were the worst. Now it’s more of a dull pain if I move the wrong way. Otherwise, it’s just sore.”

“That’s a good sign. It means you are healing properly. Are you settling in okay?” she asked sincerely. 

“I’m getting there. I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?” I asked.

“Well actually, you have been seeing me for about a year now.”

“Oh wow. Why?” I asked curiously. 

“A lot of reasons. But I think it would be best if we forget about the past and worked on the present. If I keep giving you information about the past, it will cause you more stress to remember it. Forget the past. We will pretend like you haven’t seen me since high school. What do you think?”

“Yeah, that might be a good idea. I’m trying so hard not to stress but it’s hard. I need to know things,” I explained.

“Of course, you want some sort of control.”

“Yes! Exactly! I just want some control,” I repeated.

“Our job will be to sort through everything you’re feeling every week. We will not revisit the past. The only thing that exists is the presence. Is that okay?”

“Yes. I need to move forward. You’re right,” I agreed.

“How has your first month at home been?”

“When I first got home from the hospital, my head was loud all the time. I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. Sometimes people would be talking to me and I would just pretend I am listening because I couldn’t even hear them.”

“That must have been really hard,” she empathized. 

“When I was a kid, I used to spend a lot of time on my own. I remember always feeling more comfortable when I wasn’t around people. Which was weird because I had a lot of friends, but I rather be by myself.”

“Why do you think that was the case?”

“I don’t really know. I guess I never felt alone when I was by myself. My own mind would keep my company. But it wasn’t as aggressive as it is now. It used to be someone I talk to. Now it’s trying to control me.”

“How have you been handing this change?”

“After the first few days, I decided to just let them talk. I relaxed in bed and imagined I was hanging out in my own mind. I gave each voice a body and turned my mind into a room for them. Now when they all yell and talk over each other, I just imagine a family fighting. Each one wants to be heard. There’s anxiety, fear, danger, excitement; they are all people living in my mind. I sound insane, don’t I?”

“Actually, that method is brilliant. I don’t think anyone has ever described doing something like that,” she reassured.

“Well you know what they say. There is a fine line between genius and insanity,” I laughed.

“You have always done a good job of threading that line well,” she laughed.

“Thank you,” I chuckled. “I have been trying to calm them down. We have cleaned up the mess in my mind. Put all the files away. But sometimes they just don’t listen to me. They get so angry and all I can do is shut down until they stop. I get so tired.”

“I understand. Bad days happen to all of us. The most normal and sane person on the planet also has bad days. It’s okay and it’s part of being human.”

“The thing is, I have been going through this all of my life. All the voices, they have always been there.”

“Do they feel different?” she asked.

“I think they feel more mature, if that makes any sense,” I struggled to explain.

“We have been working on them for a while. It makes sense that they are calmer than you remember. All that work you did, its methods you have been mastering for months,” she explained gently.

“Was I diagnosed with anything?”

“Yes. When you first started, we had to do testing and we learned that you had ADHD.”

“But I’m not a very hyper person. Even as a child, I remember being a little quiet and would rather be on my own a lot.”

“ADHD isn’t only about your body being hyper. It’s also when the mind is hyper,” she clarified. “Don’t you remember how impulsive you were? Your mind was always going too. All that is part of ADHD.”

“Sometimes my mind just drains me completely. I don’t remember feeling that way when I was younger.”

“Because when you were younger, an imagination was allowed and encouraged. But as you got older, it became hard to balance a family and a marriage while your mind is constantly in another world.”

“Did I ever take medication for it?”

“You tried, on and off. The side effects were hard for you but you did take it when you started with me again.”

“I thought we aren’t allowed to talk about the past?” I smirked.

“We aren’t,” she laughed. “But I do think you need to know what your diagnosis is. Its important.”

“I want to be ok. I want my memories back. So much doesn’t make sense to me and I am trying so hard to sort through everything.”

“I know it’s hard,” she said with a sad look on her face. “But I believe in you. I will be here every step of the way. You can even call me at any time.”

We caught up for the rest of the session and I did feel a weight being lifted once it ended. My life was a puzzle that was spread into a thousand pieces. On some days, it seemed like I was missing so many of them. But today, I got a few back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be all about Clarke and Lexa! Yay! Will upload it this week, I promise!
> 
> Come find me!  
Tumblr: writingcommander  
Instagram: nicolehartley22


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a super long chapter but I think we all need some Clexa time right now!

**Clarke:** Are you the type of friend I can call to go shopping with?

I began kissing Zack’s stomach as I waited for the reply which came within seconds.

**Lexa:** That depends… Was I your first choice?

I laughed softly and contemplated whether the truth was a good idea.

**Clarke:** Would it be weird if I said yes?

I nervously waited for a reply to my confession.

**Lexa:** I would be flattered. When should we leave?

My smile stretched as I quickly typed a response.

**Clarke:** Pick me up in 20?

I rushed to get dressed and get Zack ready. In exactly twenty minutes, I heard the doorbell ringing. I opened the door to find Lexa on the other side.

“Hey, you’re on time. Why didn’t you just honk?”

“Because I am willing to bet all my money on the fact that you aren’t even close to ready. I don’t want to wait in the car for fifteen minutes,” Lexa pouted.

“Why would you think I’m not ready? Maybe I am.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. I’m ready,” I insisted to the woman who seemed to know me better than I knew myself.

“Okay, great. Where is Zack’s bag?”

“Well, I have to get it. But it is ready, Lexa.”

“Yep, I’m sure it is. I’ll go put Zack in the car while you go fill – I mean while you go grab his bag,” Lexa teased with a smirk.

“You need his car seat first. I’ll give you my keys.”

“No, I have one in my car too.”

“Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“We drive together a lot. It was just easier than moving it all the time.”

“Okay,” I replied. I never had a friend like that before. It was nice.

Lexa took Zack into her arms and he immediately snuggled into her neck. I watched as Lexa sighed into his head and kissed it. Zack had been attached to me since I came home. He didn’t seem comfortable leaving me at all, not even to go to his father. But with Lexa, he fit perfectly and happily into her arms. The sight made my insides ache. Was I jealous that he liked Lexa? I shook off my confusion and went to prepare the bag I insisted was ready.

After ten minutes, I finally made it to the car. Lexa was singing Zack’s favorite song and he giggled every time she turned around.

“You must’ve had to look really hard for that packed bag,” Lexa teased.

I couldn’t help my smile or the way my eyes were pulled into Lexa’s. They were beautiful and clear enough for me to find my reflection in them. Lexa’s happiness was contagious and the excitement she obviously felt at being right made her clear eyes shine.

“Yeah, yeah. Just drive,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

I turned on the radio and paused at each station before letting out a huff.

“Don’t be so upset, you wouldn’t know these songs even if your memory was intact,” Lexa laughed.

“Do I not listen to the radio?”

“Of course you do, the oldies station. You listen to the music that was popular two decades ago. That’s what you consider the top 40 station. But it’s not,” Lexa insisted.

Lexa clicked through her phone started playing the playlist titled “Clarke.” I smiled as soon as the first song began.

“I know this one!”

“You do? Well I’m so glad,” Lexa replied with a laugh.

I looked at Lexa and stuck my tongue out at her. She rolled her eyes and raised the volume. The car echoed with the sounds of me singing along to every song. Zack giggled and babbled along. We finally pulled into the parking lot of the supermarket and made our way into the store.

“Do you have a list or are we just walking around every aisle?”

“I have a list. Here, you probably know the layout better than I do right now.”

Lexa took the pen and paper and looked over the list, crossing out items as she read.

“What are you doing? We didn’t find those yet!”

“You don’t need all that sugar. No one needs four kinds of ice cream and seven types of chocolate. Pick two ice creams and four chocolates.”

“You aren’t coming shopping with me next time.”

“Yeah, you tell me that every time. Yet, here I am,” Lexa smirked and pushed Zack’s cart while I pushed the shopping cart.

“This time doesn’t count. Obviously I didn’t remember that threat. Now I know better.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s find the rest of the items.”

“Why did you cross out peanut butter? I love peanut butter and we don’t have any.”

“Madi is highly allergic to peanuts. You only eat peanut butter when you are out of the house.”

“Okay. I guess you aren’t so bad, Lexi,” I teased as we continued looking through the list.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard that nickname. No one else really calls me that.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I called you that,” I replied. “Do you hate it?”

“No, I love it.”

We walked through the aisles and checked off item after item. An hour later, we reached the end of the list.

“We only have the cookies left then we can go,” Lexa said.

We walked to the cookie aisle and I started loading the cookies into the cart until I felt Lexa’s hand on my arm. It was warm and gentle but she quickly let go when I looked down at it.

“I think six packs of cookies is more than enough,” Lexa smiled.

I noticed the red in her cheeks and felt the heat in my own face. But her smile seemed to always tug a smile out of me too.

“Do you always come shopping with me?”

“Who else is going to stop you from turning your house into a junk factory?”

I laughed and began unloading the groceries onto the cashiers table. Lexa took Zack out of his cart and turned him so he could look around. I noticed the way he gave her hugs and laughed at all the faces she was making. I finally realized what that feeling was. I wasn’t jealous of their relationship. Lexa was a huge part of my life. And that uneasiness was my heart begging me to remember.

“Want to grab some lunch?” Lexa asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“Only if we can go for some Italian, I have been craving it for a week!”

“Deal,” Lexa agreed with a smile.

She helped me load Zack and the bags into the car and drove to my favorite restaurant. Some things still haven’t changed; Joey’s has always been my go to spot.

“Hey, you didn’t even ask where I wanted to eat!” I teased.

“You said Italian. I know exactly where you want to eat.”

“Maybe I have grown over the last ten years,” I smiled. “Maybe I want something other than what you think I want.”

“Okay, that may be true but YOU are the one with missing memories,” she laughed. “So even if you have other places you want to go, you wouldn’t even remember them.”

“Shut up,” I muttered in defeat.

“Rest assured, you still want Joey’s. That has not changed in the last ten years.

“Will you tell me more? What else hasn’t changed?” I asked curiously as I looked back to see Zack drifting to sleep.

“I didn’t know you then. But I can tell you what you told me about twenty year old you that still stands today.”

“That is fair,” I smiled.

“Let’s see. You still keep chocolate in all your frequent places in case your sugar drops. Signs of an addict but I will let it go right now. You still have trouble sleeping at night because your mind prefers night time.”

“I have been sleeping fine!” I defended.

“You almost died,” Lexa fired back quickly. “It doesn’t count.”

“Fine,” I pouted. “Continue.”

“You still love giving out orders,” Lexa smirked. “You hate gum because it hurts your jaw and you love going to the dentist because laughing gas is worth the pain to you.”

“Free drugs!” I explained.

“See? Addict,” she joked. “You love the feeling of paint and even though you are a neat freak, you don’t mind when paint stains your clothing.”

“It looks so pretty whenever it does.”

“I know,” she smiled as she lifted the arm rest to reveal a few pieces of chocolate. She pulled over outside of Joey’s and put the car in park. “We can hang out in the car while Zack naps for a bit.”

“You’re the best,” I whispered excitedly.

“The last thing I need is a cranky Clarke,” Lexa laughed.

“Tell me more. I missed so much and every time I ask a question, everyone looks at me with pity,” I admitted.

“I know you hate that,” Lexa said. “What do you want to know?”

“Why is Zack so comfortable with you?”

“Because I am an amazing person,” she smiled.

“Very funny,” I rolled my eyes. “Now tell me.”

“We met when you first found out you were pregnant with him,” Lexa began as she looked back quickly to watch him sleep. “I even went to a few appointments whenever you knew there was blood work because you hate dealing with needles.”

“That’s nice of you. I hate needles,” I confirmed.

“I know, that hasn’t changed either. I think for me, I got attached to him at that point.”

“Did you help me with him when he was a baby?”

“I used to sometimes. Finn was really good with him,” Lexa explained.

“I read a baby email that I got this week. It said that he should be talking or walking at this point,” I admitted.

“Don’t focus on those things. He is behind and there was a time when you were very concerned.”

“Did we get him checked out? I feel guilty to ask these questions, should know these answers,” I confessed. Finally, I was able to express the concern I had been feeling for weeks.

“I can’t imagine what you are feeling right now but you can talk to me about this,” Lexa reassured me before she continued. “He is developing well which is a good sign, it’s just a little slower than other kids.”

“But shouldn’t he be walking by now?”

“He isn’t very late but he does have low muscle tone. That’s the reason physical things are hard for him.”

“What about talking? He doesn’t say much at all,” I questioned.

“The tongue is a muscle too,” she explained. “So talking, chewing, walking – all those things are hard for him because his muscles are not strong.”

“Will he get better?” I asked.

“He is perfect the way he is. But yes, with therapy and help, which you got for him, he will eventually catch up.”

“But his mind, is it ok?”

“He is developing well and will catch up,” Lexa promised.

“Did you used to spend time with us often?”

“We had a lot of days where we did errands together or just hang out when I wasn’t working. Zack was always around too,” Lexa said just as Zack woke up from his quick nap.

“I think he’s as hungry as I am. Can we go eat now?” I asked.

Even though my body had been healed for a while now, Lexa insisted on carrying Zack into the restaurant. I was now unsure if she was helping me or if she genuinely loved him. With the way he reacted to her, I imagine he loved her as much as she obviously loved him. The waiter came around and Lexa refused the menus while claiming that we already knew what to order.

“We do? What if I want the menu?” I asked curiously.

“Okay,” she smirked smugly. “You look at the menu while I order since we are hungry.”

“That’s a good idea,” I replied as I looked through the menu.

Lexa ordered my favorite pizza, my favorite pasta, and fries for Zack. She even got my drink order before I thought of it and I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or lie to seem less predictable.

“Well?” Lexa smiled. “What would you like to add?”

“You know what? I think you did a great job already. You can even pay since you’re so smart,” I replied in mock annoyance.

“Aw come on!” Lexa laughed. “Is it my fault you always order the same items?”

“Yes it is. As my best friend, shouldn’t it be your job to get me to try new things?”

Lexa actually snorted at my question and continued to laugh. Zack looked at her and laughed along, as if he knew exactly what was going on. She learned over to kiss her forehead and I had to admit that it was a very sweet moment which caused the nerves in my stomach to get really hyped up.

“Here we go ladies! I hope you enjoy your food,” the waiter smiled. “Can I get you anything else right now?”

“Thank you,” Lexa replied. “Can I just bother you to cut up a slice of pizza into very small bites?” 

“Of course,” he replied kindly.

“Good idea,” I said as I put some pasta and fries on a plate for Zack.

We ate in silence and watched as Zack got sauce all over his face. But even though he was using his fingers, he was feeding himself and that was enough to satisfy me.

“He looks like he got a bad spray tan,” I laughed. Zack was covered in orange penne sauce.

“I don’t think this meal has ever ended well,” Lexa agreed. “I’ll wash his hands and face while you get the check.”

Everything fit well with Lexa. As if lunch and shopping has been done a million times before, in a million different worlds. It was becoming obvious that this friendship was probably what kept me going the last few years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! I'll be back next week with a few more updates!
> 
> Tumblr: writingcommander  
Instagram: nicolehartley22


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but this is the chapter most of you have been waiting for! Yay!
> 
> However, there is a trigger warning: suicide references all the way at the end, I will mark in case you want to read up until there.

I breathed out as I realized all my errands for the night were finished. I loved the quiet that came with nighttime. I waited for my coffee to cool down as I organized my paint supplies. I hadn’t painted since the accident, but my mind was full of colors tonight. It had been months now and I was finally feeling like myself again. I could even manage a full day alone with my kids. My eyes finally focused on the canvas in front of me as my hand sketched the image of the tower and the sky that was currently in my mind.

“Hey. Everyone in bed already?” Finn asked as he closed the door behind him.

“Yeah. They had a long day with school and fighting over everything at home,” I answered as I continued with my sketch. “Besides, I really feel like painting tonight so I wanted everyone in bed early.”

“That’s great. Make sure you don’t get paint everywhere this time,” Finn said softly.

I rolled my eyes and finished my sketch instead of responding.

“Have you eaten yet? I’m starving,” Finn asked.

“I’m not hungry. I’ll have cereal later.”

I hummed along to the music and began stroking the brush across the canvas. The paint smeared along my skin and my mind filled with a vision of slender fingers tracing my own paint covered hands. My skin burned as the memory quickly ended. Finn came into the dining room and ate his dinner across from me.

“God, this is horrible,” I mumbled into the coffee.

“I didn’t realize you even drink coffee. I’m not a fan.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll stick to tea.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Finn smiled. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yes. Was work good?” I replied as I cleaned smudges of off the canvas.

“The usual,” Finn shrugged. “I’m exhausted and happy to be home.”

I focused on touching up the small details while the paint dried on the canvas. I wanted to paint a second coat to create a bolder picture.

“My tooth is killing me,” Finn said as he continued to eat.

“Go to the dentist,” I replied dryly. The last thing I wanted to hear after a day with crying children was more complaining. 

“Yeah. I’ll try to go tomorrow. Would you mind if I went to bed early?”

I watched as Finn stood up to clear the table. He walked over and kissed my lips. I could taste the metallic dinner on his tongue. I pulled away and smiled slightly before he went upstairs. I took a long sip of the horrible coffee before I turned my attention to the canvas once again. The tower I created was slanted but the sky was filled with color. After the second coat was done, the only thing left was the reflection in the water. I dipped my finger into the paint and finished the rest. I groaned when I realized there were drops of paint on the table and my sweatshirt.

_“I love watching you paint.”_

My body shivered and my skin grew hot again as my mind echoed those words. I could feel those fingers lightly brushing mine. I desperately pleaded for more of this memory but it was already gone.

**Lexa:** How’s the painting?

My phone lit up with a message from Lexa. I took a picture of my painting and sent it.

**Lexa:** Your lines aren’t straight :-P

**Clarke:** I didn’t use a ruler! I thought it would give it more character if it was a little messy and imperfect.

**Lexa: **You were right. I love it and the colors are really intense. Good job.

I smiled at the compliment and took another sip of the bitter liquid.

**Clarke:** I hate coffee.

**Lexa:** That’s probably why you never drink it haha

**Clarke:** I’ve been craving coffee lately and there’s a box in my cabinet that’s almost empty.

**Lexa:** Oh that’s actually mine. I drink it when I come over since you just have tea.

**Clarke:** Ah okay, that explains it. Why am I craving it though?

**Lexa:** Maybe you miss me! Haha

Did I miss Lexa? Did I miss this close relationship that I couldn’t remember? I still have her though. She still talks to me and makes me smile. How could I miss someone that was there?

**Clarke:** Come over for coffee before work tomorrow.

I sent the invitation before I could think about it. I did want her to come over for coffee. Friends have coffee together all the time. It isn’t weird.

**Lexa:** I’ll see you at 8am.

I locked the phone and finished cleaning up before heading to bed.

The next morning, I went downstairs to get the children ready for school. I slept well and felt excited and refreshed. Painting was obviously good for me.

“Good morning, I have to run to work but I’ll be home early tonight,” Finn said as he handed me Zack.

“Okay, Lexa is coming over for coffee anyway so she will help with the kids.”

“Oh okay. Do you want me to stay? I can just go to work late.”

“No, don’t be ridiculous. I can handle it, you have to work. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay then,” Finn replied hesitantly. He seemed to be dragging himself to the door rather than the usual racing to work.

I got breakfast ready while everyone got ready for the day.

“Where’s Grandma? Are you driving us to school instead? Do you remember where it is?”

“Of course I remember. But my friend Lexa is driving anyway,” I said as I set his plate in front of him.

“Lexi?!” Madi asked excitedly.

Before I was able to answer, the doorbell rang. I opened the door to Lexa standing there with a smile on her face.

“Come on in, stranger!”

Lexa was instantly pushed back by Aden running in for a hug.

“Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a year! You didn’t miss me?” Aden exclaimed.

“I missed you very much. It hasn’t been a year though. Remember I explained how time works? It’s only been a few weeks. A year is much longer, remember?” Lexa answered as she hugged him tightly.

“Lexi!” Madi called out.

Lexa made her way over with Aden still holding her hand. She picked Madi up and gave her a hug.

“I missed you too, Madi. Have you been good?”

“She’s very bad. I told her we have to take care of mommy and she isn’t behaving. She takes all my stuff and she bit Zack yesterday.”

“Oh, is that right? No biting Madi. And have you been behaving, Aden?”

“I have been taking care of everyone. Mommy doesn’t have her memories anymore,” Aden whispered in Lexa’s ear.

“I think she knows that, you don’t have to whisper,” Lexa whispered back into his ear.

“I thought no one calls you Lexi?” I asked as I watched the interactions.

“Well only you and the kids do. Madi called me Lexi once and the name just stuck with you guys.”

“Makes sense. Come sit, we were just about to eat.”

“Okay, I’ll get my coffee and come join you.”

“I don’t know how you drink that. I almost spit it all over my painting last night.”

“I have explained this before but since you decided to lose all your memories, I’ll explain it again. Some of us actually need really strong coffee to have energy all day. We aren’t all balls of energy, lover.”

“Lover?” I asked as I felt my skin heat up.

“Sorry, we used to call each other that as a joke. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I didn’t know I became a fan of pet names,” I replied with a smirk.

“A lot can happen in ten years, you know. We need to hurry up with breakfast if you want to get everyone to school on time.”

I rushed breakfast and Lexa helped me load everyone into the car. As soon as we got into the car, the fighting began.

“It’s mine! I need it! He took it!” Madi screamed.

“No, it’s not hers. She can’t have everything. I gave her the car so this book is mine. She’s going to rip it!”

“Isn’t it easier to just leave the book in your bag so that she won’t take it?” I asked.

“Hey I have an idea, why don’t you help mommy by feeding Zack his cookies? You know he loves eating with you,” Lexa suggested.

Aden lit up and took the cookies from her. He put away his book and began feeding Zack.

“You are really grown up. You make this whole thing easier for me. You know that?”

“It’s because it’s my job to take care of you. Madi and Zack are just babies.”

Lexa laughed and we relaxed in the few minutes of peace in middle of the hectic morning. When we finally arrived at Aden’s school, I helped him out of the car and he said his goodbyes.

"Will you sleep over again tonight, Lexa?" Aden asked.

"Not tonight buddy. Finn was on a business trip for a few days and I fell asleep so I stayed the night," Lexa answered quickly to address my confusion.

“That makes sense,” I smiled.

We drove Madi to school before Lexa dropped Zack and I back at home. It was quiet with everyone gone and I snuggled with Zack on the couch. This had become my favorite activity of every day. It was a few minutes after noon when Finn walked into the house.

“Hey you,” I smiled. “What are you doing home so early?”

“John agreed to finish my work for the day if I bought him lunch,” he laughed. “I figured I would surprise you with an adventure.”

“Really? What are we doing?” I asked.

“Your mom will be here in a few. Go get dressed in something comfortable.”

*****

“So where are we going?” I asked as we got into the car.

“I told you,” Finn smiled. “It’s a surprise!”

“Did I learn to enjoy surprises in the past ten years? Because I remember hating them,” I laughed. “Will you at least tell me how long the drive is?”

“It’s about an hour and a half.”

I groaned and tried to get comfortable. I hated long car rides, they always made me sick. Things like this were still hard for me. Not being able to figure out why people behaved the way they did. And not knowing who I have become. Did I hate surprises and Finn was being inconsiderate? Or did I grow to love them and he was being romantic? All I knew was, that lately, I had become more lost than the day of my accident.

“So, how has work been?” I asked to fill the silence.

“Oh you know, the usual,” Finn replied. “I have a meeting this week with a new vendor. I want to start selling baby products.”

“That’s really exciting. People are quick to spend money on their kids!”

“I love shopping for baby clothing so I am happy I’ll get to do it for work,” Finn smiled.

“I don’t remember what you wanted to do when we were kids,” I confessed.

“What do you mean? What I wanted to do about what?” He asked.

“Career wise,” I laughed.

“I don’t really know. I don’t actually think anyone ever asked me that question and I never thought about it,” he admitted.

“How is that even possible? I wanted to be a million things when I grew up!”

“What did you want to be?”

“I wanted to be a writer, a painter, a comedian, a critic. I wanted to be so many things,” I answered.

“That’s what I always loved about you,” Finn said. “You have always had enough dreams for the both of us.”

“That sounds pretty heavy,” I laughed.

“What does?”

“Me being responsible for both our dreams. You never dreamed of anything at all?”

“I always loved baking and decorating but my parents hated that. They told me that’s a woman’s job,” Finn replied sadly.

“And you just accepted it easily?”

“It was a rule, why fight against rules? Everything turned out fine.”

I forgot how different Finn and I were. I was a fighter and a rebel. As much as I loved my family, I found myself often fighting against everything in my world. I fought against dresses and being just a housewife for as long as I remembered.

“I remember when I was fifteen, my dad and I got into a big fight. I told him that I wanted to study philosophy,” I laughed.

“I remember that fight. You made me hide you in my house for a few hours. But we weren’t very smart, it was the first place they looked,” Finn laughed.

“He thought I was choosing the hard path of college and a career. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to get married and let my husband spoil me like every other girl in this bubble of ours. He didn’t want me to be as tired as my mom was,” I explained.

“Your dad always meant well. He thought his princess deserved to be spoiled.”

“I think he always blamed my mom’s career for not having more kids. That’s why he was so quick to adopt Bellamy and Octavia.”

“He does love kids so much. I wish you could remember how happy he was when we had ours,” Finn said.

“Me too.”

The rest of the car ride was spent in mostly silence. We exchanged thoughts about certain landmarks we passed and our plans for the week. Finn has never been much of a thinker. He was more of a here and now kind of guy. I always thought we were the perfect match. The dreamer and the realist. I must have been right since we have been married for ten years now.

Finn parked the car outside of a broken down neighborhood. Many of the store windows were broken and the walls were completely vandalized. I followed him to a store that looked as shady as the rest of the street. We walked down a flight of stairs and into a room that was nicer than I expected.

“Hey! Welcome to Knights Shooting Range!”

**********Trigger Warning: Suicide Reference - Please stop reading here**********

My hands began shaking instantly and I wasn’t sure if it was from fear or excitement. I had never touched a gun before but the craving was rooted deep inside of me.

“Surprise,” Finn whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m not sure what to say, this looks fun,” I smiled.

Roan, the managers at the range walked us through the process. It took about half an hour to sign forms and finish the safety course before we could touch any guns. My energy was about to sky rocket and I understood what an addict must feel like when they are next to a drink for the first time in a long time. Roan finally escorted us to the back room where there were rows of separate cubical. We placed our goggles and headphones on before we could handle a rifle. Roan noticed my hands shaking and assured me that everyone would be fine.

“Are you ready?” he asked kindly.

“I think so,” I replied excitedly.

Finn laughed and Roan placed the rifle in my hand. It was cold and heavier than I expected. My fingers tightened around it and there was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I froze in place as the feeling spread to my lungs. Finn already started shooting and I could not move from my spot.

My mind was flooded with memories of me. Like I was an outsider, watching whatever memory was happening. All I could see was me, on the floor, with a silver gun in my head. I have never owned a gun and I didn’t recognize the room I was in. But I was crying and the muzzle of the gun held at my temple. The shots kept firing and Roan kept talking but I was trapped in a world that I no longer remembered. I dropped the rifle and ran out of the room. I needed air and there was none in there.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this chapter is all about Clarke's mental health and suicidal episodes. Please do not read if it will trigger you.

“I honestly can’t remember what happened,” I explained to Dr. Greenberg.

“That’s okay,” she began. “Close your eyes. We will do some breathing exercises.

I closed my eyes and listened to her voice. It was really low and soothing. I inhaled and exhaled with each command until my body was calm and focused on everything inside my own body.

“Think of your happiest memory. Tell me about it,” she continued.

“When I was eighteen, I went to an amusement park and at night, there was an incredible firework show. The sounds and the lights were amazing and I felt like all my dreams could come true.”

“That sounds beautiful. Can you imagine that clearly in your mind right now?”

“Yes, I see it,” I confirmed.

“If this gets too hard, I will ask you to pull up that memory again. Keep it close by. Now, what do you remember about last night?” she asked.

“I remember holding a rifle in my hand.”

“Very good. Describe the way it felt.”

“It was a little heavy and very cold. The steel fit really well into my palm and my finger wanted to pull the trigger,” I explained.

“You’re doing great. Now what?”

“Then I was in another world. I was watching myself in that other world. But it was weird. I had a different gun and I was aiming it at myself.”

There were flashes going through my mind and there was so much weight on my lungs. I wanted to keep breathing but I couldn’t anymore. It was as if I had already pulled the trigger and my lungs were filled with blood.

“Get closer to yourself if you can. What are you wearing?” she asked.

“Black leggings and a gray t-shirt,” I described.

“Are you saying anything?”

“I’m crying and mumbling something but there is no one else in the room.”

“I want you to imagine someone you trust and bring them into this memory. Can you do that for me?”

“Who would I bring in?” I asked.

“It can be anyone you want. Just someone who can help make this memory less traumatizing.”

“Okay, I think I have someone.”

“Who is it?”

“Lexa,” I whispered.

“Let her talk to the you in the memory. The goal here is to change the memory. I’ll let you do this in silence for a few minutes then I will guide you out of it,” she explained.

I allowed myself to live within my memory for a moment. I imagined Lexa was there and I watched her walk toward me. The gun was piercing into my skin and I watched as Lexa put her palm on my cheek and came closer. She brought her lips to my ear and told me that it’s okay. I cried harder and those tears were no longer just a memory. They flowed down my face as I watched Lexa comfort me. She pulled me into her arms slowly and pulled the gun out of my hand. Her voice echoed along the walls and I could hear her promise loud and clear. She is there and I will be okay.

Dr. Greenberg eased me out of the memory and let me cry for a few more moments before she continued with the session.

“What else happened last night?”

“That’s all I remember. Just that memory and next thing I know, I woke up in my bed the next morning,” I explained.

“What did Finn say happened?”

“That’s the crazy part. He thought it was a normal day. He said I didn’t want to participate so we left. We grabbed bagels on the way home and I slept in the car. But I have no memory at all.”

“Can you tell me what you see when you try to find the memory?”

“I tried several times. It’s cloudy and dark. There is nothing there at all. How could I be losing more memories? This makes no sense,” I complained.

“This is actually very normal. Our brain tries to protect us by blocking out memories that are hurting us. When you started having that memory, your brain took control and basically shut itself down if that makes sense.”

“But I was walking, talking, and eating!”

“Those are all done through muscle routine. It has nothing to do with our subconscious mind trying to protect us.”

“Was I suicidal? Is this memory real?”

“One time you came in for a session and shared a theory with me,” she smiled. “You told me that you spent the night thinking about the story of Adam and Eve. God purposely gave them a tree of knowledge then told them not to touch it. You decided that God was not testing them and this story could not be real. Because if God created humans then he would easily be able to judge their actions. He knew that they would eat from the tree because humans will always want what they can’t have.”

“This sounds like a really brilliant theory to be honest with you. But what’s it have to do with me being suicidal?”

“You told me that this story was obviously just a fable. It was meant to teach us that yes, humans are curious and we always want to know what is happening. Then they ate the apple and lost heaven. According to you, the story is meant to teach us that ignorance is bliss and knowledge can be very painful.”

“But I want to know! This is my life, not a fable!”

“I know you do. But just like that story. If I answer your question, it might be very painful too,” she concluded. “So let’s work on today. The past is over. Why focus on that when we can heal today?”

“So basically, the memory was real and I was suicidal.”

“Or, it was your mind releasing the fact that you feel like you are confused inside,” she suggested. “This accident has been awful. Maybe your mind is trying to make sense of it. Either way, we have to work on it and we did so well today.”

*****

After my session with Dr. Greenberg, I found myself sitting on the rocks of the ocean nearby. I was never a fan of the ocean. The water is too cold and I never learned how to swim. But something about the waves and the rocks always had the power to calm me. Maybe it was because I have never known what to believe in. And maybe it was because I had no idea where God is. I imagined that if he did exist, he would be there, in the open ocean air that was so infinite.

There were a few moments in my life that led me to God. The first time was when I was twelve years old. My grandmother was having an open heart surgery and I sat in my bathtub and cried secretly. I begged him not to take her away and I was pleasantly surprised when she survived. The second time was when I was fifteen years old and I started hearing things for the first time. I was too afraid to tell anyone that the walls seemed to be infested with beetles. I could hear them scratching through the walls every night. But I knew they weren’t real. No one else heard them but me. Every night, I begged God to make them stop. Eventually, they faded.

As far as I could remember, this was the third time I needed God. Except this time, I had no idea if the memories were real or not. I did not want to die. But I didn’t understand why every muscle and nerve in my body found comfort in the cold rifle. So I prayed, to a God that may not exist but a God that I needed to believe in. I asked him to help me remember everything that I lost. I begged him to quiet my mind and give me peace. I confessed that I was not strong enough to handle this and I surrendered.

**Lexa:** You ok?

Her text interrupted my thoughts but brought a smile to my face.

**Clarke:** Your timing is incredible. Are you spying on me?

It was definitely strange how Lexa always appeared whenever I needed someone.

**Lexa:** What do you mean? What’s going on?

I started typing my response only to be interrupted by a phone call from Lexa.

“Hello?” I answered.

_“What’s going on?” _

“Well, I was in middle of texting you back,” I laughed.

_“I got worried. Sorry.”_

“It’s okay. Nothing is wrong though,” I reassured her. Just had a tough therapy session and I’m hiding out now.”

_“Where are you?”_

“I’m down by the docks,” I answered.

_“Okay. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”_

Lexa hung up before I had a chance to argue with her. But she seemed very determined, so I waited and let her join me. Within fifteen minutes, Lexa sat beside me on the rocks.

“Talk to me,” she began.

“Some people say hello first,” I smirked.

“I’m not some people,” Lexa rolled her eyes.

“How did you even find me? I’m wearing a hoodie with half my head covered,” I laughed.

“It was easy. I will always find you.”

“Aw how sweet,” I laughed again but this time, I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

“Now, talk.”

“What if you think I’m crazy?”

“I already know you are. There’s nothing to worry about,” she smiled.

“I lost a few hours of memories last night. I seem to be going backwards in this recovery. I haven’t gained any new memories. Instead, I have gained hallucinations and lost a few more memories.”

“What do you mean? Start at the beginning. Please?”

“Will you be honest with me?” I asked as I folded my legs underneath me.

“I promise to try to be.”

“Have I ever tried to commit suicide?”

“Are you sure you want me to answer that question?” Lexa asked as she looked away from me.

“Yes, I really do.”

“There was a low period last year,” Lexa confessed in a whisper.

“What happened?” I asked.

“It was around the time you started on your medication. The side effects really messed you up and it focused your mind on the wrong things.”

“Wrong things?”

“Yes. Like the paranoia I know you felt every now and then. The medication focused and intensified it. You were just feeling very lost and had a low period,” Lexa continued.

“Did Finn know about this? Why would he let me touch a gun?”

“He didn’t know. You were afraid to tell anyone that you needed help or that you needed medication.”

“Then how did you know?” I asked.

“Because you also needed to let someone in.”

“So that memory with the gun, was it real?”

“Yes.”

“Why would Dr. Greenberg lie to me? Why would she convince me it was a hallucination?” I asked angrily.

“Because she doesn’t know either.”

“What does that even mean?” I yelled. “What is the point of therapy if I don’t work through something like wanting to die?”

“Because things like that would go on your record as a warning. You didn’t want that associated with your name. You were afraid of losing the kids.”

“Did I get better? Was I still that low before the accident?” I asked.

“No,” Lexa answered. “You were doing so much better. You didn’t have an episode in a few months.”

“What fixed it?”

“Well, I promised not to go anywhere. Sometimes it helps to have one person you can depend on. I also got you to start going to a bunch of events and meet new people. You had a really good group of friends.” Lexa said.

“Did they all just disappear after the accident?”

“Not at all. They have been asking about you constantly. They are waiting for the right time to come back into your life.”

“When is the right time?” I asked impatiently.

“I was waiting for you to need them again,” Lexa smiled. “Like maybe now?”

“Are you really telling me I have a bunch of new friends that I didn’t know about the last few months?”

“Well, they don’t live around here so it was easy to not bring them up.”

“Will you tell me about them? I thought my life has been the same the last thirty years,” I explained. “Now I find out there’s actually new people in my life.”

“I will tell you about them,” Lexa laughed. “There are four that you were really close to. Marie, Lenore, Kristine, and Chloe.”

“I can already tell that I like them,” I smiled.

“Marie lives about fourty minutes away. Lenore and Kristine are in another state and Chloe is in another country.”

“How did I meet all these people?”

“Online,” Lexa whispered.

“What? I actually trusted people online?”

“Think about it,” Lexa continued. “You told me you never felt you could trust anyone you grew up with. It’s so much easier to trust a total stranger that you may never meet.”

“But did I ever meet them? Why haven’t they texted me?”

“You did meet all of them,” she confirmed. “I told them about the accident and asked them to leave you alone until I introduce you to the idea of them again.”

“That’s awfully protective of you,” I laughed. “Was all that really necessary?”

“Kristine, Marie, and Chloe are queer. To be honest, I was worried about how you would be about that.”

“Can I be honest about this? Without making you angry?” I asked shakily.

“Yes,” Lexa winced slightly.

“When I was eighteen, I went on a trip with a bunch of friends and we ran into a gay pride parade. I was so angry about it,” I looked down as I confessed all that to Lexa. It filled me with shame now. And I wish I knew what changed.

“I know that story,” Lexa encouraged me to continue.

“You do? I didn’t think I would confess that to you.”

“We were a lot closer than you think. But why are you telling me that now?”

“Because now you are telling me I have gay friends. I have you. It confuses me. How did I get to this point? I’m happy I am here. I feel confused. Or maybe like I’m betraying something or someone. But I have no idea who. Shouldn’t I be angry?” I rambled quickly.

Lexa took my hand and looked me in the eye. With that stare of hers, the one that seemed to always calm every tornado inside of me.

“You have grown so much in the last few years. And I can’t wait until you get to know the person you are today,” Lexa said as she pulled me into a hug. “It is a person that I love dearly.”

“You’re a really good friend,” I smiled at her. “I can’t imagine going through all this without you. You seem to always be there for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed that journey into Clarke's mind! This chapter is very real for me. This is an actual method that my therapist used on me when I had my own episodes. 
> 
> Question for you, did you all enjoy the second part of Clarke narrating at the ocean? Would you prefer more dialogue/action or did you like some narrating in there?
> 
> Thanks for your feedback! It really makes me write faster to know that someone is waiting and interested in actually reading this story.
> 
> Feel free to come find me!  
Instagram: nicolehartley22  
Tumblr: writingcommander


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter - it isn't as long as the others but I really wanted to give you all some sort of update!

_I was drowning in a sea of green. Every nerve in my body was buzzing. My skin was hot and sheen of sweat covered it. My mind tried to grasp what was happening but I was lost in the feelings that consumed me. I relaxed and allowed my body to feel. And God, I felt. I felt lips trailing down my body, fingers digging into my bones and hands memorizing every single inch of my skin. I was alive and I needed more. My fingers curled into soft waves and I pulled hard as a moan fell from my lips. I caught a glimpse of green before I finally fell. _

My eyes opened and I immediately tried to control my breathing. I was almost panting and sweating. I groaned as the images of my latest dream flooded my mind. I quietly made my way to my closet to find a change of clothing and send a quick text before heading to the shower.

**Clarke:** I would love to go to the gym after I take the kids to camp. Want to come with?

I slowly got undressed while I waited for a response.

**Lexa:** What about Zack?

I lightly laughed at her concern.

**Clarke:** With my mom.

When a few minutes passed with no response, I jumped into the shower.

**Lexa:** Sorry, I needed to check my schedule. I can spare an hour with you. Meet you there?

There was so much tension in my body and I finally felt strong enough to go to the gym. I had been feeling more and more like myself. At least the self I remember. The gym is the perfect place to get stronger and heal faster. I got dressed and finally went downstairs. Finn already got the kids dressed and offered to load them into the car before he left for work. I picked well. He was a good man and a good father. I wish things still felt as easy as they did when we were young. But there was an underlining tension nowadays and my accident doesn’t seem to be the cause of it.

Driving was harder than I liked to admit it was. I tried to reassure everyone that I am comfortable, that it’s okay. But it takes all of my energy just to hit the gas pedal. Luckily, I don’t remember the accident. Yet the urge to protect myself was still so very strong inside of me. I go slow, even with all the cars angrily honking behind me. I will conquer this fear of driving.

I pulled up at the gym an hour later. Lexa was sitting on the steps in leggings and a white tank top that made her look even more tanned than usual. Her hair was pulled up and she had glasses on. The sun was hitting her arms and I couldn’t seem to look away from them. She looked up and smiled when she caught me staring. I smiled back and walked toward her as she took off her glasses. The sun made her eyes even brighter and I inhaled a sharp breath.

“Hey stranger,” I smirked.

“Everyone settled where they need to be?”

“Yep. I’m all yours now!” I exclaimed.

“Let’s go see how out of shape you are,” Lexa chuckled.

We worked out for ten minutes before my body complained. I didn’t realize how much the accident messed me up until after I thought I healed. Even with the ribs fixed and the bruises gone, I was still not healed. I suppose it’s hard to accept the scars and the bruises we don’t see. But ten minutes on an elliptical and I remember just how much healing I still have to do. Lexa handed me her water bottle and I watched her box with the trainer. She followed every command quickly and carefully. The movements were so natural to her and watching her made my mouth dry. Everything about this woman makes me question everything I thought I knew.

“Hey, you look done. Want to get a protein shake instead?” Lexa offered.

“But we have only been here for twenty minutes.”

“That’s ok. I don’t want you to push yourself. Ten minutes is a really good start.”

“Lexa! Is that you?” a woman called out.

Lexa turned around as a woman with curly black hair and hazel eyes came over to her. She pulled her into a hug before Lexa was able to respond. I had no idea who the woman was but she made my blood boil. Lexa pulled away but she was polite with her answers. The conversation was short and a few minutes later, the woman left.

“Who was that?” I asked impatiently.

“I’ll tell you over breakfast. Let’s go,” Lexa laughed.

We quickly got our drinks and found a table. I wanted to know who the woman was and why she made me so upset.

“Well?” I insisted.

“Her name is Costia. She is my ex girlfriend,” Lexa explained.

“Go on. I can’t remember all this you know,” I rolled my eyes.

“We were together for four years. I gave up a huge opportunity to be with her and she cheated on me after,” Lexa explained as I reached over to squeeze her hand. “After I moved on, she decided she wanted me back. You didn’t like that and have hated her every since.”

“Do you still love her?”

“No, not at all. I was confused and hurt for a long time but I moved on.”

“Do you still talk to her at all?” I asked.

“She reached out a few times after we broke up but I really didn’t see a need to talk about anything. I couldn’t be friends with her.”

“That makes sense. How long ago did you break up?”

“It’s been about three years now,” Lexa answered.

“Well that’s good,” I replied.

“Is it? Why?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But, this protein shake is horrible. Let’s go to my house and I’ll make us lunch.”

“But I don’t want grilled cheese,” Lexa whined.

“Who said we are having grilled cheese?” I asked with a raise of my eyebrows.

“What will you make us then?”

“It’s a surprise,” I smirked.

Once we got to my house, I made Lexa wait in the living room while I made us lunch. I wanted to surprise her with my favorite meal. I wondered if I ever made it for her or if I still ate it at thirty years old. It was tortilla chips with sauce on top and cheese on top of that. I melted it in the microwave and made her a tortilla pizza.

“Here you go,” I smiled with pride.

“You made me a poncho,” Lexa laughed.

“A what?”

“You made this for me when we first got close. I asked what it was called and you named it a nacho pizza.”

“Yes, that is a good name,” I confirmed. “But what is a poncho?”

“I told you that was a better name. Pizza nacho combined makes poncho.”

“That is a ridiculous name,” I rolled my eyes. “Do you like it though?”

“I laughed at you when you first made it. I told you that you can’t mix all these nationalities in one plate. Mexican chips, Italian sauce, American cheese. It made no sense,” she explained as she took a bite of my pizza.

“Of course I can!” I insisted as I pulled the plate away from her. “I did it right there and it tastes awesome!”

“Oh come on!” she complained as she tried to eat another bite.

“Admit you love it and I’m a genius.”

“I would never do that!”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because you’ll let it get to your head and I’ll have to hear about it for the next month,” Lexa laughed.

“Starve then.”

I popped another bite into my mouth, moaned lightly at the taste, and smiled. Her eyes got darker and I didn’t understand if she was getting upset or possibly turned on. But we were friends; it could not be either of those options.

“Fine,” she finally groaned. “You’re brilliant.”

“I am?” I asked sarcastically. “You really think so?”

“Yep.”

“Aw, you’re such a sweetheart,” I laughed. “Now tell me I’m the best cook ever.”

She rolled her eyes and grabbed the plate out of my hand. The laughter that bubbled out of me was so natural and freeing. Every moment with Lexa has made sense. I was still twenty years old without the weight of the past on my shoulders.

After Lexa left, I needed a nap. It seemed like every day, my body both healed and grew more tired. My impatience was growing and I desperately wanted to get back to my regular life, as if I had a clue what that was. I thought that everything was the same. That all my plans had been accomplished and all my relationships were still the same. But there was a deeper layer of my life that I had lost. There was a person that I needed to get to know in my very own body. A person with new interests, talents, and friends that I was beyond excited to meet. I was also afraid of what I might find hidden in this life that I didn’t know about.

*****

“Hey you,” Finn greeted when he came home.

“Hey,” I smiled. “How was work?”

“Oh it was the same as usual. Everyone asleep already?”

“Yes, it was a long afternoon. Zack looked like he was drunk,” I laughed.

“Well, Harper and Monty asked if we wanted to go out for dinner,” Finn began. “What do you think?”

“Sure, that sounds like fun, I’ll go get ready!”

Monty and Harper have been our friends since we were young. I always had a hard time being myself around people but with them, I trusted them enough to let them in. Sometimes it seemed like I was similar to both of them and that made it much easier for me to feel safe. Harper has always been as driven and hard working as I am. While Monty had all the same questions on morals that I did. I was excited to spend time with them.

“Hey guys!!” I greeted when I got into their car. “Which restaurant are we going to?”

“We know meat is off limits for you so how about we go to that place you love, Café da Vinci?” Monty asked with a smile.

“Oh yes! I haven’t been there since before the accident!” I replied.

“I am really craving a burger though,” Finn laughed.

“I have no idea how you eat all that processed meat,” I disagreed. “The smell alone makes me nauseous. Not to mention all those poor animals that get abused.”

“Oh come on! It really doesn’t matter if I eat it or not, those animals will be abused and killed anyway,” Finn laughed.

“I can’t imagine cutting meat out of my life,” Monty agreed.

“We would definitely die of starvation,” Harper laughed. “I guess if it’s down to us or animals, I choose us.”

That conversation annoyed me more than I would admit. But thankfully, it was cut short by our arrival at the restaurant. By the time we sat down and ordered, my nerves had calmed down.

“So, we wanted to go out for a reason,” Monty began with a smile.

“What’s going on?” Finn asked.

Instead of answering, Harper pulled out an envelope from her bag and handed it to me. I opened it and pulled out a sonogram picture.

“We’re pregnant!” Harper announced.

“Congrats you two!” Finn replied excitedly.

“Wow that’s great,” I agreed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not too bad actually,” Harper said. “Now it’s your turn so we can have kids at the same time!”

“Oh God,” I laughed. “I can barely remember the kids I do have. I’m definitely not about to add another one to my list.”

“Finn hasn’t been complaining about another one?” Monty asked with a chuckle.

“Why would he complain?” I asked.

“Well he wanted kids way more than you did,” Harper answered. “I’m surprised you even have three!”

“I didn’t force her to have kids,” Finn defended lightly. “I just really wanted them so I’m grateful that she agreed to have a few with me.”

That whole conversation filled my mind with so much fog. I wish I had something to say. I wish I knew what my emotions were when I had kids. But all I could do was sit here and listen to a conversation about the most important thing in my life with no idea how I felt about it. I was surprised too but I couldn’t remember what led to them. I always knew how my life would go. Marriage, children, family, a possible career. My mother used to tell me that she loved her career but it always kept her from being a mom and a wife. I always wanted to be what she believed I should be. But did I want this life? Would I have preferred a career? I was almost thirty-one years old and the journey of finding out who I am should have been done a very long time ago. And now, all I feel is lost and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Instagram: nicolehartley22  
Tumblr: writingcommander


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this chapter has a rape trigger warning. The beginning is a rape scene, please skip if this is a trigger for you.

** _(Trigger Alert)_ **

_I lay in bed as Finn snored beside me. After a few minutes spent tossing and turning, I gave up on sleep and decided to find a story on my phone. I snuggled into bed and escaped into another world. Finn rolled into my back, his breath on my neck. My body tensed and my stomach turned. He grabbed my phone and threw it on the bed behind him. I turned around in shock but the look in his eyes sent a chill down my spine. _

  
_“I am sick of pretending that I don’t know about your secret,” Finn growled into my ear as he moved on top of me. _

  
_“What are you talking about? What has gotten into you?”_

  
_Finn looked at me and laughed as he pulled down my sweatpants and underwear. I struggled against him but he pinned himself into me. My body tightened and a sharp pain stabbed through my body. He began moving on top of me but I was frozen in place. My mind begged me to move or scream but all I could do was lay in place while tears streamed down my cheeks._

  
I jolted awake and quickly struggled to breathe. My lungs wouldn’t cooperate and my chest was heavy as anxiety spread through my body. Finn woke up and I could see the concern written all over his face.

  
“Clarke? What is it? Are you ok?”

  
I nodded and prayed that he would go back to sleep. Finn looked at me with uncertainty before he turned around and went back to sleep. 

I convinced my legs to move out of bed and rushed downstairs. I couldn’t believe that was just a dream, it felt real enough for me to still feel his hands holding me in place. Did Finn rape me? Was that a memory? I focused on breathing; in and out. I have known Finn since I was a child. He would never rape me. Finn has always been kind and loving. He would walk me home every day and waited until I got inside. He would never rape me.

Once my lungs steadied, I stood up and walked to my office. If I did have a secret, the answer would be hidden in there. I sat in my chair and took one of the spiral notebooks. I flipped through the pages but realized that I would never hide my secret in a book. There must be something there that was out of place, maybe an item I would never buy or a poem I would never write. Anger and impatience seethed through my body as I realized the difficulty of recognizing the unordinary behavior of a person I can’t even remember. I tried to relax and started with the basics. I would buy books. I would buy paint. The candle. I would never buy candles, well, I never used to. I examined the candle but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I took it into my hands and looked through the drawer for matches. I found a lighter and the beauty of it caught my attention. A majestic centaur with a bow was engraved into the sapphire metal. On the other side of the lighter were the words “For the days you are burning inside.” This must have been a birthday gift and I needed to know who the giver was. I continued searching for a card or anything that would help me figure out who this beautiful gift is from.

  
Under the lighter was a sketch and receipt for a tattoo. But I knew that I would never get a tattoo. I was terrified of needles and there is no way that fear changed. I didn’t see any tattoos on my body but this was paid for and my appointment was in three months. I traced the sketch with my fingers to try and summon a memory. It was a simple picture of a scale. I was studying prelaw in college, maybe it had to do with that. Or maybe the tattoo wasn’t even for me. I lit the candle, relaxed into my chair, and allowed the mystery scent to find its way into my nostrils. My nerves began to relax as the tension gently melted away. Chocolate and coffee. My mind was spinning and memories were struggling close to the surface. I could see flashes of tan skin and white teeth but nothing else would come. I gave up and decided to try sleeping again. I couldn’t sleep in my bed tonight but the couch was warm and I floated into a world of beautiful grey skies filled with chocolate and coffee.

  
******

  
“How was your week?” Dr. Greenberg asked me the next morning.

  
“My week was a roller coaster,” I began. 

  
“A fun one?” she laughed gently.

  
“Some parts, yes. But there were many flips this week. It made me nauseous at times.”

  
“What’s going on?”

  
“I tried to work out again. I’ve been feeling like a bum all day,” I explained. “But I only got ten minutes in before my body gave up on me.”

  
“Ten minutes is great after all the mental and physical strain that you have been through recently!”

  
“You’re right. I am proud of myself,” I agreed.

  
“Want to talk about this week’s flips?”

  
“I had a nightmare last night and it just felt so real. I can’t figure out if it was a memory or just a nightmare,” I began. “I know we agreed not to travel to the past but I don’t think I can let this go.”

  
“If it really is that important then I will definitely do my best to answer your question. What was the nightmare about?” she asked.

  
“It was a rape dream,” I whispered. “Finn was raping me. It felt so real, I could feel his hands on me when I woke up.”

  
“You have been coming to me for a year prior to the accident and yes, you and Finn had issues but him raping you was never one of them,” she replied confidently.

  
“In the dream, he mentioned a secret. It keeps replaying in my mind and I can’t shake it off. Did I have any secrets?”

  
“Everyone is entitled to their own secrets, even in a marriage,” she explained gently. “I don’t think we should travel that far into the past though. I can tell you with certainty that he never raped you. But let’s explore this together.”

  
“I don’t know what brought it on. We haven’t had sex and we barely touched since the accident. He has been patient and respectful about my recovery.”

  
“Did you talk to him about the nightmare?”

  
“No,” I admitted. “I didn’t know what to say or how to bring it up. I wanted to ask you before I did anything.”

  
“What happened when you woke up?”

  
“I ran out of bed and hid in my office for a while,” I said. “I really do think I have a secret so I tried to find a clue somewhere.”

  
“Did you find anything?” she asked.

  
“Just a cool lighter and a chocolate candle. Then I fell asleep on the couch.”

  
“Did he ask you why you slept on the couch?”

  
“I told him that I was reading and must have fell asleep.”

  
Dr. Greenberg smiled and we moved on with the session. It was my monthly mental check up point and she needed me to fill out several questionnaires. Fortunately, we decided that I am not depressed and not suicidal. Both were great news for my recovery. 

  
**Lexa**: Coffee in fifteen? 

  
The text message came at the perfect time. She always seemed to sense exactly when I needed a friend.

  
**Clarke**: Ew. Ice cream instead.

  
**Lexa**: See you there.

  
I drove to my favorite ice cream place. It was comforting to know that some things still haven’t changed. It was hard to drive sometimes. The beeping and the sounds of all the cars around me made my hands shake a bit. I wanted to conquer this fear before it got the chance to swallow me whole. So I drove, cautiously, fearfully, and slowly. I was proud of every inch. 

  
“Boo!” I whispered in Lexa’s ear as I walked up behind her. She jumped slightly and I couldn’t help laughing.

  
“Can’t you just say hello like a normal person?” Lexa rolled her eyes. 

  
“That’s no fun,” I giggled.

  
“Then you can buy our ice cream,” she demanded as I continued to laugh.

  
“Fine, it was worth it.”

  
“I’ll go find a booth,” Lexa said as she walked away. 

  
I ordered our ice creams and joined her at the table. The booths were soft and private. It always made me feel like I was in my very own cocoon. 

  
“How was therapy?” Lexa asked as soon as I took my first bite.

  
“Wow, don’t waste any time, do you?”

  
“That doesn’t sound good,” she replied.

  
“It was okay. A little rough,” I admitted. 

  
“What happened?” Lexa asked and I could hear the concern completely covering her usual tone. I was safe with her and she made sure that I would never doubt it.

  
“I had a bad dream last night and it hit me harder than I would like to.”

  
“Want to tell me about it?” 

  
“I think I am talked out honestly. Another time?”

  
“Of course,” Lexa replied gently.

  
“Have you ever been in love?” I asked. 

  
“Several times.”

  
“I mean, the crazy in love kind,” I explained. “Not the kind that ends when the relationship does. The kind of love they write about in songs and movies.”

  
“Yes. One time,” Lexa said with a hint of a smile. 

  
“What did it feel like?” I asked.

  
“Why do you ask?”

  
“I have been thinking about love for a while. Does it exist? Is it just something from the movies? Does it ever last forever?”

  
“What’s making you question all this?”

  
“I have loved Finn for a long time. It has always felt safe and comfortable. After this accident, my world has been flipped completely and its making me question everything I have ever known and felt,” I confessed.

  
“I have loved women in that way,” Lexa explained as she took a bite of her ice cream. “It was a nice feeling, that safety.”

  
“Why didn’t it last with them?”

  
“Things happened. Costia cheated on me. And the other woman I loved, it was really beautiful but it ran its course. Eventually, we stopped being on the same path. We wanted different things and we needed to go to different places. I still love her as a friend and as someone that knew me intimately. But I didn’t love her as anything more and I wanted more.”

  
“What did you want?” I asked as I pushed my cup away and focused on Lexa.

  
“I wanted a fire and a love that I can be sure would last forever,” Lexa explained. “I didn't want to settle into safe. I wanted something much deeper.”

“Did you find it?” I whispered. 

  
“I did.”

“What was it like?”

“It was like both an earthquake and a warm summer day at the same time,” she smiled and mixed her melted ice cream. “On some days, it was powerful enough to knock my breath away.”

“That sounds exhausting,” I said. 

“It was, but it also made me feel so alive. The pull was magnetic and I could not stay away. Thankfully, she felt the same. I think a love like that is hard to ignore on both ends.”

“Well it's been months and you haven't mentioned a girlfriend so I assume its over now?”

“Its on hold. She needs to figure things out and I love her enough to be patient,” Lexa explained. 

“What was she like? I'm curious to know what type of girl you loved,” I smiled even though there was a pang of jealousy at the idea of sharing my friend.

“She is a handful,” Lexa began with a laugh. “I knew it from the day we met but I couldn't stay away. She is difficult but has the biggest heart. She has an awful temper but her mind was truly an amazing place. She's creative, funny, stubborn, and beautiful.” 

“Did it happen slowly or quickly? The falling in love part,” I asked. 

"It sounds crazy but I don't remember falling in love with her. It was like I had known her forever and my soul immediately recognized her. I don't know if this makes sense but I don't remember not loving her.”

“Did she love you right away too?”

“She had a lot of walls up. I don’t know if she did. I think she was scared and confused at first because she didn't know she was gay,” Lexa explained. 

“Did she get over it?”

“Yes,” Lexa smiled. “It was a pull to each other that is unlike anything I could have imagined. No matter how hard it got, we somehow found our way back to each other.”

"Was it a good relationship?”

“It was hard at times. She was going through a lot and I understood. But the good times were so good. We wanted each other so much, like a fire that can't ever be burned out. We laughed all the time. We read each other books. It was a roller coaster but I loved her so much.”

"Do you still love her?”

“I can't imagine the day I would stop,” Lexa replied with a stare that was so piercing, I had to look away.

“Well, I hope she finds her way back to you,” I said as I tried to get comfortable. It was impossible. My body was anxious and my heart was aching. I wasn’t jealous. I obviously just wanted to know how a love like that felt.

“She will,” Lexa stated confidently. 

“What was her name?” I asked. 

"That isn't something you need to know right now. But I'll tell you eventually."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever since I updated! I had a book release scheduled last week and I was trying to meet a deadline. Good news though! I have a poetry collection that has been updated and rereleased! If anyone would like to read my other work, please check it out at the link below! You can use the kindle app or purchase a paperback. It's a collection of poems written to tell a story between two women. 
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082QZQ51P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_1vz.Db3P0CRZA
> 
> Feel free to find me!  
IG: nicolehartley22  
Tumblr: writingcommander 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I will be updating again next week.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger: Drug use.

It was a warm summer night as sat on my porch with a cup of tea. Finn always made fun of me because I could drink tea even when it’s a hundred degrees outside. Finn walked outside just as he crossed my thoughts, as if he felt me thinking of him.

“Tea and a sweatshirt?” he smiled as he shook his head.

“It isn’t not that hot yet. This is totally acceptable right now,” I laughed.

He sat down next to me, put his arm around me, and pulled me to his chest. He smelled like fresh laundry and peppermint. I have known him for so long, he reminds me so much of my childhood. It was hard to believe we were still here, together, in love, married. This was everything I have ever wanted.

“Harper and Monty are coming over soon. Monty said he has a big surprise for us,” Finn chuckled.

We heard the car pulling into the driveway before I had a chance to reply.

“Are you guys ready?” Monty screamed out as he walked up the steps.

“What are we getting ready for?” I laughed.

“He bought us brownies,” Harper smiled.

“Like real brownies or fun brownies?” I asked.

“Oh they are definitely fun brownies,” Monty answered.

“You guys are crazy! The kids are sleeping inside,” Finn defended as he pulled me closer.

“I knew you would be annoying about this,” Monty laughed. “But Clarke, you wouldn’t let me down, would you?”

“Have I ever been high?” I asked seriously.

“No, you haven’t,” Finn answered. “Monty has never made brownies before. These are a new experiment.”

“If it makes you feel better, I have never gotten high either,” Harper said.

“And if it makes you both feel better, I have tried these before and I really outdid myself,” Monty laughed.

“Okay, I’m in!” I smiled.

“Wait,” Finn pulled away. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. I want to try it,” I explained. “You’ll take care of me. I’m not worried.”

“But what if the kids wake up?”

“Then you’ll take care of them,” Harper suggested.

Monty took out a piece of the brownie cake. It wasn’t very big and the smell was strong enough to reach my nostrils before I even picked up a bite. Harper cut the brownie into three small pieces and gave each of us a section.

“Ready?” she smiled.

Monty and I looked at each other before we took a bite. It tasted like fresh grass mixed with chocolate. It was horrible. I finished it quickly and drank my tea to swallow it down.

“God, that was horrible,” I grimaced as I continued to drink my tea.

“Do you feel anything?” Harper asked.

“It doesn’t work that quickly, babe,” Monty laughed.

I relaxed into the chair as Finn squeezed my thigh lightly to let me know he’s there if I need him. We talked about the kids and our days as we waited for the grass to make its way through our system. Monty was impatient and took out a tightly wrapped joint. He lit it up and took the first hit. He smiled as he breathed out and passed it to Harper. I was impressed with how easily she inhaled the joint but laughed as she coughed lightly with the exhale. She passed it to me and I bought it up to my lips. It smelled so much stronger than the brownie and it was as if I took a handful of grass and shoved it in my mouth. I inhaled a little too deeply and choked. Finn sat up quickly and the worried look on his face made me laugh as I coughed.

“Amateurs,” Monty whispered as he took the joint from my fingers and inhaled again.

The smoke hit my system much faster than the brownie did. Or maybe it was the brownie that started working because my legs were tingling and I burst out laughing. Harper took one look at me and started laughing too.

“Why are you so weird?” Monty asked between laughs. “You look crazy.”

“We look crazy? Look at your face,” Harper laughed.

I watched their conversation and couldn’t even reply as the laughs rocked my body until my stomach hurt from laughing too much.

“Whoa, do you guys see that?” Monty asked as he looked up at the sky.

“See what?” Finn asked as he followed his gaze. “I don’t see anything.”

“The UFO’s, you don’t see them?” Monty asked again.

“You’re so stupid,” I breathed out between giggles. “There are no UFO’s. Aliens don’t exist.”

“I wish we had superpowers,” Harper said dreamily.

“What does that have to do with the UFO’s?” I asked very seriously.

“I want to fly,” Harper laughed suddenly.

“Oh I want to teleport!” I yelled out.

Monty looked at us both and pretended to shoot webs from his hands. Then he fell off of the chair and I don’t think I had ever laughed as hard as I did in that moment. He stayed on the floor until Harper eventually joined him on the ground. They lay together and stared up at a sky that was too full of street lights to show any actual stars. But in their minds, I am sure there were plenty. Finn kissed the top of my head and asked if I am okay. I was. I was happy and relaxed. I felt like I was twenty years old without a care in the world. How dangerous this feeling is for someone that often feels the weight of ten years on their shoulders. It didn’t last very long. Within a few moments, the dizziness hit and I needed to rest my head too.

“Clarke?” Finn asked. “You look a little pale. What are you feeling?”

“I am very sleepy,” I answered.

“I’m going to call your mom,” Finn said as he pulled out his phone.

“No!” I yelled quickly. “She’s going to be so mad at me.”

“Clarke, you’re thirty years old,” Finn explained.

“You can’t tell her! I’m okay, just tired.”

We looked at Monty and Harper who had already passed out on the ground.

“Let me put you all to bed before I call their babysitter. If you aren’t okay by the morning, I am asking your mother for help,” Finn said as he picked me up and carried me upstairs.

I nodded my head and fell asleep the second he tucked me into the bed. I felt him lightly kiss my forehead and I smiled before I fell into a deep sleep.

******

The next morning came with a pounding headache. I groaned and quickly shut my eyes again even though I heard Finn asking me something. I opened my eyes again and saw him sitting at my side with a smile on his face.

“Why is there snow all over the place?” I groaned out.

“We are indoors, sweetie,” Finn laughed. “There is no snow.”

“My head hurts,” I explained as I closed my eyes and turned around.

“We have your grandmothers birthday lunch in a few hours,” Finn reminded me. “I need you to take these pain killers and sober up. I made you a sandwich.”

“I am really sleepy,” I complained.

“I know but you need to eat.”

“Where are Monty and Harper?” I asked.

“They woke up already and went home,” Finn answered. “I wanted you to get some more sleep before I woke you up to eat.”

I sat up slowly and took the pain killers and water he offered. He left the sandwich and cup of tea on the table then left to take care of the kids. The past few weeks have been hard for me after that nightmare. But Dr. Greenberg was right. Finn would never rape me. I have known him long enough to know that he could never. It must have been my anxiety of eventually having sex with him that made me nervous. He was a good man. He was a good father. I smiled in my confidence about him and ate my sandwich. The food and medicine made me feel better and I decided to be lazy until it was time to leave.

******

Finn parked outside of the restaurant and turned off the ignition while I got out of the car. We took the kids out and walked to the restaurant where my family was waiting. I was still feeling very sluggish but the headache was gone and I could at least pretend that I was fine. Everyone greeted us with smiles and a chorus of hellos. Finn handed Zack to my mother while Madi and Aden ran to my siblings.

“Happy birthday, grandma,” I smiled and kissed her cheek.

“Thank you, darling. Do you want me to come help you with the kids tomorrow?”

“It’s okay grandma, everyone will be in school except Zack. I’ll call you if I do need help though,” I promised.

“Clarke, come sit next to me so we can talk, honey,” my grandpa yelled out.

I kissed my father quickly, greeted the rest of my family, then walked to my grandpa.

“Hi Grandpa Joe,” I said as I kissed his cheek.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

“Getting there. I just wish I could remember everything,” I answered and took a few of his French fries.

“Do you remember that you’re my favorite grandchild?” my grandpa whispered.

“I won’t ever forget that, Grandpa Joe,” I replied with a soft laugh.

“Do you remember when I took you to the city and taught you the history of all the buildings?”

“I remember. Every time I went into the city after that, I told everyone that my grandpa took me here first.”

“Do you remember when I took you to the library so that you could read new books every Saturday?”

“Of course, that will always be my favorite memory.”

“Your memory seems fine darling. But do you remember when you set up my brand new computer a few weeks ago?” Grandpa Joe asked.

“I don’t remember but I’m glad I was able to help Grandpa,” I smiled before taking his drink.

“But you didn’t help,” Grandpa Joe replied as he moved closer to my ear. “I can’t watch anymore sex movies, what did you do?”

I choked on my drink and coughed lightly.

“I probably installed some sort of protection and most of those sex videos will kill your computer,” I said with as steady of a voice as I could manage.

“But what do I need a computer for if I can’t watch sex movies, Clarke?”

“How should I know? Maybe you want to work or take care of your bank accounts.”

“I am seventy-three years old, what work would I need to do? Your uncle takes care of my bank accounts. I just want to watch some sex movies.”

“Do seventy-three year old men still watch those movies?”

“Of course we do, I’m not dead you know. I want to enjoy movies with beautiful women. So fix my computer,” Grandpa Joe demanded.

I turned to Bellamy who was snickering quietly.

“Did that just happen?” I whispered in his ear.

“It happened,” Bellamy smirked.

“What happened?” my mother questioned.

“Nothing important,” I answered quickly. “Did you order already?”

“We ordered a little bit of everything. I got you the pasta you like,” my mother replied over Zack’s screaming.

“Did you get me onion rings, Uncle Bellamy?” Aden asked excitedly.

“Of course I did, buddy.”

The food finally arrived and the waitresses seemed to make Zack more nervous. I don’t remember every seeing him scream this much before. He threw the food across the room and started crying. I took him into my lap and hugged him but he tried to bite my shoulder and pushed me away.

“I think he’s just tired. He didn’t nap as long as usual,” I explained to my family.

“It’s okay. I can take him outside,” Finn offered.

“But the food just got here. Try to feed him first,” my grandmother suggested.

I put him back in his chair and tried to give him a few pieces of pasta. He calmed down and started eating. But a few minutes later, he saw a waitress and started screaming again. Finn took his plate of food and took him outside. Moments like this were always hard for me because I never knew what needed to be done. Finn was so quick to act while I just sat there. My father sat in the empty chair beside me and pulled me in for a hug.

“Give him time, he will be okay in a few years,” my father promised as he kissed my head.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because your mother is a doctor and if she isn’t worried then I’m not either,” he smiled. 

“I don’t even know what’s wrong with him, daddy,” I complained lightly.

“Nothing is wrong, he’s perfect,” my father began. “He just isn’t following a regular development timeline. He likes to break rules, just like his mother.”

“Very funny,” I smiled.

Finn finally came back in with a now calm Zack. He had a bag of chips and acted as if nothing happened. He put him back in his chair and smiled at me. It was just a tantrum. Kids have that all the time. I could handle that. I watched my children with my family. They were being taken care of. My mother was trying to feed Zack a baked potato now but he smacked it away and focused on his chips. Aden and Madi were telling everyone stories and Finn was talking to my grandmother. I finally felt a sense of warmth and belonging returning to my body. Maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news everyone!! I released a poetry collection a few weeks ago and it hit #1 new release on Amazon! Thank you to anyone who may have checked it out (please leave a review if you did!) and if you want to check it out, please use the link below. 
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082QZQ51P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_1vz.Db3P0CRZA
> 
> And more good news, the next chapter is already written and it is my absolute favorite chapter of this story. Its the climax that will finally push Clarke to where she truly needs to be. I need to do some editing but I promise to post it this Tuesday, January 7th!! I cant wait for you all to read it!
> 
> Feel free to find me!  
IG: nicolehartley22  
Tumblr: writingcommander


	13. Chapter 13

I finished getting ready as Finn waited. That was the first event we had attended since the accident. Finn smiled when I walked into the room.

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

John and Emori were having an eight year anniversary party. I knew that I had to be there. I was dressed in a knee length, off the shoulder, royal blue dress. The dark colors flattered my light skin and as much as I hated the heels, I did love the way they made my body look. Finn offered his arm and I held on to it as we made our way to the car. My stomach was in knots and I couldn’t understand the uneasiness I felt as we drove to the restaurant. Those people are our friends and family. I have known many of them my whole life. Emori has been my best friend since we were children. But the closer we got, the sicker I felt. We finally arrived and the cool air made my skin crawl.

“Did I enjoy these parties?”

“You didn’t like getting dressed up but you enjoyed being around friends. I’ll be holding your hand the whole time,” Finn promised with a smile.

The crowd of people made my chest heavy but I forced myself to breathe. I looked around and met Emori’s eyes as she walked toward me.

“I’m so glad you were able to make it!” she said as she pulled me into a hug. “How have you been? I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to stop by, the last few months have been crazy.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve been good, trying to get back into a routine so it has been busy for me too.”

I was surprised as the lies easily flowed from my lips. No, I was not good. I was missing ten years of my life and I really didn’t care to celebrate anyone’s anniversary. My mind screamed and my heart was punching out of my chest. I listened to Emori as I constantly reminded myself not to faint.

The rest of the conversation was a blur and I finally focused on my surroundings. The restaurant was big with four long tables. The majority of the guests were Emori’s cousins since John’s family was quite small. I couldn’t see any of our mutual friends and assumed it was kept for close relatives. I politely waved to the people I remembered from when I was a child. I could feel their eyes staring into me as they whispered to each other.

We walked to our table which already had drinks and appetizers laid out. I had already ordered the meat when I answered my reservation card and hoped this dinner would end rapidly. I smiled at my in laws and at Finn’s only relatives. I was settling into my chair when the expected interrogation began.

“How are you feeling, Clarke?” Finn’s aunt Betty asked.

“I’m feeling much better now. It’s been a couple months so I’m getting used to everything again,” I replied with a smile. The forced charm and fake smiles were second nature to me.

“That’s great. We were worried about you,” her husband Alfred continued.

I controlled my eyes from rolling. I had no doubt that they were not worried about me. Betty and Alfred have been the community’s gossip couple for as long as I could remember.

“That’s so nice of you but I was very lucky.”

“Why were you guys so late? Everyone was waiting for you to bring out the dinner,” my mother in law, Violet, asked.

“It took us a while to get the kids to sleep. I didn’t want to leave them awake,” I answered.

“You spoil them too much,” Violet insisted. “That’s why they cause so much trouble.”

“Trouble? They haven’t done anything to cause trouble,” I replied defensively.

“Has anyone tried this restaurant before?” Finn interrupted.

“I haven’t but I heard good things,” Finn’s father, Caleb, answered.

“So Clarke, have you gotten the memories back yet?” Finn’s cousin Paul questioned loudly.

I wanted to groan but I refrained. I didn’t need my memories to remember how obnoxious Paul is. At least I knew he hadn’t changed in the past ten years.

“Not yet, but hopefully they will come soon,” I replied.

“How are the kids holding up?” Betty asked.

“They don’t really understand what’s happening. Aden keeps reminding her of things but Madi and Zack don’t notice a difference,” Finn answered.

“You should watch videos and look at your pictures. I bet your wedding video would jog some memories,” Alfred suggested.

“Oh I remember your wedding. It was beautiful, you were both so young. I just knew it was a perfect match,” Betty said with a stiff smile.

My chest tightened and I wasn’t sure if my ribs were breaking again due to this conversation. I knew better than to believe anything I was hearing. Betty was not happy we had gotten married. Memories aren’t necessary for me to know that. These were the people who told me that I wasn’t good enough to marry Finn. The past ten years don’t matter after the comments I remembered hearing from Betty.

“Okay everyone. Clarke really needs to eat something,” my mother in law insisted. “I’m sure she would be happy to continue this later.”

I sighed gratefully and looked down at the plate the waiter placed in front of me. Meat had never been my first choice of food but I had to admit that it looked good. Finn kept his promise and never let go of my hand. I smiled at him and took my hand out of his. I picked up my fork and knife and sliced through a soft piece of meat. I took a bite and immediately noticed the burnt taste in my mouth. I hated meat that was this well done. It tasted like burnt plastic and I couldn’t swallow it even though I chewed hard. I picked up the glass of wine that Finn handed me and took a sip to force the meat down. I grimaced at the bitter taste of the wine but finally swallowed. I pushed my plate away and picked at the salad instead.

“Are you okay?” my father in law whispered.

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” I replied with a forced smile.

“Because you hate salad,” he explained softly.

“You’re right, I do. I just thought it would be better than this meat,” I admitted.

My father in law chuckled and returned to his own plate. Everyone was busy with their own dinner and I had a few moments of peace. My mind kept drifting to a certain pair of green eyes that seemed to anchor me. I took out my phone and sent a text.

**Clarke:** What are you up to?

I tried to keep the phone hidden and jumped slightly when it vibrated a second later.

**Lexa: **Just got into bed, about to watch a movie. How’s the party?

I needed to escape. Lexa was my only hope. Everyone else would ask questions and tell me that I needed to stay.

**Clarke:** Hell! Can you get me out of here?

Lexa wouldn’t tell me to stay. I really hoped that she wouldn’t tell me that.

**Lexa:** Ha, should I pick you up?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I needed to get out of this dinner now.

**Clarke:** Yes, I will make something up.

Lexa would say yes, I was sure of it. She hasn’t lectured me about texting during the party, maybe she understood.

**Lexa:** I’ll be there in ten.

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. My shoulders became lighter as I sat up straight.

**Clarke:** Planning my escape!!

I knew that leaving would cause a scene. But the thick smell of meat and expensive perfume was suffocating me. I would do it quickly. I waited as another fifteen minutes passed slowly before putting my plan into action.

“I feel a little light headed, I think I’m ready to head out,” I leaned over and whispered into Finn’s ear.

“We just got here, are you sure? I wouldn’t want Emori and John to be upset.”

“Of course not, I really am very dizzy though. You stay and enjoy the party.”

“I can’t stay without you. How about we stay for another twenty minutes then we can go?”

“Is everything okay?” Paul asked.

“Of course. It’s so kind of you to ask,” I replied through gritted teeth. I turned back to Finn and continued. “It’s just too much for me right now. Lexa is going to take me for a drive then I will go home to rest.”

“I shouldn’t have let you come. I will take you home. Tell Lexa not to bother.”

“Finn, no, please stay and enjoy the party for the both of us. I will see you at home soon,” I promised as I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

I stood up and prayed for a quick exit even though that was highly impossible.

“Where are you going, Clarke?” Violet asked.

“Oh I feel light headed. I need to rest.”

“But you just got here less than an hour ago. Try drinking some water.”

“I know I feel awful about it, but I already drank water and I still don’t feel great,” I insisted.

“Should we call the doctor?” Betty asked.

“Finn, you should call the doctor,” Alfred insisted.

“How about everyone calm down? She needs air so just let her get some,” Caleb explained harshly.

His comment made everyone back off and I considered making a run for it before they asked more questions. However, I politely said goodbye and made the necessary apologies before leaving. Finn walked me to the door and I found the sports car parked right outside. Lexa was leaning against the front hood of her navy car. She was wearing a black tank top and I noticed that she had a tattoo on her upper arm. It looked very tribal and my fingers itched to draw a copy of it. My lungs filled with air as I hit the roof of the car. Lexa jumped and I finally released all my tension with laughter.

“Let’s go, stranger!” I smirked.

Lexa groaned as she walked to the trunk of the car. I looked at her curiously as she pulled out a pair of sneakers and a bag.

“These are yours. I know you are dying to get out of those heels and dress.”

My heart pumped faster and even skipped a few beats. I grabbed my sneakers and threw the heels into the trunk. I got into the car to change while Lexa waited outside. I finally finished and told her to get in. I looked at the woman that sat beside me as she began driving. I couldn’t help the desire inside me that wanted to make her break rules tonight.

“Go faster,” I said excitedly.

“I will go at a safe speed. I don’t want to die,” Lexa replied sternly.

“Why are you so dramatic?” I asked.

Lexa rolled her eyes and laughed. I closed my eyes as Lexa drove down the empty streets and toward the closest highway. The uneasiness in my stomach was long gone and a sense of calm settled into my bones.

“We’ve done this before, haven’t we?”

“Many times,” Lexa replied. 

I didn’t know where we were going but this road made me feel safe. I took Lexa’s phone but didn’t know the password.

“Want to give me the password so I can play some music?”

“Scan your left ring finger, it’ll unlock.”

“Why would your phone unlock with my fingerprint?”

“Because you couldn’t remember my password so I just added your fingerprint instead. I can add more than just mine and I was tired of you changing my password to something you preferred,” Lexa smiled.

“Ok,” I laughed.

I held the scanner with my finger and the phone unlocked. Lexa’s wallpaper was a picture of the two of us with Zack. We were sitting on the grass somewhere with big smiles. Zack was in my lap and Lexa was holding the phone to take the picture.

“You must really like me if you want to see me all the time,” I smirked.

“Oh that isn’t because of you. Look how great Zack and I look. I couldn’t resist using it even though you were in there too,” Lexa teased back.

I shook my head and relaxed into the seat as the smooth strumming of the guitar and raspy voice filled the car. I loved this. No, I needed this. This was familiarly unfamiliar. Being here with this stranger felt right. The way my heart was racing and my hands were shaking was different. It was full of excitement. Every nerve in my body remembered the woman beside me and all of those nerves were comforted by her. I closed my eyes until we eventually parked. I got out of the car and stood outside of an old warehouse. The roads had train tracks pierced into the ground and the buildings were covered in graffiti.

“Come on. I’ll show you where we usually hang out,” Lexa said with a big smile.

I watched Lexa grab a bag from her trunk before I followed her down a dark alley. We walked until we found an old and rusted fire escape. Lexa pushed a black crate under it and stood on top to pull the ladder down. I watched her climb up easily with the bag in one hand. Once Lexa reached the top, she waited until I followed after her. I tried not to look down until I finally stood beside Lexa. There was a dull ache in my ribs that caused me to clutch my stomach protectively.

“Does it still hurt?” Lexa asked with concern.

“Not that much. The doctor said the broken bones are healed but it still feels sore sometimes,” I reassured her.

Lexa nodded hesitantly then walked across the roof, “I’ll show you our hiding spot.”

“We have a hiding spot?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Look up,” Lexa replied excitedly.

I tilted my head up and warmth filled every crack in my bones. I had not bothered to notice the sky in a very long time. The bright city lights had caused all the stars to disappear. But right here, standing on the roof of a graffiti covered warehouse, I looked up at a world full of shining stars.

“Let’s get comfortable and then you can stare at the stars some more,” Lexa promised.

“What’s in the bag? Have I taken up drinking?” I asked anxiously.

Lexa shook her head and laughed, “no, just junk food and a blanket.”

I smiled wide and watched as Lexa took out the blanket then spread it on the floor. She sat down by the edge of the roof and opened the bag of food. I refused to get too close; being this high caused me anxiety. Lexa pulled out a cup of ice cream and a bottle of water.

“You won’t fall,” Lexa tried as she handed me the cup of ice cream.

I took the ice cream and opened it. Melted vanilla with bananas and hot fudge. I licked the drops off of my finger and smiled at Lexa.

“How did you get the ice cream so fast?” I asked curiously.

“Your favorite shop is across the street from my apartment,” Lexa explained.

“You’re so useful,” I teased.

Lexa rolled her eyes as she laughed. I anxiously walked to the edge and sat down next to her. At least there was a bar I could hold on to. Lexa handed me the bottle of water then pulled out her own snack.

“I’ve seen this place before,” I said hesitantly.

“We used to come here all the time. Do you remember it?”

“No, in the hospital, before I woke up. I had a dream that I was on this roof. I completely forgot about that dream until now.”

“It’s normal not to remember them. You probably just thought of it because you find comfort here.”

“Wells was there too,” I said with a low voice. “He told me that it wasn’t my fault.”

“It wasn’t.”

“The night of that accident is the last thing I remember. A part of me really misses him.”

“He was your best friend. He obviously cared about you enough to take care of you in your dream until you woke up,” Lexa replied.

“I don’t want to lose that memory of him, even if it was just a dream.”

“You won’t. We’ll write it down,” Lexa promised.

“He seemed happy up there. They had roller coasters and everything.”

“Yeah? So you want to stay in heaven after you die?”

“I used to think about that all the time. Heaven is supposed to be this place of eternal peace, right? I don’t want to suffer or anything but, doesn’t that seem boring?” I asked.

“Of course you would think that. I mean, imagine you had no one to fight back with you? The horror!”

“Very funny. Seriously, how much fun could an eternity of peace really be?”

“So no heaven and I really hope you don’t want hell. Is there a third option or will you just be unhappy after death?” Lexa laughed.

“Do you believe in twin flames?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I like the idea of living life with your twin flame. Of finding them and falling in love with them over and over again in a million lifetimes.”

“How do you know that you will actually find them in every lifetime?”

“Two souls that have known each other for eternity, that are two halves of one fire, will always be drawn to each other. They can’t stay too far apart.”

“What if you meet them and it’s too late? What if you can’t be with them anymore because you built a life with someone else? How can you even be happy with someone else if you are that connected to another soul?” Lexa rushed.

“I believe we have one twin flame and many soulmates. So many people that we have loved in previous lifetimes. So think of hotels. Hotels can be fun, right? You get room service and housekeeping. They might even have a pool. You're happy in a hotel. But hotels won't ever feel as good as being home. I imagine that all your soulmates feel like a hotel. There are several options and you can be happy with any of them. But finding your twin flame will feel as good as going home.”

“What if it’s too late?” Lexa repeated.

“It’ll never be too late. You won’t be able to stay away even if you wanted to. You’ll make sure to keep them around one way or another, even if it kills you.”

“Why would you want that? Why put yourself through that risk of pain when you could easily spend eternity with them in heaven?”

“I want to find them in hundreds of different versions. I want to fall in love with them in every single one. It’s worth the risk of pain if I get to possibly spend eternity falling in love over and over again,” I explained.

“Who would have thought that you were such a romantic?” Lexa teased.

I shoved Lexa softly then continued eating my ice cream. My body was hurting and my mind was clouded. I hated feeling so lost all the time. But right now, in this beautiful moment, I somehow felt safe.

“Is Finn your twin flame?”

“I don’t know. I don’t feel at home, I feel out of place. But I know that I can’t possibly judge that with my current situation.”

“I understand.”

“Was I happy?” I asked.

“You were fine.”

“Lexa, was I happy?” I pressed.

“Yes,” Lexa insisted.

I looked at her and could see how tense Lexa’s shoulders were. I was missing something. I couldn’t find the right pieces to this puzzle.

“I feel like I’m trapped on a hamster wheel sometimes. I’m constantly running but still going nowhere. I wish I could be certain of something. Anything.”

“You love your kids so much. How about you try focusing on that? The memories will come back eventually. Stressing won’t help.”

“I swear I’m trying but it feels like I’m not meant to be here. I feel guilty. I want to pick up and leave. Want to run away with me? We’ll travel the world,” I offered.

“Just give it time, please?”

I focused on the stars again. The whole world seemed so big and so far while I was stuck on the roof of an old warehouse. Lexa reached over hesitantly and traced my arm with her fingertips.

“It will be ok. I’m here,” Lexa whispered.

I believed every word that fell from Lexa’s lips. I don’t know how she did it but the tension melted. The memories would come and Lexa will be here. It was getting late, we had to go home. Lexa stood up and held out her hand to pull me to my feet. I hesitated slightly but finally pulled her into a hug. I was surprised that I needed this affection from someone. It wasn’t something I remembered ever needing. I buried my face in Lexa’s neck and held her close. When I looked up again, I was met with clear green eyes and the smell of chocolate and coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It was definitely my favorite one to write. It is subtle but filled with so many things that I wanted in this story. It's also the chapter that will now have Clarke truly guessing everything she thought was true. Can't wait for you guys to read the next half of this story!!!
> 
> Feel free to find me!  
IG: nicolehartley22  
Tumblr: writingcommander


	14. Chapter 14

It has been months and the memories are still nowhere to be found in the mess that is my mind. Summer is my favorite season and maybe it is the perfect time to find out who I truly was. I asked Lexa for the phone numbers of the friends that I cannot remember. I wanted to rebuild everything that I had lost. Maybe there was a whole other side of me that I needed to find before I could find my memories.

**Clarke:** Hey.

I wasn’t sure how else to start a conversation with someone I didn’t remember.

**Marie:** Do you remember me yet?

Do I lie? Would she be offended that I don’t?

**Clarke:** Not yet. I need some help with that.

Honesty has always been my preference. Not like I could have lied and pretended I knew her anyway.

**Marie:** How can I help?

I didn’t even know what I needed. I just needed to know who I was.

**Clarke:** I just need to do whatever it is we used to do. I need to try and feel normal.

That didn’t make sense at all.

**Marie:** Meet me at Café Napoli in the city tonight at 8pm. I’ll send you an email, read the story and we will discuss it tonight.

Well that was odd. I asked to hang out and somehow I ended up with homework.

**Clarke:** Okay.

Maybe I’ve become a drug dealer. Or maybe I have joined a gang and it was time to meet my fellow members. I always knew I would somehow get myself into some shady business when I got older. I printed out the email she sent me and sat down to read the story. I was itching to change around some words and fix it. I remember Lexa told me that I worked as an editor. That must be my instinct crawling its way up to my fingers. But it would be rude to change someone’s story. So I read. It was a decent story about an alien invasion in middle of the night. It was not very powerful and I got bored in the middle. Thankfully, it was only several pages.

A few hours quickly passed before it was already 6pm. Finn walked through the door with a small on his face when he saw everyone hanging out on the couch together.

“Hello to all my favorite people,” Finn laughed.

“Daddy!” Madi jumped into his arms.

“How was everyone’s day?”

“It was good, we went on a trip at camp today,” Aden replied.

“Where did you go?”

“To a museum. I didn’t like it.”

“Okay, hopefully the next trip will be better,” Finn smiled. “What about you? Had a good day?” he asked as he kissed the top of my head.

“It was good,” I smiled at him. “I connected with Marie, do you know her?”

“I never met her but you mentioned her a few times.”

“She asked me to hang out with her tonight at a café,” I explained.

“That sounds great, I’m sure you’ll have fun.”

I smiled at Finn and nodded hesitantly. I was willingly going to meet a stranger that I could not remember. She could be a serial killer. Or worse, she could be one of those really polite people that I never understood. But I have always been great with people, this isn’t scary. I could do this.

*****

**Clarke: **Just walked into the café. No one here?

It was a warm place. There was a few old couches and big conference table. I ordered a hot chocolate and got comfortable on one of the couches. A few minutes passed and there was still no reply. Maybe I was being stood up. Maybe she really is a killer and I am about to be kidnapped. Now that I thought of it, the café was a little too quiet.

“Clarke,” she called as she walked toward me.

I smiled and stood up to greet her. She was my a bit taller than me with tanned skin, brown hair, and dimples. She gave me a slight smile and nod and I smiled in return. I wanted to laugh a little at how uncomfortable she looked. I wasn’t sure if it was the situation or her personality that made her awkward but it still made me want to giggle.

“Marie,” I smiled.

“Let’s go sit down,” she suggested as she began to walk away.

“Will you finally tell me what this is about?” I asked as we finally sat down.

“About a year ago, you created this writing workshop,” Marie began. “It’s a meeting between about eight writers and every week, we review one person’s story.”

“Oh, that’s so much fun! I remember doing that in my creative writing classes in college.”

“It has been a great workshop and we kept it going even after the accident because we knew you’d want something to come back to when you are ready,” she explained.

“Wow, that’s really amazing of you all,” I replied with a smile. “Was I good at this?”

“You were brutally honest which offended some people,” she whispered. “But, you were always on point so the writers that cared to improve actually stuck around.”

That was all the confidence I needed. I read the story, I had my opinions about it and I had never been afraid to share my thoughts. Marie was gentle to be around. She introduced me to all the writers and they seemed genuinely happy to see me again. The night was fun and real. Everyone spoke their mind and encouraged each other. They updated the group on their current projects and even their relationships. I laughed and felt more relaxed than I felt with the friends I grew up with. I spent my whole childhood wondering if there would ever be anyone out there that could understand all of the stories that made a home in my mind. I was ecstatic to learn that I had found a group of friends that shared the thoughts in my mind – the good and the bad.

“It was really great to see you again, Clarke,” Harry said with a smile. He was definitely my favorite. “Do you want to go eat at our place?”

“I can’t remember what our place is,” I laughed. “But sure. Marie, will you come too?”

“Yes, this was a weekly tradition I have missed,” she smiled.

We walked down the block to the place Harry explained is my absolute favorite. They had chocolate everything, even chocolate pizza. It was already 10pm but the restaurant was still very busy. The service was moving quickly and it was only a few minutes before we were seated. The menu made my mouth dry. They had crepes and chocolate fondues. This was obviously a place stolen out of heaven. I couldn’t resist the chocolate pizza and waffle fries. It was late and I was about to get high on sugar. This was a good idea. I’m sure of it. I’m an adult now. I can have chocolate for dinner if I choose to.

“How have you been lately?” Harry asked.

“I’m okay, I think,” I answered hesitantly. “I wish I remembered more about my life so that I wasn’t so lost all the time. But I’m starting to learn who I used to be.”

“You’re a writer,” Marie laughed. “Memories won’t help you find anything. You’ll just feel more lost.”

“She’s right,” Harry agreed. “It’s a writers curse.”

“Aw, thanks so much for the support you two,” I replied with an eye roll.

They laughed and deep down, I knew they were right. I have always been lost, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. What could my memories possibly tell me when this is the only thing I had ever known?

“How are things with Finn?” Marie asked as we waited for our food.

“They are fine. There’s so much I don’t understand and I wish I knew how everything was before this accident.”

“Why are you doubting things?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know,” I tried to explain but couldn’t. There was nothing to explain. “He hasn’t even tried to sleep with me and it’s been months.”

“So the reason you are cranky is because you need sex?” Harry laughed and Marie joined him.

“No! I am just confused!” I defended.

“You aren’t missing much, men are really not that good in bed,” Marie encouraged.

“Hey!” Harry snapped. “I happen to be really good in bed. My women are very satisfied.”

“That’s because you need something to write about,” Marie explained. “You’re the exception to the rule. Trust me, they suck.”

“Aren’t you married to a man?” I asked.

“Don’t remind me,” she rolled her eyes.

“She prefers women,” Harry smirked.

“Then what are you doing with a man?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“I have been married for fifteen years. I love him, we have two children together.”

“So what’s the issue?” I asked again.

“I guess I have a craving that he can’t satisfy,” she suggested subtly.

“She wants a woman,” Harry clarified again.

“Shut up,” Marie snapped at him with a small smile.

“Have you spoken to him about it?” I asked.

“Luckily he is my best friend too. He knows where I stand but I think a part of me is too afraid to sleep with a woman.”

“How come?”

“Women are incredible,” Harry encouraged.

“One of my friends told me this story about her and her girlfriend and I have not been able to build up the courage to find a woman,” Marie confessed.

“What’s the story?” I asked impatiently.

The food arrived before Marie could tell us and I was almost positive there was drool coming out of my mouth. It was steaming and we were forced to wait a few minutes unless we wanted the skin to melt off of the roof of our mouth.

“My friend, Mila, was having sex with her girlfriend one night. She said her girlfriend had her period that morning but she showered and it was gone. So Mila decided she’s willing to take that chance and wanted to have sex. They went at it for an hour and they were laying there after and,” Marie paused.

“Oh God,” I interrupted with my hand over my face.

“Yep,” Marie said. “She got her period again and there was blood all over her thighs.”

“That would be my worst nightmare!” I agreed.

“Mila was very cool about it and tried to reassure her girlfriend that it was fine but her girl was completely mortified.”

“Big deal,” Harry shrugged. “I have had sex with women that were on their periods before.”

“Really? I thought men were disgusted by it,” Marie asked.

“It’s normal, some men are dramatic,” Harry laughed. “Wear a condom and fuck your girl.”

“But how did her girlfriend react?” I asked.

“She freaked out but Mila kept reassuring her that she tasted fine and the bed wasn’t even dirty,” Marie continued.

“I would be so embarrassed.”

“She got over it because they are still together and very sexually active,” Marie laughed.

“So this is why you haven’t fucked a woman yet?” Harry asked. “Because you’re a chicken?”

“Fuck you,” Marie defended as I laughed at his comment and finally took a bite of my chocolate pizza from heaven.

“How would I deal with that?” Marie asked.

“Just don’t have sex with someone if they are on their period,” I laughed.

“According to Mila, once you have sex with a woman, you can’t go through a full week without sex,” Marie replied. “She said they are both very sexual and that week of no sex really stresses them.”

“That sounds like a real exaggeration,” I said.

“I don’t know, women really are that addicting,” Harry confirmed.

“What if I open up that box and I can never close it again? What will happen to my marriage?”

“It sounds like you have already peeked inside of the box,” I began. “How long do you think you can keep it closed?”

“She’s got a point,” Harry groaned between bites. “Don’t deprive yourself from the beauty that is a woman.”

“Did you just moan?” Marie asked.

“Yes but not at women!” Harry defended. “This food is really good!”

We laughed and it was everything I needed tonight. Good friends, good conversation, and chocolate. I may not remember who I used to be but maybe I could become a person I am happy with. The only other time I felt understood was when I’m with Lexa.

“So how did we all meet? At the workshop?”

“We actually met online and you convinced me to come to the workshop,” Marie answered.

“You and I met at your very first workshop and I’ve been with you ever since.”

“Aw, do you love me?” I teased.

“Not at all,” Harry smirked. “You’re just a free editor.”

“Funny,” I rolled my eyes. “Is there any interesting people that come to the workshop or is it the same people every week?”

“No, most people will come and go randomly,” Marie said.

“We have met very interesting people. We can even communicate telepathically when someone weird is there,” Harry explained.

“What is the weirdest person we met?”

“That’s a tough one,” Marie began.

“No it isn’t, remember the drug story?” Harry asked.

“I definitely don’t remember it, tell me!” I demanded.

“So this guy emails you one day that he is coming to the workshop for the first time that week and would like to submit his story,” Harry explained.

“Oh I remember him,” Marie laughed.

“We read his story and it was a fucking mess,” Harry continued. “None of us had any idea what was going on.”

“So finally you ask him what the fuck he’s talking about,” Marie said. “You get very impatient with bad writers. You really should work on that.”

“I’ve always had an issue with dumb people,” I laughed. “At least I know something hasn’t changed.”

“So he tells you that the character is high in the story and that’s why it didn’t make sense,” Marie said.

“You ask him if he has ever been high and he said no,” Harry laughed. “Then you went off on him and called him an idiot.”

“He almost cried,” Marie smiled. “Then you ask him if the whole novel is like this and he said no.”

“Was it better?” I asked.

“No,” Harry answered. “You calmed down and told him that he needs to buy some drugs, get high then rewrite the scene.”

“That sounds like a really bad idea to suggest to someone,” I defended.

“Oh it is,” Marie agreed. “But then he whispered that he has a confession and his whole novel IS written that way!”

“Why would he lie?” I asked.

“Because he was afraid of you,” Harry laughed. “Even though this man was literally double your size.”

“I am really not that scary.”

“You can be pretty brutal,” Marie smiled. “But he respected you for it. Although, he never actually came back.”

I listened to their stories and realized that I had no idea who that person was. I sounded strong and confident. I wanted to be but it was always an act. In this workshop, with those friends, I was the person I had always been hiding. I was confident and happy. I was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that period thing actually happened to me last week! I was the girlfriend and I was mortified! My girlfriend was awesome about it but it really got me thinking. Writing about periods is so taboo but so many people have been through this. I really wanted them to know that it happens, and yes, it is embarrassing in the moment but its so normal and we laughed about it the next day. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this story and letting me write my truths. I am truly enjoying this journey with you all. I appreciate all the kudos and the comments. They mean so much to me. 
> 
> Come talk to me!  
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	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a heavy chapter. I am not even sure what to tag the triggers as. Definitely homophobia and sex issues.

“Want to play a board game?” Bellamy asked.

I looked up from the book I was reading and watched him walk into the room with a few boxes. Octavia was reading on the other couch and Finn was flipping through a magazine.

“I haven’t played a game in so long!” Octavia said.

“I’m in,” I smiled.

“No way, I’m not playing. Clarke and Octavia get way too aggressive,” Finn complained.

“Good, don’t play,” Bellamy laughed.

Bellamy began setting up the board game and the bank. He has been the bank ever since I could remember. Octavia and I always cheated to win but no matter how much we teased him, he never broke the rules. I guess that hasn’t changed in the past ten years either.

It took exactly thirty-seven minutes for the board to flip. I can’t tell you with certainty who actually flipped it. Maybe it was Octavia. But we gave up and sat back on the couches to relax instead. Saturdays have always been family days. It’s the only time we could unplug and see each other throughout the hectic week. It was a time to catch up on sleep, family, food, and laughter.

“Hey guys,” my dad greeted as he came in. “You won’t believe the bullshit I just heard at the nursing home.”

“What happened?” my mother asked. His voice probably woke her up.

“Remember the principal at the kids’ old school? Richard Lanter?”

“He was an awesome guy!” Bellamy exclaimed. 

“I think he lost his mind! He actually made a speech in school regarding homosexuals. He said that we have to accept it as a society. He said there are far worse things we should be trying to fix and homosexuality isn’t one of them. Can you believe this?”

“Wow. I can’t believe he would say that. He was always such a brilliant man,” my mother agreed as she sat down next to Octavia.

“You do know it’s 2018, right? The world is becoming pretty accepting of homosexuality. It’s just religions that need to keep up,” Octavia explained.

“Exactly,” I nodded.

“God is against this! How can someone that is meant to be a leader tell us to accept something like this?” my dad yelled as he paced the living room.

“Calm down, everyone. This has nothing to do with us. No reason to argue about this,” Bellamy intervened. He was always trying to keep the peace.

“We have to be considerate. God would never tell us to hate anyone,” My mother began gently to calm down my father. “Homosexuals are very sick. I have been thinking about researching their hormone levels to try and bring some light on this situation.”

“I really don’t think you can just cure homosexuality,” Octavia laughed. “They are working on the pride parade for next weekend.”

“That’s crazy! How can society allow this?” my dad raged on.

“Yes, it’s unbelievable. You would think your god would be strong enough to fight this,” I smirked as I watched his face turn red with anger. My father has always spoiled me and gave me everything I needed. But I could never understand the way his mind worked.

“Will you truly research this?” my father asked my mother. “How can we call ourselves good people if we don’t help them?”

“Of course, I am always up for a challenge,” she answered with a reassuring smile.

“Okay, let’s find a new topic before we ruin everyone’s day,” Finn finally chimed in.

The tension floated through the air for the next hour as we all tried to move along to more mundane conversations. The weather, the soccer game, or the restaurant we will attend for dinner. The laughter came back once my children finally came upstairs from the playroom. They always did know how to make us forget we were fighting.

******

The day with my family didn’t feel as comforting as it usually did. The argument weighed on my mind the next morning and I couldn’t understand why it mattered. My parents had always taught us that homosexuality is an illness. It’s a test from God that the devil carries out. We were never taught to hate anyone. I believed that all my life. But that tension which filled my stomach was different than anything else I ever felt.

**Clarke:** Busy?

I missed Lexa. It had been a while since we caught up and maybe my confusion was centered around our friendship.

**Lexa:** I’m here.

She was there, whenever I needed her, she has yet to disappoint me.

**Clarke:** Can we get coffee?

**Lexa:** Yes, I have some work to do but I want to see you. Meet me at Penguin Café in 30 minutes and bring reading material.

**Clarke:** Demanding, are we?

I wasn’t used to this side of Lexa. Demanding and in control. I liked it.

**Lexa:** I just want to make sure you can entertain yourself and spend time with me too.

I couldn’t help but laugh at her quick excuse. That side of her lasted a whole twenty seconds.

**Clarke:** Relax. I’ll see you soon.

I found a couple of my notebooks that were filled with short stories and poems. I had no idea if any of them were true but maybe reading them could trigger some of my memories. The rain was pouring when I finally left my house. Finn took the kids to visit his mother and I was free for the next few hours. I hated the rain in the winter, but on a hot summer day, it was welcome. I walked the few blocks to the cafe and immediately inhaled the strong aroma of the roasted coffee beans when I got inside. Besides for a few pieces of art on the walls, it looked exactly the way I remembered.

“Clarke!” the barista called out.

I turned around to look at her but couldn’t remember who she was. She had beautiful light brown eyes with a touch of hazel.

“I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name,” I apologized to her.

“I heard what happened,” she replied kindly. “I’m Niylah.”

“Hi Niylah, I guess I come here often if you know my name?”

“You come in a few times a week,” she smiled.

“I love this place. My grandpa used to bring me here when I was a kid,” I explained. She leaned over and nodded for me to keep going. “He knew how much I loved books. I used to sit on that red couch for hours every Saturday and read.”

“Well actually, the couch was replaced a few years ago.”

“Really? But it looks exactly the same!”

“It is similar but I don’t think couches can last that long,” she laughed and placed a hand on my arm. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I, I am much better now,” I smiled as my eyes connected with hers.

Her cheeks were slightly pink and my feet were frozen in place. I couldn’t remember how to place an order anymore and she certainly wasn’t asking me to. The sound of the door chime behind me finally broke me out of the trance.

“Niylah, we’ll take the usual,” Lexa said from behind me.

I turned around to see a pout on her lips and a knit in her brow.

“What’s your problem? I thought you didn’t mind being wet?” I nodded to the rain pouring outside.

“I’m not wet at all right now,” she muttered quietly.

“Stop pouting then,” I smiled.

We got comfortable on the couch and I grabbed one of the blankets from the pile. My mother used to yell at me for using these public blankets. But they still smelled clean and felt brand new. Lexa sat next to me and pulled the other side of the blanket before taking out her laptop.

“Drinks are ready, ladies!” Niylah called out.

“I’ll get it,” Lexa jumped up quickly.

She grabbed the drinks and walked back toward me.

“I could have gotten them,” I laughed. “Your laptop was already out and ready to be used.”

Lexa shrugged and began working on her laptop. I pulled out one of my notebooks and started to read. My handwriting had gotten worse over the years because I couldn’t read a few of the words.

“Did I not use a laptop for my writing?” I asked.

“No,” Lexa answered. “You couldn’t sit still long enough. You used to type most of your stuff on your phone but you didn’t save your things to the cloud because you were paranoid that someone will hack it one day.”

“So everything is just gone now?”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa apologized. She looked genuinely sad that I lost my work.

“How old are these notebooks?”

“You had so many of them, some are very old but you did still use them every now and then.”

I nodded and continued reading. The poems were more about my emotions rather than concrete facts. They were useless for my memories. But one poem sent waves of emotions into my heart and made my hands slightly tremble.

“You ok?” Lexa asked.

“Listen to this poem,” I started. “I have spent a long time trying to figure out what we were. You were always an almost, even though you felt like a home. Maybe you were a lover, a best friend, a first love. Finally, I asked the universe, the stars, and a good soul to help me. What were you? Why did you consume my heart and soul for so much longer than you were welcome? And I watched, as she anchored the universe into her cards to give me the answer I needed. What were you? The answer was what I always knew and what I always feared would be true. We were two souls split apart from the same fire. It makes sense. Even though you were in my life for such a short time, even though it was such a mess. It was what I needed to guide me toward my new path on this earth.”

“It’s beautiful,” Lexa replied with a voice that was shakier than I ever heard out of her.

“What?” I asked insecurely. “Did you hate it?”

“Not at all,” Lexa explained. “I just haven’t heard that one before and you usually let me read all your stuff.”

“I wonder why I didn’t share this one with you.”

“There was a few months where we didn’t talk,” Lexa confessed.

“Really? Did we have a fight?”

“No,” she began. “It was a hard period in your life and me being gay made it difficult for you to really figure out how you feel about everything in your own life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. I know how you were raised. The point is, you came back and you are still here,” she smiled at me gently as she reached over to squeeze my hand.

“My father came home so mad yesterday because our old principle told everyone that they needed to accept homosexuality,” I confessed as I squirmed uncomfortably.

“Can I get you guys anything to eat?” Niylah interrupted. I had forgotten she was still there.

“Can we get some fries?” Lexa asked.

“Sure,” Niylah smiled then turned to me. “Anything else?”

“That’s all,” Lexa insisted. “Thanks.”

Niylah left to put in our order and Lexa turned her body fully toward me.

“You have worked so hard to change everything you were taught to believe in,” Lexa said as she intensely looked me in the eyes. “And I am so proud of you.”

My face felt hot and I knew that she had made me blush. The smirk on her face confirmed it too.

“Anyway!” I redirected the conversation. “What do you think this poem means?”

“I think it’s a poem about a person that touched your soul and helped guide you into the correct path,” Lexa explained.

“But what does two souls split from the same fire mean?”

“Maybe they were your twin flame,” Lexa whispered.

“I have been with Finn for ten years,” I laughed. “This poem is about heartbreak and loss of a loved one that yes, maybe is a twin flame.”

“So who do you think it could be about?”

“How should I know?” I laughed. “I don’t believe in psychic readings either. It was probably just fictional prose.”

“Maybe.”

“I should finish it though,” I decided. “Eventually.”

******

The weekend was finally over and I needed to catch up on all the missed hours of sleep. Most people used their days off work to relax and sleep. But as a parent, the weekend had become the most stressful time of the week for me. Even though the night was hot and humid, I still loved being cuddled by at least two blankets whenever I was in bed. I turned on the television and found a comedy to watch before falling asleep. I was scrolling through my phone when Finn came into the room.

“I thought you had some work to do?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired. It can wait until tomorrow morning,” Finn replied. “What are you watching?”

“I don’t know who he is but it’s a standup comedy show. He’s pretty good.”

I was confused when Finn moved close to my side of the bed. He usually gave me space when we watched something together. I relaxed as the show played. He was close enough for me to smell his shampoo and the mint on his lips. He let his hand rest on my thigh and I finally noticed I was holding my breath. His hand moved up and down my thigh while we watched the comedian on the screen. The tension was threatening to rip me apart. I couldn’t remember sex with him. It was obvious that I was just nervous.

“I think I’ll sleep since the show ended,” I said and turned around on my side.

He turned off the television and breathed out a sigh of relief. I wasn’t ready for this. It was a milestone I wasn’t ready for yet. My whole body stiffened as Finn’s hand reached under my shirt to rub my back.

“Relax, just rubbing your back. I know you like getting massages.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

I focused on my breathing again. In and out. In and out. Easy. Two steps. In and out. It was fine. Just a massage and it did feel nice. I was still sore even though it’s been months since the accident. I closed my eyes and relaxed as he rubbed my back lightly. I was close to sleeping when I felt his hand move lower down my back and into my panties.

“I thought you were rubbing my back?”

“I am. I just want to make you feel good,” Finn explained.

“Okay, I guess.”

I wanted to relax. Technically, that wasn’t my first time and there was no reason to be nervous. It can’t possibly hurt after three children. It might even feel good. He has been patient for the last five months. I should be sleeping with him, that’s part of marriage. Finn moved closer and pressed himself against my ass. I could feel how hard he was. The panic I pushed away was coming back again.

“That doesn’t feel like a back rub,” I attempted to joke.

“I just want to make you feel good,” Finn groaned into my back.

This wasn’t how I imagined our first time would be. Maybe I hoped for more of a hunger and more passion. A second first time. But he was right. It had been a long time. I turned around to face him. He smiled and kissed my lips. His slid his tongue into my mouth and swirled it. I tried to pull away and slow him down. Instead, he kissed down my neck while his other hand moved over my panties. He rubbed hard and his nails scratched at the sensitive skin.

“Slowly, I’m not ready yet.”

“Sorry, let me know what you need.”

He took my hand and brought it to his pants. He used it to rub his crotch while he slowly rubbed outside of my panties. The lack of lubrication caused me to moan out in discomfort.

“You feel so good,” Finn said. “But I just want to make you happy.”

He pushed me into the bed gently and took my pants and panties off. He moved lower until his face was between my thighs. His tongue licked around my clit and poked close to my entrance. It helped me relax a little bit. His hands were on my ass and he tried really hard to please me with his tongue. It was nice and I could feel myself getting a little wet. He kept going but eventually my thoughts drifted to my do to list. I needed to buy sugar, I forgot that when I passed by the store today. My guilt bought me back to the moment and I moaned a little to make him feel good about himself. I’m supposed to moan. That’s what they do in the movies.

“Does that feel good?” he smiled up at me.

“Yes,” I lied. He was trying so hard and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was not interested. White lies are merciful.

Finn moved back up to my neck and pushed his shorts off as he brought my hand back to his crotch. He moved on my hand and pulled me closer. I tried to focus on pleasing him and ignored the tension that was back in my stomach. If I got through this, next time would be better. I was just nervous. That’s all. This is normal. Finn got the lubricant and pulled on a condom as he positioned himself between my legs.

“Can I?” he asked as he rubbed some lubricant on my entrance.

I nodded and hoped it wouldn’t last long. He attempted to rub my clit but he was rubbing the wrong spot. He lifted my shirt slightly and placed himself at my entrance. He pushed in a little bit before I quickly shoved him off.

“Pretty sure that’s the wrong hole,” I tried to smile.

“Sorry,” he blushed.

He closed his eyes and thrust into me slowly. This time, I held my breath as I felt him inside of me. It burned and I was sure I wasn’t lubricated enough. He waited until I nodded before he continued moving. It wasn’t deep but it still felt like I was being ripped open. My hands turned to fists and I tried to keep them at my sides.

“I’m all the way in. You ok?”

“Yeah.”

Finn closed his eyes again and lifted himself over me a bit. I watched him focus in his mind while he was thrusting in and out. It felt like I was being stretched with a wooden branch. He was being gentle so this was obviously just because it had been a while. It can’t possibly always feel this way. I tried to distract my anxiety by thinking about other things. Like my schedule for tomorrow and that new series of astrology I’ve been meaning to paint.

“I’m close,” Finn interrupted my thoughts.

I nodded and waited for him to finish. He thrust in one final time and I felt him twitching inside of me. He rolled off and went back to his side of the bed.

“Should I keep going?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. It burns,” I replied.

“I tried to be quick,” he apologized as he rolled off of me. “What can I do?”

“It’s ok,” I reassured him. “Next time.”

“I’m going to clean up, be back in a minute.”

There were tears threatening to fall but I closed my eyes tightly instead. It wasn’t how I imagined sex would be. It couldn’t always be this way. I felt nothing but anxiousness. I waited for him to come back before I ran to the shower.

I stood under the steaming hot water and tried to organize my thoughts. Sex should not feel that way. If it did then why was it so popular? People have had affairs and destroyed lives for sex. It had to be good if it caused that much drama. But in that moment, all I felt was used. Finn tried to please me but he couldn’t. Maybe I was broken. He tried. I couldn’t exactly expect him to not finish just because I was having some issues. He did everything right as far as I knew. He was gentle, he was giving, he was patient. I was obviously broken. The tears fell before I realized they were there. I barely let myself cry but in that moment, I knew that I needed to. I sat down in the tub, hugged my knees, and let myself cry until all of the tension inside of me was released.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me! I know this was a heavy chapter and I was angry writing it. The sex scene is not edited because it was hard enough for me to write, I was unable to read it again. Hopefully there aren't too many errors. I grew up with a family that believed that homosexuality is an illness. I needed to write this scene for me, to help myself heal. 
> 
> I know there was not enough Lexa, but this sex scene was necessary in order for Clarke to truly wake up. 
> 
> The poem that Clarke read is from my collection that is available on Amazon. I am grateful for the chance to add it and discuss it here! Thank you all for reading. 
> 
> If you would like to read the rest of the collection, its available in paperback or through the kindle app: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082QZQ51P/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_w5YkEb9Q5N9MD
> 
> Come talk to me!  
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	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does discuss rape, please do not read if it will trigger you.

**Lexa:** Where you been?

It’s been a week since I last spoke to Lexa. Or to anyone really. That night with Finn was harder for me than I realized it would be. I felt guilty and broken over it. I spent the week in my mind, walking through my files and trying to figure out why I felt so, dirty. That was the real emotion that was consuming me. Dirty.

**Clarke:** Just been busy.

I couldn’t hide forever. Lexa always knew how to relax me and make everything better. But this was different. I was afraid to tell her. I don’t know what scared me about it; Lexa had never judged me or thought badly of me. She had always been kind and patient. But something about telling her made me feel sick to my stomach. And keeping it to myself made me feel even worse.

**Lexa:** What’s going on?

I had to talk to someone before my mind completely destroyed me. Or maybe she wouldn’t even notice and eventually the feelings of guilt and confusion would just disappear. That’s how I dealt with most things in my life. I never had a Lexa before. I was a pro at faking happiness. All I had to do was make sure we didn’t have too much time to talk.

**Clarke:** Let’s go to the movies tonight.

Perfect. It never happened. She won’t notice the difference; no one ever did. I’ll hide all those emotions in a locked box in my mind. I could do that.

She picked me up and I had shoved everything into a box. I was ready. The ride was quick and I got through the small talk. So far so good.

“I love the movies, Lexa. I’m so excited, why don’t you seem excited?” I asked hurriedly.

“I am very excited to watch a movie. I’m not excited to get kicked out though,” Lexa smirked.

I was confused but it didn’t stop me from nearly jumping up and down as we waited in line for tickets. I truly did love the movies. The stories and the big screen was perfect to get lost into.

“Why would we get kicked out?”

“Oh, no reason.”

It was finally our turn and Lexa bought the tickets while I rambled about which snacks we need to buy before the movie starts. I was glad that I left the house. Her presence really did make me happy and it was what I needed after that week.

“You’re going to get a sugar rush and I already told you I really want to finish the movie this time.”

“Some of us are missing a few memories, Lex. As far as I’m concerned, I have never gotten kicked out of a movie and don’t have any issues with sugar. Maybe we got kicked out because of you, what do I know?” I looked at Lexa with a barely contained smile.

“Yeah, I’m the one who got us kicked out. Poor you. You can pick one type of chocolate and we’ll get popcorn and a drink.”

“One chocolate?” I asked, completely shocked at the suggestion. “I can’t just choose one. Look at all my choices! I need at least four!”

“Fine. You can pick two. Compromise?”

“Okay, but I’m not sharing so you’ll have to get your own.”

Lexa rolled her eyes as a laugh escaped her lips. We purchased all of our snacks and made our way through the theatre. Once we settled into our seats, Lexa turned to face me. I hated when she started at me that way. It was too intense and I was not used to it.

“Are you going to talk to me now?” she asked.

“I am talking to you,” I laughed uncomfortably.

“What is wrong?”

“What makes you think that anything is wrong?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Because I know you. I know when your smile and laugh is real.”

She placed her hand on my arm and lightly rubbed it gently. The guilt at the pit of my stomach made me nauseous and I could no longer hold her stare.

“Finn and I had sex for the first time since the accident. So it was kind of like my first time.”

“Oh, really?” I noticed Lexa stiffen up and removed her hand.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, you asked what was wrong? I just assumed-”

“No, its fine,” Lexa interrupted. “How was it?”

I hesitated before answering. I could see the discomfort in Lexa’s face. Her jaw was tense and she was avoiding my eyes. Maybe she was judging me. Maybe she thought I was dirty too.

“Well?” Lexa asked again.

“It was awkward,” I finally explained.

“Awkward how?”

“It didn’t feel natural. It burned and hurt. I couldn’t get into it at all even though he really did try.”

“How did he try?”

“He gave me a massage and went down on me,” I whispered. I couldn’t decide what was worse – sex with Finn or telling Lexa about it.

“Are you sure you weren’t into it because of the accident?”

“What does the accident have to do with sex?” I asked.

“I mean, the reason it hurt you,” she explained.

“I have no idea. Science is your area, not mine. Is my body affected by my memory loss?”

“No.”

“My body wasn’t responding,” I explained. “I couldn’t relax at all. I was running all the things I needed to do today in my head. I don’t think you’re supposed to think about all those things during sex.”

“You don't have to sleep with him.”

"But I'm his wife. I do have to," I argued sadly. 

"I don't know what to say."

Lexa looked at me and I knew that she wasn’t telling me what was really on her mind. I wasn’t sure if I should question her about it. So I sunk into my chair and lifted my legs on to the railing in front of me instead. The movie was starting and Lexa stayed focused on her popcorn. I just needed to get back to my plan and pretend like everything was fine. I should have never told her.

“I really love this story. I hope the remake is good,” I said to ease the tension.

“I know, you used to read it to the kids every night before bed. You even made everyone dress up as the characters last Halloween,” she replied quietly

“Really? Who did I dress up as? I really hope I didn’t dress up as Wendy,” I asked with mock horror.

“No, you dressed up as Peter,” Lexa finally smiled.

I didn’t notice how tense I was until Lexa smiled and the stiffness left my body.

“Peter is my favorite. I want to live in Neverland and never grow up.”

“I always liked Tinkerbell. She’s loyal and caring.”

Lexa was still stiffer than I had ever seen her. It was my fault. She was not okay with this and I had no idea what to do besides for some rambling.

“You know, everyone in life could be sorted into characters from this story,” I insisted.

“I know I’m going to regret asking this but go ahead and explain this theory.”

My smile stretched along my face. I tucked my feet under me then turned to face Lexa again. It made her chuckle softly and I realized that I had missed the sound.

“Well you have five types of characters in this story. Peter is the boy who refuses to grow up. He loves adventure and stories. He’s afraid of commitment but you can’t help loving him. Then there’s Tinkerbell. She loves Peter and takes care of him no matter how difficult he gets. Tinkerbell is loyal to Peter even though he takes her for granted sometimes. Next is Wendy. Wendy’s are the people who will always choose what society demands of them rather than follow their dreams. Wendy loved Peter but she – “

“Will you shut up already? I’m trying to watch the damn movie!” someone yelled from behind me.

I turned around to find the person who interrupted me as Lexa straightened in her chair.

“I’m in of middle something here, jerk!” I yelled back at him.

“Take it outside!”

“Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Wendy. So Wendy loved Peter but she left him to go back to the real world. She will always put her duty before her dreams. The lost boys are the followers. It’s the people –“

Before I could finish my sentence, I felt something being thrown at my head. I reached up and pulled popcorn out of my hair.

“Oh no, please let it go, Clarke,” Lexa pleaded.

“What is your problem? I’m whispering asshole!”

“You aren’t whispering! We can all hear your stupid theory!”

“My theory isn’t stupid! Right, Lexa?” I pouted.

“No it’s brilliant, sit down please.”

“Stupid jerk. Anyway. He obviously belongs in category number five, the pirates. They’re just the bad and greedy people.”

“Excuse me ladies, we’re going to have to ask you to leave. We had a few complaints from some people about a disturbance.”

I was ready to argue but stopped when I felt Lexa’s hand covering my mouth.

“We’re sorry. We’ll leave,” Lexa rushed out.

I waited for Lexa to look at me then bit into her hand. She took her hand off and I couldn’t help but smirk.

“Very mature. I told you that you were going to get us kicked out.”

“Lies! This has never happened before.”

“Yeah, never. You’re usually very well behaved,” Lexa laughed as we walked out of the theatre.

We didn’t get to watch the movie and there was still so much tension between us. But getting kicked out at least made her laugh.

******

_I struggled against the heavy weight on top of me and finally opened my eyes. The body on mine was familiar but his face was buried in my neck. He smelled of sweat and cologne, the kind that itches your nostrils but you can’t decide if you hate the smell or not. He was grinding on top of me and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t push him off. I tried to scream but my voice was still lost within my throat. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to wish him away, even though in that moment, wishes felt like an innocence I no longer possessed. _

_ I opened my eyes when the weight disappeared and I saw my mother standing over me. The person next to me had no face and I couldn’t remember the familiar body._

_ “It’s okay, honey. Sometimes men just can’t control themselves,” my mother explained._

My body was soaked by the time I finally woke up. I was shivering slightly and the nerve on the left side of my temple was already throbbing. My breathing was making me lose some oxygen in my head. I reached over for my phone and texted Dr. Greenberg. I needed help.

******

“Clarke! Come on in,” Dr. Greenberg called me in.

I followed her into the room and took my usual seat on her leather couch.

“How was your week?” she asked with a smile.

“It was good! I went to the movies last night. I have always loved the movies,” I replied with forced enthusiasm.

“That’s great. What’s on your mind this week? You missed our last session.”

“Finn and I had sex the other night,” I began hesitantly.

“Okay, would you like to talk about that?”

“It wasn’t what I expected,” I replied.

“What were you expecting?” she asked as I readjusted myself in my chair.

“For as long as I can remember, I always had a high sex drive. From when I was about fifteen, I was always a sexual person.”

“Finn is the only person you have ever been with?”

“Yeah, as far as I know. My parents wanted me to wait until marriage and Finn’s family is religious too. I never even kissed him before all this.”

“Could it just be your nerves? Or do you think there is something else going on?”

“I always expected to have this incredible sex life. I enjoyed pleasing myself. But everything about sex with him felt wrong.”

“Wrong how?”

“You know when you are working on a puzzle and there are these two pieces that look like they would fit perfectly together,” I began as she nodded for me to continue. “So you try but they don’t really fit easily. If you force them hard enough, the edges will bend a little and they will fit. But it’s the wrong piece and they don’t belong together. Another piece that belongs there. You know what I mean?”

“Are you talking about your marriage or sex?”

“Sex. I’m talking about sex. What I’m trying to say is, I thought it would be good. But it just didn’t fit well.”

“Did you enjoy any of it?”

“I wanted to so badly. The massage he gave me felt nice but massages always feel nice. I was so tense.”

“What was going through your mind?”

“I kept thinking that this is what it felt like to be used. It felt so wrong and unnatural. Like he was just using me to get himself off and I didn’t even matter.”

“That isn’t an easy thing to feel,” she replied sympathetically.

“He tried to eat me out and it felt nice. But it wasn’t enough,” I explained.

“Did you try talking to him about it?” she suggested.

“No. I was embarrassed. Maybe I’m just really bad at sex and he’s doing the best he can,” I explained.

“Please don’t be hard on yourself. It was also the first time that you could remember being intimate with anyone,” she reminded me.

“I had a nightmare last night.”

“Let’s talk about that,” she suggested.

“It was both vague and so real. If that makes sense,” I stuttered.

“Yes, of course it does.”

“I just remember sleeping and there was a weight on top of me. It was a family member, but I have no idea which one it was. I just remember his presence being familiar.”

“You didn’t see a face?”

“No. I just felt a weight on me. It was a body. And he was grinding on top of me but we were both dressed. I could just feel how hard he was against me.”

“And it wasn’t Finn?”

“No. I’m sure it wasn’t.”

“Okay, continue,” she encouraged kindly.

“I was trying to move him off of me but it was like my hands wouldn’t cooperate with my mind. I was frozen in place.”

“That is a very common feeling during those types of nightmares,” she replied.

“Then my mother showed up and pushed him off of me. And she just looked at me and said, ‘sometimes men can’t control themselves.’ Then I woke up.”

“That is terrifying,” she agreed. “Are you ok now?”

“I’m confused. I don’t remember ever being raped as a child,” I explained as I fidgeted in my chair. “I can’t imagine a family member raping me in the past ten years. I was married. Who would do that?”

“Would your mom cover up for a rapist like that?”

“No, she wouldn’t do that to me. She would protect me and make sure that person was never around. But again, I can’t even imagine who would do that to me.”

“There are some exercises we can do to figure this out if it is really bothering you. But it will take a lot of concentration and it may bring up other memories that you don’t want to uncover.”

“Are there other memories that you know of?”

“We have never spoken any of this. Nothing about being raped by anyone,” she said honestly. “I don’t know what will come up.”

“I really don’t know if I am ready for that. Which sounds stupid. I want my memories back but not those memories. If something did actually happen then it’s gone now. Should I really be trying hard to dig it out?”

“It isn’t gone. Those types of traumas will never be gone whether you remember them or not. They stay deep inside of your bones,” she explained.

“Will it even matter if I do try to remember them? Won’t it just make everything worse?”

“We can work on methods that will help soothe you so that you can learn to possibly enjoy sex. We don’t need the memories in order to fix the way you are feeling.”

“Did I enjoy sex with Finn before this?”

“You did have issues with sex but we never got to the real root of the issue,” she said. “You were never ready.”

“I’m just so confused with what I am feeling,” I confessed.

“This is new territory right now and we will have to work through it together. This has nothing to do with your memory loss. It is a serious issue that we need to work on regardless of the memory loss.”

“Do you think my mind is just playing tricks on me?” I asked,

“I think our subconscious is incredibly powerful. Something could have happened that you were not comfortable telling me about before. Or it could be that your subconscious is telling you something. We need to figure that part out.”

“But Finn did not rape me. Right?”

“I have been your therapist for a very long time. You have never told me that he did.”

“That’s such a relief. Thank you.”

“We are almost out of time. Think about it. You can let me know next week if you want to do some healing into those memories,” she smiled calmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! This is the last heavy chapter. I promise. She had to tell Lexa. She had to work through this. I know that nightmare will bring on many questions. The truth is, this nightmare is something I did go through. I still have no idea what it means because I am not ready to dig into that memory. I am hoping I can figure it out and heal through Clarke. Please respect that decision right now. I am not ready for more.
> 
> For everyone that has asked me why Lexa hasn't told Clarke the truth - I will give you a glimpse into Lexa's mind and I would love to hear what you would do if you were Lexa: Clarke and Lexa were definitely having an affair, that much is already clear. But right now, Clarke is a 20 year old who was raised as a homophobe and has been planning her life with Finn since she was five. She wakes up to realize that she has the exact life she has always wanted and Lexa, she was a stranger. Yes, she is confused about her. But she has three children with Finn. He is intertwined in every part of her life and always has been. Yes, Lexa does have faith in their love. But how could she possibly tell her that she is gay and having an affair with Lexa? What if it caused Clarke to repress even more of her memory to protect the life she has planned forever? What would you do?
> 
> Is Lexa that giving? That patient? That she wouldn't explode on Clarke for sleeping with Finn? Yeah she is. Lexa wouldn't even tell Clarke that she loved her because she didn't want her to make a decision to stay and regret not being with her people. She let her go. 
> 
> So, for everyone that is asking - yes, they were definitely having an affair. That is all I will reveal right now. The last two chapters were very rough but they were necessary to make Clarke come face to face with everything she feels and who she truly is. That is where the rest of this story is heading. I know that many of you want to hear Lexa's side. Once I finish this story, I will take a vote and let everyone pick one or two chapters that they want me to write from Lexa's perspective. 
> 
> Next chapter - Clarke meets Chloe! Her lesbian friend from another country. Its a fun chapter that will hopefully make up for the last two!
> 
> Come talk to me!  
Instagram: nicolehartley22  
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	17. Chapter 17

The summer passed too quickly, the way summer always does. Zack was starting school in the morning and the anxiety was stealing all of my sleep. He was still not walking and he could only say a few words.

“Hey, can you tell me about Aden’s first day of school?” I whispered to Finn.

“Of course,” Finn smiled kindly. “Aden was really attached to you. Well he still is. He cried for an hour after you dropped him off but then he really loved being around other kids.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“No, it was pretty bad,” Finn continued. “He cried every single day until he was five. But he was just doing it for attention. His teacher would send you pictures after five minutes to show you how quickly he stopped.”

“Quite the actor then, isn’t he?” I laughed. “What about Madi?”

“Madi was easy. She was so happy to get out of the house and make friends. Especially since Zack was born and she wanted to forget he existed,” Finn laughed as he got closer to me on the couch.

“Yeah, I could see that.”

Finn rested his hand on my thigh for a moment then started moving it up and down a bit. My body always tensed under his touch and it made me wonder if that nightmare I had actually happened. He leaned forward and kissed my neck gently. I couldn’t imagine him ever hurting me that way. It must have been my fear of having sex again that caused it. I pushed him away lightly and he looked up at me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t feel well tonight,” I lied as he let out a frustrated groan. Lexa told me that I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to.

“I’m going to bed,” Finn replied as he got up to go upstairs.

I stayed downstairs while I waited for him to fall asleep. I wish I enjoyed the idea of sex with him. But even if I was turned on, his touch would immediately turn me off.

Finn was still upset with me the next day. I hated the guilt that seemed to be deep in my bones. I never meant to hurt him.

“Good morning,” I smiled to ease the tension.

“Morning,” Finn muttered back.

I decided to ignore the guilt and move on with my day instead. It was Zack’s first day of school. He would have his own personal caretaker at school but I was still nervous that he couldn’t be independent enough to be without me. The morning went smoothly; everyone was excited to go back to school.

“Mommy, can I cross the street and go to my bus stop by myself?” Aden asked as I was getting Zack dressed.

“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly.

“Mommy, I’m already in fourth grade,” he rolled his eyes. “I will be nine in two months. I can cross a street.”

“Well, okay then,” I chuckled. “But, I will watch you from the porch. Deal?”

“Fine,” he replied irritably.

Once he was on the bus, Finn helped me load Zack and Madi into the car.

“Drive safe. Will you be ok?”

“Yes,” I replied. “The school is only a few blocks away.”

Finn nodded and we finally drove away. Zack and Madi had snacks which meant they were well behaved. When I was six years old, one of my friends threw a block at my forehead. The only thing I remember was blood everywhere. It tasted rusty and thick. Next thing I remembered was waking up in a hospital. I had gotten stitches and a scar on my forehead. It took a long time for me to play with blocks after that. Then one day, my mother told me I needed to just do it or I’ll never get over the anxiety. I remember how scared I was when I picked a block up again. I gripped it so tightly but then I picked up another one. And another one. And I stacked them on top of each other. I breathed easier with every block until a tower stood before me. That’s how it feels to drive again. Every time I got in the car, I was terrified. But I just needed to build another tower.

We got to the school and Madi was as excited as I imagined she would be. She ran to the door as soon as I let her out of the car. I held Zack and when the teacher came to the door, I’m not sure who was holding on tighter. I finally let go and she promised to call if he didn’t calm down.

The house was quiet when I got back. It was the first time I was completely alone since the accident. There was so much I wanted to do with the time. I could paint, I could write, maybe catch up on a show. But as I got comfortable on the couch, I realized that the only thing I was going to do was nap. I was finally meeting Chloe tonight. She was visiting the city and asked me if I wanted to walk around with her. A nap would be a good idea before a new adventure I thought before I fell asleep.

*****

**Lexa:** How was Zack’s first day?

My phone vibrated the second I picked up Zack and Madi. I figured that Lexa was still upset with me. I hadn’t had the courage to text her after the movies.

**Clarke:** The teacher said it was good! He cried for a bit but they calmed him down and he loved music time.

I answered quickly and drove home.

**Lexa:** And how was your first day without him?

I unloaded the kids out of the car and opened the message when I got to the top of the stairs.

**Clarke:** I napped for three hours so it was pretty unproductive.

I needed to talk to Lexa. I needed to know that she didn’t hate me. I needed to know that she didn’t think I’m awful.

** Lexa:** Sometimes a nap is exactly what we need and I am glad you were able to do that.

** Clarke:** You still mad at me?

I was anxious to see her reply. I just wanted everything to be okay again.

**Lexa:** I was never mad at you.

I knew she was not happy about it. But why would she even care? I got the kids a few snacks and settled them in the living room while I got started on dinner.

**Clarke:** You didn’t seem very happy with me.

She was talking to me. Maybe I shouldn’t push her. But I was confused and the last thing I needed was more confusion.

**Lexa:** I was upset because I could tell you weren’t okay. I was angry at Finn, not you.

Why would she be angry at Finn? He should be trying to sleep with me. I’m his wife.

** Lexa:** I’m sorry.

** Clarke:** I am really confused here. Why are you apologizing and why would you be mad at Finn?

All I needed right now were answers.

**Lexa:** I was mad at him because you were obviously uncomfortable and he should have stopped.

Her response both warmed my heart and made me angry. She cared about me. But she was not telling me the truth.

**Clarke: **Okay.

There was no point in arguing when I had no idea what the truth was.

**Lexa: **Hanging out with Chloe tonight?

** Clarke:** Yes. We’re going to walk around. Want to come?

I was annoyed with Lexa. She had never kept things from me before and there was a nagging feeling that she was right now. But still, I always wanted to see her.

** Lexa:** Not tonight. Reconnect with Chloe.

I was disappointed, but I understood. She was giving me my space and allowing me the chance to reconnect with an old friend without using her as a support. I was excited. The hours passed quickly and by 8pm, I was headed to meet Chloe.

“Hey you,” I walked up to a stranger at the café. I recognized the hair and tattoos from the picture that Lexa showed me.

“Clarkey!” she exclaimed as she jumped up and threw her arms around me.

Chloe was beautiful. She had several tattoos on her arms and wavy strawberry blonde hair. She was wearing ripped black jeans and a red flannel top. I could still remember how incredible she smelled too.

“Will you tell me where we are going now?” I asked with a laugh at her excitement.

“Yes,” Chloe smiled. “We are going to recreate our first hang out.”

“What did we do?”

“Well I had no idea who you were. We met on a writer’s platform and I was hoping you wouldn’t turn out to be a murderer,” she laughed.

“I’m happy to know that I was not,” I smiled in response.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Chloe smirked. “With your driving, I would say you almost murdered me like fifteen times.”

“Oh but Chloe,” I smiled back. “Did you die?”

“Fuck you,” she laughed. “We went to the old bridge and walked across it.”

“I can’t remember ever doing that and I have lived in this city my entire life.

“Well then, let’s go. It’s beautiful and we spent six hours there on the night we met,” she explained with a smile.

We headed to the bridge and fell into an instant conversation. I could have sworn that I had known her all of my life. The bridge was incredible, a place where dreams were created. The ocean below reflected all of the lights that were shining from the city. We sat on a bench and Chloe showed me all of her tattoos. Twenty-seven of them. Each one had a meaning of survival, love, heartbreak, and happiness. And somehow, we eventually got into goals and plans and dreams that we had about a future we were so uncertain about.

“Oh there are definitely a few people I wouldn’t mind killing,” Chloe laughed in response to my theory about the world being a mess.

“How would you manage to get away with that?” I laughed.

“I have a plan, silly girl.”

“Please enlighten me on this brilliant plan of yours,” I smiled.

“You have to promise not to tell anyone,” she replied with her eyebrows raised.

“Scouts honor!”

“Were you a scout?” she asked.

“No,” I laughed. “Just fucking tell me.”

“It is a plan that would require months of preparation.” she began. “We would need some hydrofluoric acid, antifreeze, and chloroform.”

“And you plan on just walking into a store and buying all this?”

“That’s why I said months of preparation!” she defended as I laughed. “After I poison them, I would bury them with the acid and the body will eventually disappear.”

“Should I be scared?” I asked.

“No, I only want to kill bad people,” she smiled.

We continued walking and I realized just how incapable of murder this woman truly was. She was a vegan, she could not bear the thought of hurting an animal, she recycled, and she loved so hard. I finished the bar of chocolate I was eating and threw the wrapper on the ground.

“Hello!” she yelled at me. “You’re killing the planet!”

I looked at her with a barely contained smile.

“You just told me that you want to kill a quarter of the human race and now you’re yelling at me for littering?” I laughed.

“I wouldn’t murder anyone, it would be population control! The planet, however, does not deserve to die.”

She shoved me lightly with her shoulder when I kept laughing. She was definitely harmless.

“So, any women in your life?” I asked as we continued walking.

“I don’t pick very good women,” she replied.

“Lexa told me about the book you wrote, did you love the woman it was about?”

“That one was a disaster,” she smiled sadly.

“Tell me about it?”

“We were together for six months. It was not an easy relationship,” Chloe began. “She isn’t a bad person but she was a mess when we were together.”

“How so?”

“She had just realized she was gay and it was really hard for her. It was new. We would have the best days, filled with so much laughter and communication. Then the next day, she would get mad at me if I went out with my friends.”

“I get that,” I nodded.

“I did love her. We had so many good memories. But just as many bad memories too.”

“Maybe she was just greedy with you.”

“She was. But she needed to give me space too. We would fight if I wanted to go out. Also, most of the relationship was long distance.”

“Well then I definitely don’t blame her. Imagine you wake up one day and realize you were into women and everything you ever knew is now questionable. Then on top of that, the first girl you love is far away and she’s beautiful. I mean, she probably thought you were amazing and someone would steal you away,” I defended.

“But she should have trusted me,” Chloe disagreed. “She really was a complete mess. I was not doing her any good by staying.”

“Maybe she was just insecure and didn’t think she was good enough for you. She sounded like she was just afraid to lose you but didn’t know how to handle it properly.”

“I’m telling you,” Chloe insisted. “We are better off apart. It was just too hard.”

“Sounds like you were both cowards,” I replied. “I would want someone to fight for me. If I was that lost but still loved someone, I would never want them to just abandon me.”

“I did not abandon her.”

“Technically, no, you didn’t,” I agreed. “But if you loved her and didn’t fight at all, then maybe she felt like you did.”

“I’m very surprised you are defending her. You hated her when I mentioned her the first time,” Lexa laughed.

“Why did I hate her?” I asked.

“You thought she was fucking me up with all her drama.”

“Well, maybe this version of me can see that she was just broken, in love, scared, and needed you to be strong.”

“How about you just buy me that coffee you promised me?” Chloe laughed.

“What a chicken,” I smirked.

“Fuck you,” she replied with a smile.

“Want to?” I replied quickly.

“There you are,” she smiled.

“Wait,” I replied. “I have no idea why I just said that. I’m so sorry!”

“Relax,” Chloe laughed. “It was an automatic response. That’s what you always said when I told you that. It’s a joke.”

“I have never said that to anyone before,” I defended.

“You’ve said it many times to both me and Lexa,” she chuckled. “I have an idea.”

“Yes?” I asked.

“Let’s go on a road trip.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Lenore lives three hours away,” Chloe explained. “It’s time you met her again.”

“I don’t think I can drive three hours and you don’t have a car here.”

“Are you crazy? I’m not letting you drive. Lexa will drive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a few people have asked why there isn't more Lexa in this story. I guess I see it as more of Clarke's story. However, Lexa is definitely in every single chapter after this one - starting with their road trip! The rest of the story is 90% written already so I will be updating more frequently. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and being patient with me.
> 
> Come talk to me!  
Instagram: nicolehartley22  
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	18. Chapter 18

I tossed and turned all night. But not out of anxiety. I was excited and the morning could not possibly come fast enough. I had never been on a road trip before. At 3am, I gave up on sleep and let myself enjoy all the buzzing sensations that were going through me. My mother agreed to watch the kids. She thought it would be a great idea for me to get some time away.

**Clarke:** I can’t sleep.

I doubt she was awake but I just wanted someone to talk to right now.

**Lexa:** What’s wrong?

**Clarke:** Why do you always worry when I text you randomly?

It was cute the way she stressed about how I was doing.

**Lexa:** Because you got into an accident and lost your memory?

**Clarke:** What’s that have to do with anything?

I smiled as I waited for her to text me back.

**Lexa:** Why are you awake?

**Clarke:** I’m too excited to sleep!

I wonder if it would be crazy to wake up Chloe and head out now. I was already packed, what’s a few hours early?

**Lexa:** That head of yours being too loud?

**Clarke:** They are playing instruments as if they are all in a marching band lol

**Lexa:** It’s a beautiful place in there.

I don’t think I would have described my mind as a beautiful place. It was dark, loud, lonely, and sometimes, everyone in there was the enemy.

**Clarke:** I would hardly call it beautiful. It’s fucked me up on so many occasions.

**Lexa:** Is it too late to go for a drive?

**Clarke:** Never. I’m staying in PJs though.

I tiptoed out of the room quietly. I had never been so grateful for the fact that Finn was such a heavy sleeper. Not like I was doing anything wrong; I just didn’t want him to worry.

**Lexa:** I’m outside.

I sent Finn a quick text in case he woke up and quietly made my way to the car. Autumn was close and the air was a bit chilly in the middle of the night.

“Hey you,” I smiled as I got into the car.

“I’m going to regret this in the morning when I have to drive three hours with two crazy women in my car,” Lexa smirked as she turned on the car lights.

“Excuse me?” I feigned offense. “Who are you referring to?”

“Chloe and myself, of course.”

“Good girl,” I laughed and I could swear that my comment made Lexa blush slightly.

“I couldn’t sleep either,” she confessed with a smile.

“Why not?” I asked as I folded my legs under me and turned to face her.

“I’m excited to spend some time with you.”

“Aww,” I smirked. “Have you missed me lately?”

“I’m always missing you nowadays,” Lexa replied as she reached for my hand.

“I wish I remembered how close we were. I really do.”

“I can be patient,” Lexa stared at me. “Maybe this trip will trigger a few memories.”

“I am excited to meet Lenore too,” I smiled. “What is she like?”

“Well, she believes she’s a witch. She has a bunch of weapons and sex toys that she insisted on showing me the first time we met,” Lexa laughed.

“Where did I find all these people?” I laughed along. “Chloe has murder plans, Lenore is a witch. Marie seemed normal.”

“You definitely found very interesting friends,” Lexa agreed. “But they are really kind people who would do anything to protect you.”

“And Lenore is married?”

“Yes. Her husband’s name is Marcello.”

“Did I like him?”

“You actually loved him,” she explained. “He is a very good man. He loves her so much and she loves him too.”

“That’s really beautiful.”

The truth is, I don’t think I had ever seen a very healthy relationship. My grandparents were still together and in love. But my grandfather did not treat my grandmother very well. He claimed that was his way of showing love; by being possessive. My parents were in love too. But I always wondered if my mother would have chosen a different path if she got the chance to change the past. She loved him, but he never loved her as much. He loved her for what she offered, not for who she was. And my mother eventually realized that one day. I always believed that marriage was a prison we would all willingly fight to enter into one day. Not because any of us genuinely want it. But because it is a goal we are raised to dream to about. Until we get there and realize it was never what we wanted deep down. It was just the safe choice.

“You supported their marriage,” Lexa smiled, as if she could read my thoughts.

“Marriage is stupid, Lexa.”

“I know you think so,” she laughed.

“How did I get married then? I know I wanted to marry Finn all my life but how did I actually get there?”

“I wasn’t around then,” Lexa replied. “I think you just liked that he was a good man.”

“Do you want to get married?”

“I would like to spend my life with the woman I love.”

“That isn’t what I asked,” I pressed.

“I would want the legal benefits of being married,” Lexa began. “What if the woman I love gets hurt? I want to be able to be at her side with no one stopping me. What if she has kids? I want to be able to care for them if anything ever happened to her.”

“Aren’t you getting carried away?” I whispered.

“It isn’t the same when you’re gay. People try to keep you apart and sometimes you need the protection of the law.”

Lexa’s voice cracked and I wanted to make it better. I didn’t know what was hurting her at that moment but there was an ache inside of me that wanted to pull her inside of me and protect her from this world that has hurt her. I placed my hand on her cheek and she leaned into it. There was an intimacy there that I had not experienced with anyone, including Finn. And I realized that I was already jealous of the woman she would one day call her wife.

“Go get some sleep,” I said. “We have a long drive tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait,” she smiled.

I was finally able to get some sleep until the morning. Finn took the kids to school and I was ready for the road trip. Lexa finally picked me up and I could not wait to spend the next two days with her.

“I got you tea,” she said as I settled into the car.

“Well, hello to you too,” I smirked. “What has you so cranky?”

“Someone kept me up until 4:30am last night.”

“How awful of them! Didn’t they know you had to drive three hours today?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and smiled as I turned on the radio. It was clear to me that my body and mind relaxed whenever she was close. I had never had a best friend before. Even though it felt like something deeper. I drank my tea while we waited for Chloe to get into the car.

“Hello my favorite bitches!” Chloe exclaimed as she got into the car.

We laughed at her greeting as Lexa gave her a cup of coffee.

“Before you complain, its soy,” Lexa commented.

“And before we begin this trip, I’m calling my own room,” Chloe demanded. “You two can share the bed.”

“Oh really?” I asked. “And why do you get your own room?”

“I’m in this country for the next three months and I am literally sharing beds with random people,” Chloe explained. “I can get my own room for a night!”

“Okay, children,” Lexa laughed. “Chloe can have her own room and Clarke gets the front seat.”

“Deal,” I agreed. “I get car sick so that works out for me.”

The car ride was long but smooth. The medication I took for nausea made sure I was asleep through most of it. Lexa was a much better driver than I was. She kept her focus on the road no matter how hard Chloe tried to distract her with stories.

“By the way,” Chloe whispered as I was waking up. “You owe me for that one.”

“What does she owe you for?” I asked through a yawn.

“For telling me a funny joke,” Lexa replied quickly.

“I want to hear I joke!” I demanded as I stretched.

“Tell her the joke, Lexa.”

“Oh ok,” Lexa hesitated. “Why can’t you play poker in the jungle?”

“I don’t know, why?”

“Too many cheetah’s,” Lexa smirked.

“Oh my God, that joke is horrible,” I laughed.

“Really?” Chloe asked. “I’m pretty sure I heard it from you first.”

“Oh wow,” I replied. “Did I turn into a nerd?”

“Big time,” Lexa laughed.

“Oh my God!” I yelled. “Stop the car!”

“We’re on a highway!” Lexa yelled back.

“Lex,” I whined. “We are between two cities. Let’s take a picture!”

“But we just passed the exit!” Lexa replied.

“The highway is completely empty,” I insisted. “Just back it up. It’s right there!”

“She is trying to get us killed,” Chloe yelled.

“Please?” I pouted.

Lexa groaned and checked out her surroundings to make sure everything is clear. There were absolutely no cars at all. She looked at me, smirked, and did a completely illegal u-turn on a highway that was going in a single direction. It was definitely the sexiest thing I've ever seen, in a straight woman admiring her badass friend kind of way. She got off the exit and drove around to find the state line.

“That was so badass,” I smiled at her.

“Well as long as you fucking think so,” Chloe exclaimed. “It doesn't matter if we die or anything.”

“Oh stop,” Lexa defended. “This highway is completely dead.”

“I would love to drive a motorcycle on a highway like that,” I said.

“Bitch can barely drive a car,” Chloe laughed.

“Who invited you anyway?” I smirked.

“Wasn’t this my idea?” she quickly replied.

“I feel like I am traveling with two children that have an awful attention span,” Lexa complained.

“Oh! There it is,” Chloe yelled.

Lexa pulled over into an empty yard of a cabin that looked broken down and abandoned. I didn't know where we were anymore but this town looked like something out of a horror movie. There were several cabins down the road with a quiet street. The trees looked a little dead and the grass needed to get mowed down. We walked to a big wood pole that seemed to be where the invisible state line is.

“Right here,” Chloe instructed. “This is exactly the point between two states.

“We need a picture!” I demanded.

“Well, make it quick,” Lexa suggested. “This looks like a town where people get killed.”

We took a few quick pictures and jumped back into the car. Within a few minutes, Lexa got us back to the highway and we were on our way again.

“Thanks for doing this for me,” I smiled.

“Of course,” she smiled back.

“You two make me gag,” Chloe teased. “How much longer until we get there?”

“Another twenty to thirty minutes,” Lexa replied.

I repositioned myself in my seat and took one of the chocolate bars that Lexa bought for the car ride. I listened to Chloe tell us about a girl I could not remember. A girl that she believed was her soulmate. I could hear the pain and disappointment in her voice as she updated Lexa on the situation between the two of them.

“Is this the girl you were telling me about on the bridge?” I asked.

“Yes,” she answered. “I do miss her all the time but I can’t see us working this out.”

“If you love her, isn’t it worth figuring it out?” Lexa asked.

“We live across the world from each other,” Chloe explained. “Sometimes I don’t even know if what we had was real.”

“I barely have any idea what is real anymore,” I began as I looked at her. “But I know the things I feel are real even though I don’t always understand them.”

“I don’t know what I felt,” Chloe confessed.

“Did you smile every time she called?” Lexa asked.

“Every time,” Chloe smiled.

“Did you want to protect her and make her happy?” I asked.

“More than anything.”

“Well, did she turn you on?” Lexa teased.

“You already know how much she turned me on,” Chloe laughed.

“Do you wake up in middle of the night, thinking about her? Missing her?” Lexa began. “Do you wish she was close to you for just five more minutes?”

“On so many more nights than I am willing to admit,” Chloe confessed.

“You can let her go,” Lexa replied. “Let her move on and you will move on too. Some relationships are just too hard and we are not strong enough. But I have no doubt that your heart is still with her.”

“You think I can move on?”

“Of course,” I interrupted. “People find happiness with other people even though they love someone else all the time.”

“But I want to love again,” she pouted.

“You can,” Lexa said. “It just won’t be the same. It might be a safe type of love that doesn’t require so much sacrifice and unsteady ground.”

“Will it be just as passionate?”

“Probably not,” I laughed. “It might just be the artist in me but I don’t think we ever fully let go of a love that powerful. We just bury it.”

“I just want to be ok,” Chloe said.

“Then let her go and find something safer,” Lexa shrugged. “But, we are finally here.”

Lexa pulled into a long driveway that looked like the entrance of a forest. There were trees everywhere and it took a few minute before I could even see a house. Outside of the house was a woman I believed was Lenore. She was beautiful and looked nothing like a witch does in movies. She wore black jeans with a black v-neck shirt and laced up boots. She was slim and had a big smile on her face as she waved at us.

We got out of the car and she rushed over to pull me into the biggest hug I ever remembered getting. I hugged her back and she smelled like sugar and a sweet perfume.

“I was so worried about you,” she began. “It took everything in me to give you that space until Lexa told me we can hang out.”

“Why didn’t you let her come see me?” I asked Lexa.

“I was trying to shelter you from that much exposure to crazy people,” Lexa smirked.

“Very funny, Lex,” Lenore answered back.

Lenore let go of me and hugged Lexa as she thanked her for bringing me all the way here. Then pulled Chloe into a big hug and told her how much she missed her too. I had felt so out of place since I woke up but that moment was exactly what I had always wanted family to feel like. Warm, loving, accepting, and carefree.

“Marcello just got picked up the pizza and the girls can’t wait to see you all,” Lenore smiled as she led us to the front door.

This trip may be exactly what I needed to gain everything that I had lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter and cant wait for you guys to read the second part! 
> 
> Also, show of hands for everyone who thought they just "admired" beautiful women to find out later on that it was a crush! I know I certainly "admired" several women when I was in high school!
> 
> Come find me!  
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	19. Chapter 19

Lenore’s house was warm and beautiful. I had always been afraid of big homes; they were too easy to get lost in. But this house was perfect. It had one big space for the living and kitchen area then the bedrooms were toward the back.

“Hi ladies,” Marcello greeted us with a smile.

I immediately realized why I approved of him. He was a kind man. I could feel it from just his presence in front of me. There was love and happiness in their home.

“Clarke!” a little girl yelled as she ran over and gave me a hug.

She was about Aden’s age and had really cool purple hair. I hugged her back and her sister came into the room as well. Lexa told me about Lenore’s girls. I came prepared and took out the gifts that I got them.

“Hi girls,” I smiled. “Want to see the presents I got you?”

“Yes!” they both replied.

“You really didn’t have to get them anything,” Lenore said.

“I didn’t know what you would like so I got you something I love,” I continued as I ignored Lenore’s polite comments.

I took out the two figures and paint bottles that I bought for them. Lexa told me what their favorite movie was and I loved sharing my love of art with children. They took them and ran to their room to get started.

“Now Clarke,” Lenore began. “Since you don’t remember, do you want to see my sex toys again?”

“Is this normal behavior?” I whispered to Lexa.

“Yep,” she answered. “We have all seen them.”

“Show her your weapons too,” Chloe suggested.

We walked into her bedroom and Chloe got comfortable on the bed while Lexa and I took a seat on the couch. Lenore took out a box from her drawer and opened it on the bed next to us. She had several different toys that looked both sexy and complicated.

“Listen ladies,” Lenore began. “We just bought these balls and I fucking swear, they are the best thing you could do for your sex lives.”

“By the way,” Lexa interrupted. “She showed us all these the day that Chloe and I met her.”

“I’m telling you, Lex,” Lenore insisted as I laughed. “Just put these balls in your girl and go out for a walk or something.”

“Thanks so much for your help,” Lexa replied sarcastically.

“My favorite is her vibrator,” Chloe said.

“Oh yes,” Lenore said. “You were actually the one that bought this for me, Clarke.”

“I was?” I asked. “I don’t think I have ever bought anyone anything naughty.”

“Bitch, why didn’t you buy me a vibrator?” Chloe asked.

“How should I know?” I defended. “I don’t even remember buying her one!”

“Show her the weapons now,” Chloe reminded her.

“You don’t need to see the gun,” Lenore said quietly. “I’ll show you my beautiful baby.”

I waited as she took out a big box that was about five feet tall. She placed it on the bed then took out a few metal pieces and began putting them together. She finally finished and held up a beautiful bow. It was almost as big as she was but it suited her perfectly.

“Where are the arrows?” I asked.

“Oh no,” Lexa whispered. “Here we go again.”

“My asshole trainer doesn’t allow me to have any arrows,” Lenore grumbled.

“Why not?” I asked.

“He does+n’t trust her,” Chloe laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“He decided that I cannot have any arrows until he is certain that I will not shoot anyone,” Lenore explained.

“What if you want to go hunting?” I asked.

“Why the fuck would I kill a precious animal?” Lenore replied.

“Well then what’s the issue?” I asked again.

“It’s those stupid humans he wants to protect,” she confessed.

“Are you two related somehow?” I asked as I looked between Chloe and Lenore.

“No,” Chloe smiled. “But we both understand how awful humans can be.”

“Why d//o you think I bought a house in middle of the woods?” Lenore smiled.

“Is she joking?” I whispered to Lexa.

“She’s harmless,” Lexa smirked.

“Bitch, I heard that,” Lenore yelled. “Do you want to see my library now?”

“I would love to,” I laughed.

Lenore showed us the library in her basement. It was a beautiful room filled with old books, so many of which I had remembered. She had all the classics and a beautiful typewriter.

“Look at this painting,” Lenore pointed at the beautiful art on her wall. “You made that for me with my poem.”

“It’s beautiful,” I smiled.

“I know,” she agreed kindly. “Now, let’s go eat and I’ll take you to my favorite place here.”

We ate quickly and said our goodbyes to her family. The drive was only twenty minutes before we reached her favorite place in town. It was quiet and already chilly in the evening. We walked around the town that was filled with small shops and so many places to meet with psychics. I was too afraid to ever get a reading. Something like that required so much trust in both the reader and the universe. The ground was beautiful cobblestone and I enjoyed the peace in the air. It was so different than the city life I was used to. We finally stopped in front of an old cemetery.

“This is where I come to write,” Lenore explained as she led us to the entrance.

“Are we really going into a cemetery when it’s dark out?” Lexa asked.

“Quit being a chicken and get in,” Lenore laughed.

It was completely empty in the streets and even quieter in the cemetery. I didn’t scare easily. The last few months had been a total nightmare and somehow, a dark cemetery and a few shadows sent a chill up my spine.

“How about we just come back in the morning?” I suggested.

“I think we are really tired from the drive,” Chloe explained. “Why don’t we go to the apartment and relax?”

“Bunch of chickens,” Lenore laughed.

We walked back to the car and Lenore drove us to the apartment we rented. She would pick us up in the morning because she insisted we visit the cemetery during the day and promised us witches. It was a quick ride and we picked up bagels on our way.

“I got you weed,” Lenore mentioned causally.

“Did I smoke weed regularly?” I asked.

“Lenore is just a really bad influence,” Lexa smiled.

“Excuse me?” Lenore feigned offense. “Clarke was my dealer. I’m not the bad influence.”

“I was not!” I defended. “I wouldn’t even know where to get drugs from.”

“Yeah,” Lenore agreed. “This accident has truly hurt the both of us.”

“When I was younger,” I began. “My mother used to warn me about hanging out with people outside of our community. She convinced me that they would get me addicted to drugs.”

“Maybe you should tell her that you’re the bad influence,” Chloe laughed.

The air was much colder in this town. We ran into the apartment quickly and locked the doors. The cemetery was not the only creepy part about this town. It was so much quieter than any of us were used to and the night makes you hear things. Lexa grabbed a few blankets and we all got comfortable on the couches.

“Should I make you some tea?” Lexa asked when she realized how cold I still was.

“If you want to,” I smiled back.

“Don’t worry,” Lenore interrupted. “She’ll get warm in a few minutes.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen to make me a cup of tea. Lenore took a lighter out of her jacket and lit up the joint that she rolled tightly. She inhaled deeply and passed it over to Chloe.

“As much as you two pressure me, I refuse to give in,” Chloe said.

“Good,” Lenore replied. “More for us.”

I took the joint between my fingers and bought it to my lips. I did love the smell and I hated it at the same time. There were so many good memories attached to that smell. They were there, banging at the front of my mind but I could not see them. I inhaled and held on to the air that filled me before slowly exhaling. I instantly got light headed and bought it to my lips for one more hit before I passed it along. It hit much faster than the weed that Monty gave me. My body was light and tingly. It was so hard for me to relax and turn off my mind. But this incredible plant finally quieted that mess of a mind I had.

“How you feeling?” Lexa asked as she handed me the tea and sat next to me.

“Lexi,” I smiled at her. “My head feels very light.”

“Come lay down, I’ll rub it for you,” Lexa suggested as she pulled my head into her lap.

“I need to get going,” Lenore said. “I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow morning?”

“We should be ready by 11am. Clarke is very lazy before then,” Lexa explained.

“I’ll walk you out,” Chloe offered.

I relaxed as Lexa’s fingers stroked through my hair. Everything about that moment was peaceful. My mind, body, and soul were perfectly in sync for a few minutes.

“I’m going to relax upstairs and soak in the fact that I have my own bed for a night!” Chloe said as she ran up the steps.

“Can we go to bed too?” I asked.

Lexa nodded and grabbed my hand to pull me off the couch and up the stairs. I went to the bathroom to change as Lexa got the bed ready. I knew it was going to be hard for me to sleep tonight. I was never good with quiet places. I finally got into bed and turned to my side to face Lexa. 

“What are you looking at?” Lexa smiled.

“You’re pretty,” I confessed.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” she laughed.

I ran my fingers along her tattoos and I could swear she held her breathe the whole time. I inched closer to her and smiled when she got flustered.

“How high are you?” she whispered.

“My mind is spinning beautifully and every nerve in my body is tingling,” I whispered into her neck as she shivered slightly.

“Then I’m going to need you to behave so that you don’t regret anything in the morning,” Lexa explained.

I ignored her and moved even closer. I couldn’t understand why I was doing it. But the small space between us seemed so much bigger than I could handle. She smelled like coffee and I needed to inhale it as deeply as I can. Lexa rested her fingers on my waist and buried my face in her neck. Everything and nothing about that moment made sense. Maybe we both needed that intimacy for just a few hours. My mind had no idea what was happening but my body seemed to remember exactly where it belonged.

“I miss you,” I whispered into her ear.

“Will you still miss me in the morning?” Lexa asked.

“I will miss you always,” I confessed.

She kissed my neck lightly and it multiplied all the electricity that was already coursing through my nerves. I cuddled into her and closed my eyes. She breathed quietly but her breath below my ear was making me feel things I had never imagined feeling. I knew that this would end when morning came and I had never wanted the night to last forever until then. But against all my struggle, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was alone in the bed.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and looked at the time. It was already 9:30 in the morning and I had slept throughout the night. My body was sluggish and I wasn’t sure if Lexa was mad at me for last night. I just needed to cuddle. Friends cuddle all the time. There was nothing wrong with that.

“Lex?” I called out.

“Brushing my teeth,” she muttered back from the bathroom.

“I’m not getting out of bed today,” I decided.

“Yes, you are,” Lexa replied.

“You can’t make me,” I yelled back. “It’s too cold!”

Lexa came back into the room and jumped into the bed. I smiled at her until she put her freezing hands under my shirt and on my stomach.

“Fuck!” I jumped up.

“Good,” she smiled. “You’re up.”

“This is fucking abuse,” I accused.

“You are such a pain in the ass,” Lexa laughed. “Lenore will be here soon.”

“Oh, good,” Chloe said as she walked into our room. “You’re awake.”

“I’m not mentally awake yet,” I insisted.

“Get dressed and meet us downstairs in fifteen,” Lexa demanded as they both left the room.

I took my time showering and getting dressed. Last night was really foggy and all I remembered was cuddling with Lexa. It obviously helped because I slept through the night. I heard Lenore yelling my name from the steps and I finally got out of the bathroom.

“How much longer?” she whined.

“I’m coming!” I yelled back.

I rushed downstairs and Lexa handed me a cup of tea and a muffin that she bought from the store while I was in the shower.

“Blueberry?” I asked.

“Of course,” she replied with a smile.

“Eat in the car,” Chloe demanded as we grabbed our bags. “I get shotgun!”

Lexa rolled her eyes and opened the back door for me.

“Enjoy the front,” Lexa replied. “You’re sitting in the back on the way home.”

We went back to the cemetery and it was even better during the day. The air was warmer and the roads were so full of history. The stores were buzzing with life and it was a huge contrast to the night before. Lenore took us to her favorite witch supply store. There were so many different spell books and ingredients for spells. I never believed in witches or anything supernatural. But the beauty of this town made me doubt my beliefs. The day went by too quickly and I didn’t want to leave. We sat around the table at a restaurant to have dinner before we drove home.

“I hate that you can’t stay longer,” Lenore said.

“Me too,” I confessed. “Will you come visit me soon?”

“I should be able to drive over in a few weeks,” Lenore promised. “I just have to prepare Marcello before I leave.”

“Does he still miss you if you leave?” Chloe asked.

“Of course,” Lenore replied. “I hate being away from him even if it’s a few hours.”

“I didn’t realize a love like that actually existed,” Chloe replied.

“We were trying to help Chloe figure out if she’s still in love with her ex,” Lexa explained. “What do you think? How do you know you’re in love with someone?”

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” Lenore began. “If the world was ending in twelve hours and you can spend it with only one person. You can’t pick your children, siblings, or parents. Who would you spend it with?”

“I need to think about it,” Chloe stuttered.

“No, you don’t,” Lenore insisted. “First name that came into your head when I asked.”

I stayed quiet and kept my confusion to myself. The first name that came into my mind was not Finn. It was Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! It was definitely fun to write. I should be uploading about twice or three times a week from now on because I am finished writing this story! Yay! So, please check back for updates every other day. 
> 
> Come find me!  
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	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a pretty short chapter since I already updated twice this week. Enjoy! Next update will be Friday afternoon!!

“Hey,” Finn said as soon as I walked into the house.

“Hey, where is everyone?” I asked.

“Zack is napping. Aden and Madi are getting dressed. My parents called and said they are coming to say hello,” he explained.

“Oh, great. I need to shower and change.”

“How was your trip?”

“It was quiet and relaxing. Exactly what I needed,” I smiled. “How were the kids?”

“They were better than I expected them to be,” Finn laughed.

“Mommy!” Aden yelled as he ran into the room.

“Hey baby, you look so handsome in that sweater,” I replied as I fixed his hair.

“Where did you go?”

“I went to visit a good friend,” I answered. “Did you miss me?”

“Mommy! I want the blue shirt,” Madi yelled as she ran into the room.

“Well, why don’t you wear the blue shirt then?”

“She wore it last time she went to see my parents,” Finn explained.

“Who cares? She’s four and I really don’t think your parents are going to judge your daughter for wearing the same shirt twice.”

“We can’t let her have her way every time she throws a tantrum,” Finn continued.

“Picking clothing is not worth a fight. Save your energy. Besides, it will make her more independent to have some control on things that don’t matter.”

“Why can’t you ever just be on my side?” Finn asked. “Are your friends telling you to do this?”

“You’re making them fight, Madi! Just wear the other shirt!” Aden yelled.

“We aren’t fighting at all!” I smiled at Aden. “I’m going to shower before your grandparents come over. Madi, daddy will get you dressed, ok?”

I walked away and left Finn with a fight he began. My head was pounding and I needed a long nap. But I knew it would have to wait until tonight. I got into the shower and felt the hot water dig into my scalp. The pressure made my headache subside and I stood under for what felt like hours. The last twenty-four hours had been at the front of my mind and I knew there is so many things I needed to sort through. The answers felt so close. And so impossible. Because those couldn’t be the right answers. There had to be a reasonable explanation for the emotions that Lexa caused.

“How much longer do you need?” Finn called from the other side.

“Two minutes!” I yelled back.

I groaned as I turned off the hot water. Apparently a quick shower was too much to ask for in this new life I found myself in. I could hear the sounds of my in laws as I got dressed. I finished and dragged myself down the steps.

“Hi everyone, nice to see you,” I lied.

“Clarke, how are you?” Caleb asked warmly.

“It’s been seven months, I’m sure she’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to ask her every time you see her,” Violet said.

“Thanks for asking. I am doing very well,” I finally answered and sat down.

“Daddy gave me chocolate!” Madi yelled excitedly.

“He did? How come? Can I have some?” I asked.

“No, there’s no more,” she replied.

“Well then, can I have some of yours?” I teased. This side of Madi made me smile. The part that always reminded me of myself.

“Daddy said I can’t share.”

“No he didn’t say that! She’s lying!” Aden accused.

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’m just playing, I don’t want a piece.”

“You aren’t allowed to lie,” Violet interrupted.

“Thank you for trying to help. But I prefer to discuss that with her privately,” I said.

“Yeah, we’ll take care of it later, mom,” Finn promised.

Violet shook her head and I could see her struggling to stop herself from lecturing us about parenting. Everything about the situation began to feel familiar and I wondered how many times we had been here before. I doubted it was as polite as it was in that moment. I heard Zack crying and quickly jumped up to find him. I picked him up and sighed into his head when he nuzzled it into my neck. It still shocked me to feel so much comfort in something as simple as his scent. We walked back downstairs and he kept his head in my neck to shield himself from the bright lights.

“He gets so much bigger every time we see him,” Caleb smiled.

“Really? I can’t see him as anything but my baby,” I replied.

“He’s a big boy now, is he walking yet?” Caleb continued.

“He started walking last month actually,” Finn answered.

“Time for a new one then!” Violet suggested.

I hugged him tighter as my chest tightened. I could barely figure out what to do with the three I already had. A brand new baby is the last thing I thought of. I forced myself to breathe in and out a few times in order to stop my head from spinning.

“Clarke needs to heal completely before we even think about that,” Finn said.

“If you are referring to her memory then there is a chance that it will never come back,” Violet began. “You can’t let that stop you from having more children. You are both getting older, there’s no time to waste.”

“Three children is perfect. My memory has nothing to do with that decision,” I finally found my voice.

“You always said you wanted a big family. Now this accident suddenly changes that?”

“Violet, this is none of our business,” Caleb warned.

“Of course it is! We have to make sure they don’t do something they will regret in the future. What if she gets her memory back in five years and remembers she wanted a big family? She’ll be too old.”

“Thirty-five is not old at all. Thank you for your concern but I am not having another child any time soon.”

“I think it’s time for us to go,” Caleb announced.

Maybe the polite thing would have been to tell them they could stay. But the only reply I could manage was a head nod. I didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone anymore. I put Zack on the floor as Finn walked his parents out. The clock tried to convince me that they were only there for a half an hour. But I wouldn’t fall for its tricks. I was exhausted and drained. I sunk into the couch and noticed a black dot on the ceiling as I continued to breathe in and out. Hours must have passed because the house got quiet and Finn sat down on the couch next to me.

“Sit up,” he whispered as he handed me a cup of tea.

“You forgot the cream,” I replied.

“I’m sorry, I’ll get it,” Finn offered as he got off the couch.

I adjusted myself and curled my feet under me. The blanket was wrapped around me and I was still cold. My body temperature seemed to drop whenever my mind was being too loud. As if everything inside of me was focusing on the war going in my head and could not protect the rest of me.

“Thank you,” I smiled when Finn sat back down.

“I’m sorry about today,” he began.

“It’s hard to hear other people tell me what I wanted.”

“My mother has always been hard on you,” Finn admitted. “I wish I could tell you that I always saw that but I’m ashamed that I didn’t.”

“No,” I smiled again. “You were always quite the mama’s boy.”

“I do see it now, Clarke,” Finn said. “The only thing that matters to me is this family.”

That statement would have made twenty year old me so happy. But thirty year old me was confused and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it’s too late.

“Did I want a big family?”

“We didn’t want any more kids,” Finn explained. “Zack had so many complications and we both wanted nothing more than to focus completely on him.”

“But now he seems ok,” I replied. “I know he’s still delayed but he will get better every day.”

“You were really ready to have your freedom back,” Finn insisted. “I was the one that wanted more but you were probably ready to be done after we had Aden.”

“So you pressured me into having more?”

“I never meant to pressure you,” Finn defended. “We were both so young and I loved children so much. I think you knew how much I loved them and wanted to make me happy.”

“Kids are hard, Finn.”

“I know,” he laughed. “But despite what my mother believes, you have always been such an incredible mother. And I’m sorry for not telling you that more often.”

“I don’t even remember anything,” I whispered. “Wouldn’t a good mother remember by now?”

“I wasn’t very good in school,” Finn smiled. “But I don’t think a memory issue caused by an accident could ever define what an amazing mother you are.”

He pulled me into a hug and I rested my head on his chest. I had loved Finn for as long as I could remember. He was the perfect boy. And there I was, questioning this whole perfect life that I built since I was five years old. The doctors insisted that every day will get easier even without my memories. They truly believed that I would heal and be okay. I did heal physically but my mind was getting worse with every day that passed.

“I’m going to get some sleep,” Finn said as he stood up. “Are you coming?”

“I’ll be up soon,” I promised. “I just need to sort out a few things.”

I found myself in desperate need of a higher power that night. But I didn’t know what to pray for. The tears rolled down my cheeks before I noticed I was crying. I could no longer stop them. There was so much wrong with me. My mind was loud all the time and I could not hear what anyone in there was saying. I was lonely even though no one left me alone. And I had so many feelings for a stranger that could completely destroy my life. It was feelings that I did not understand. I wanted to pray that I could feel a sense of home anywhere but with her. I wanted to pray for someone out there to help me make the right decisions. I wanted to pray to God to please just fix me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me!  
Tumblr: writingcommander  
Instagram: NicoleHartley22


	21. Chapter 21

Two weeks have passed and I spent them in my own mind. I searched for answers and even for questions that I wanted to ask. Lexa has reached out but it was hard to talk to her when I was so unsure of what I felt. But tonight was her birthday party and I could not miss that.

“Finn? How much longer do you need? The party starts in twenty minutes and we haven’t even left yet.”

“Sorry, I’m ready. Are any of your friends going?” Finn asked.

“I don’t think so. Maybe friends I knew through Lexa but I wouldn’t even remember them. Have you met her brother?”

“No, you did mention him a few times though. Lincoln, right?”

“Yes. He’s planning the surprise party for Lexa. I guess we’ll both meet him tonight,” I replied.

Finn nodded and held the door open for me. I could feel the anxiousness flowing through me as we walked to the car. I played with the music while we drove to find a station I liked.

“Plug my phone in, I have a couple of great new songs,” Finn suggested.

I plugged in the phone and allowed the music to play.

“Isn’t this a great song?” Finn asked hopefully.

“It’s definitely something else that’s for sure,” I nodded politely.

I looked through the songs on Finn’s phone while letting out frustrated sighs.

“What are you looking for?”

“Just checking if any songs I like are on here.”

“You don’t like these songs? I really thought you would.”

“Oh they seem fine. I just don’t know any of them and they aren’t the type of music I listen to. Well at least I don’t think so.”

“You can just use my phone to find other songs if you want,” Finn offered.

“I don’t have any song in mind. I was just hoping I have some of my music on there,” I admitted. “Don’t worry about it. We’re almost there anyway.”

The rest of the ride went by in silence as song after song flowed through the speakers. We finally arrived to the party and I could tell that the restaurant was quiet and intimate. I rushed to the door with Finn following behind me. The lights were dimmed but there was a hockey table and several more arcade games on one side of the restaurant. I would have picked out the place too if it was up to me. As soon as I walked inside, a tall man picked me up and hugged me tightly.

“Clarke! How are you feeling? I was so worried about you.”

“Lincoln, I assume?” I asked as I looked into the same intense eyes I’ve memorized in Lexa.

“Oh! Sorry, I forgot. Yes, I’m Lincoln,” he replied before putting me back down.

“Are you sure you aren’t the one with the memory loss, Lincoln?” I teased.

“I think I might have caught what you got,” he laughed. “What do you think of the party? I had to finish up by myself because you ditched me.”

“I know, I couldn’t figure out how to get out of planning this party so I injured myself.”

“I knew it!”

I laughed as I felt Finn place a hand on my shoulder.

“Oh Lincoln, this is my husband, Finn.”

I noticed Lincoln’s smile tighten as he reached out to shake Finn’s hand without a word.

“Anyway,” Lincoln continued. “Go have fun!”

“He seems really sweet. He looks exactly like Lexa too, it’s crazy!” I rambled as we walked through the restaurant.

“Clarke! You made it! How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. But I can’t remember your name,” I said apologetically.

“I’m sorry! My name is Anya,” she smiled. “We met through Lexa a year ago. I’m one of her close friends.”

“That’s great,” I replied. “I love meeting people that I met during the last ten years. We hung out often?”

“Yeah we usually hang out at least once a week during girl’s night. Want me to introduce you to everyone else?” Anya offered with a smile.

“You know, that would be a really great idea.”

Anya led Finn and I toward a group of people.

“Okay everyone, I need you to be nice because Clarke decided we don’t give her enough attention so she damaged herself.”

“Very funny, Anya,” I laughed.

“I’m messing with you, Clarke. So that’s Raven, she’s Lexa’s co-worker. Next to her is Natalie and her girlfriend, Selena. And that’s Nyko, we found him and let him be our friend.”

“Thanks, Anya,” Nyko replied sarcastically. “I’m Lincoln’s business partner.”

“Well it’s nice to meet everyone again. This is my husband, Finn,” I said as Finn waved hello. “Where is Lexa anyway?”

“We told her 8:30 to make sure everyone is here when she arrives,” Raven answered.

“Great, I’m just going to get a drink before she gets here,” I said.

“I’ll come with you,” Finn said as he stood up and placed his hand on my back.

I ordered a drink and sat down at the bar with Finn.

“They all seem so nice, don’t they?” I began.

“They seem fine,” Finn replied. “The group is a little too gay for me though.”

“What does that even mean?” I asked harshly. “Lexa is gay. Do you have an issue with her?”

“I’m perfectly fine with them. It’s just not my type of crowd that’s all,” Finn explained. “I have nothing against them.”

I turned around and asked the bartender for another shot. I needed something to help me relax after that conversation. As soon as I drank my shot, I noticed Lexa walk through the door. Lexa smiled at me and almost missed her friends that were shouting their birthday wishes. I felt Finn sliding his hand into mine as Lexa walked toward us.

“Hey stranger,” I smiled. “Happy birthday.”

Lexa looked over at Finn then focused her eyes on me again.

“I’m glad you made it,” Lexa smiled. “Was it okay to be around everyone?”

“Yeah. I met Anya, she introduced me to everyone,” I reassured her. “I was really comfortable with them.”

“Good. Come sit at the table,” Lexa suggested. “I’m sure they would love to catch up and make some jokes about your current condition.”

“They already started,” I replied as I followed Lexa to the table.

Finn stayed close and kept his hand in mine while we walked to the table. I sat down in the chair next to Lexa and watched how at ease she seemed with her friends. It was a side of her I hadn’t gotten to see yet. Finn pulled his hand out of mine and moved it to my thigh. I looked away and focused on the conversation going on around the table.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Lexa said. “I’m going to order a few drinks from the bar.”

Lexa walked to the bar and ordered drinks. I watched her easily talk to the bartender as he mixed the drinks. Then a gorgeous brunette walked up behind her and covered her eyes. Lexa turned around and smiled as she pulled the brunette into a hug. The tension crawled in my stomach while my lungs struggled to respond. I stood up suddenly and raced out of the restaurant. I leaned against the wall and took deep breaths. Finn walked outside and stood in front of me.

“Are you ok?” Finn asked. “Do you want to go home?”

“Why are you always so insistent on taking me home, Finn?” I snapped. “Did I tell you I want to go home?”

“No, I just want you to feel better,” he explained. “I’m sorry.”

“I need you to stop treating me like I’m weak. I’m perfectly fine,” I insisted coldly. “You worrying all the time is giving me anxiety.”

I noticed Finn stiffen slightly before he turned to walk back into the restaurant. I finally relaxed and followed him inside. He was sitting on the couch in the corner and I walked straight to the bar to order another two shots. Lexa was still talking to the brunette. The alcohol burn spread through my body and I held on to the bar to steady myself. I caught Lexa’s eye and saw the concern quickly fill them. She politely nodded to the brunette before standing up and walking toward me. I turned away and drank another shot. Lexa slid into the chair next to me and I shook my head to try and clear the anger burning inside of me.

“She’s done with drinks for tonight, Gus,” Lexa demanded. “Make sure she doesn’t get anymore.”

“You can’t cut me off. You aren’t the bartender,” I argued angrily. “I’m not even drunk.”

“I’m sure you aren’t drunk but you don’t need any more drinks,” Lexa insisted. “Have you eaten dinner?”

“Why do you even care?” I shot back. “Aren’t you busy with your girlfriend?”

“Clarke, what’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on,” I lied. “I’m ready to leave.”

I started to get up but the heaviness in my body caused me to slip slightly. Lexa quickly grabbed me and sat me back down.

“That girl is just a friend, Clarke,” Lexa whispered. “It is my birthday. My friends will be present.”

“Why are you defending yourself?” I replied stubbornly. “I don’t care.”

Lexa asked the bartender for a bottle of water and held it up to my mouth.

“Drink. Now.”

I drank the water and held on to the bar. Lexa helped me stand up and walk to an empty booth in the corner of the restaurant.

“You have been off all night,” Lexa said. “Talk to me, please?”

“You hugging that girl bothered me,” I slurred. “I don’t understand. I think it bothers me that I don’t know all these people. She seemed important and it annoyed me that I didn’t know who she was.”

I relaxed my head on the back of the booth and closed my eyes to stop the room from spinning.

“She’s just a friend. She’s no one you need to remember,” she promised. “I would have told you if she was important.”

“She was being flirty and she probably even likes you,” I continued. “I don’t care. It’s none of my business.”

“I want you to care,” Lexa smiled kindly. “You’re my best friend, even if you can’t remember much about our relationship.”

I opened my eyes and looked at Lexa. I trusted her more than I had ever trusted anyone in my life.

“Finn tried to have sex with me again a few weeks ago,” I stated bluntly.

“He did? Did you sleep with him?”

“I didn’t want to, Lexi,” I slurred and laid down in the booth.

I heard Lexa call Lincoln and asked him to sit down. Then I watched her leave as I closed my eyes. My stomach was uneasy and I needed to throw up soon. Lincoln pulled my legs into his lap and spoke soothing words that I couldn’t make out. I opened my eyes when I heard Lexa yelling but I must have imagined it because Lexa and Finn were walking toward me. Finn kneeled down next to me and brushed my hair away from my face.

“I think it’s time to go,” Finn said softly. “Can you stand up?”

I groaned and closed my eyes. Lincoln put my legs on the booth and walked over to Lexa. I laughed when I noticed that they both stood the same exact way with their arms folded at their chest.

“You’re twins,” I laughed.

“I think you better go Finn,” Lincoln demanded. “We’ll take care of her tonight.”

Finn looked at me before standing and walking out of the door. Lexa lifted my head up before sitting down and putting it in her lap.

“You’re going to stay with me tonight, ok?” Lexa said while she stroked my hair.

I nodded and closed my eyes.

******

The sound of the curtain creaking made me groan and whine. I pulled the pillow over my head and tried to find sleep again. But the plan was short lived when I felt the blankets being pulled from my body. I lifted the pillow to find the source of the madness.

“Alexandria Emma Woods, you are the spawn of Satan,” I moaned.

“Oh I bet I am. Does that make you the spawn of God?” Lexa snorted as she sat on the bed.

“Who else would cause this much mayhem from the crack of dawn?”

“It’s 12pm,” Lexa replied. “Now, you need to drink.”

“Go away,” I whined while attempting to find the blankets.

Lexa laughed and pulled the pillow off of my face. I groaned and slid my feet under her thighs to keep them warm.

“Sit up, please? I really need you to take these pills and have a cup of water,” Lexa asked again. “Otherwise you’ll be complaining for the next week.”

“Fine,” I replied.

I sat up to swallow the pills and water. I tried to stand up and but the room spun a few times. Lexa was quick to hold my waist and keep me steady.

“Slowly, ok?” Lexa warned.

“I’m good, I am. Just need to wash my face or something,” I insisted. “Did I get drunk?”

“Just a little bit,” Lexa smiled.

“Oh God, did I ruin your party?”

“Not at all, the night ended pretty well I think,” Lexa smiled. “I mean I did wake up to a beautiful girl in my bed.”

“You did?” I felt the nausea that was moving through my stomach and swallowed hard.

“I did,” Lexa laughed.

“Well sorry you had to get rid of her,” I snapped.

“Relax. I was talking about you,” Lexa laughed harder and it made my cheeks turn red.

I rolled my eyes and left the room with Lexa’s laugh following me. I don’t remember ever being here but I loved the warmth in this place. The apartment was cluttered with books, clothing, and some photographs. The kitchen and living room were separated by an island counter. The living room had a gray couch, two chairs and a coffee table that was scattered with blueprints and pencils. The kitchen counter was almost covered with books and empty coffee cups. I somehow managed to find the few picture frames behind the books. There was one of Lexa and Lincoln, a few pictures of both of us with the kids, and the picture of us with Zack that Lexa used as her phone wallpaper. I could tell that Lexa loved my kids, that they were a part of her life. Maybe she was a bigger part of my life than I realized and I couldn’t deny how perfect that sounded to me anymore.

“Before you start complaining about the mess, I have had a long few days. I will clean up eventually,” Lexa promised.

“Relax, Lexa. I was not going to complain that you’re a messy hoarder,” I smirked. “Why do you have all those blueprints? I thought you were an engineer.”

“I am,” Lexa nodded. “I find solutions to broken servers.”

“Oh I understand,” I replied. “Can you fix the Wi-Fi in my house? It really sucks, that server is definitely broken.”

“Ugh. I am not a Wi-Fi technician. I am an engineer.”

“You said servers! Wi-Fi uses servers!”

“Lots of things use servers,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “I work on gas servers.”

“For cars?”

“No! For hot water!” Lexa yelled. “I’m the reason you could shower in hot water. I create and maintain gas lines all over the state. So, not a Wi-Fi technician.”

“I get it. You make sure everyone has hot water,” I smiled. “You’re like a Superhero, aren’t you?”

“You definitely convinced me I was,” Lexa smiled.

I smiled back at her and sat on the couch. It was soft, warm, and I fit into it perfectly. I pulled the blanket from the foot of the couch and snuggled into it. The end table next to me had a tank with three turtles in it.

“I used to have the same tank when I was in high school,” I began. “I bought these two fish that were a metallic blue and a metallic red color. They lasted for a full year.”

“I know, you were convinced they were married too because the colors complimented each other so well,” Lexa smiled.

“Exactly,” I replied. “I don’t remember what stories you know.”

“You can tell me anything you want. I’ll listen to them a million times,” Lexa promised. “Also, this is your tank and these are actually your turtles.”

“Why do you have them?” I asked.

“You loved them,” Lexa smiled. “I told you not to buy them but you insisted that you’ll take care of them.”

“So you’ve been watching them since the accident?”

“Yeah, right,” Lexa laughed. “I’ve been watching them since the week after you bought them.”

“Why?”

“Because you have to clean the tank every day,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “You also have to feed them twice a day. Somehow I got stuck with them.”

“Are you trying to tell me in a nice way that I forgot to take care of them?”

“Yep.”

“I’m sure I could have taken care of them,” I insisted. “I have three kids and they seem fine.”

“Kids cry, the poor turtles don’t complain,” Lexa explained. “It’s ok, you guys visit them all the time and they keep me company.”

I watched the turtles and sunk lower into the couch. I was still tired and nauseous but luckily, I didn’t throw up yet.

“Why didn’t I go home last night?”

“I figured Finn could handle the kids while you recover. You were pretty out of it,” Lexa explained. “I checked on them for you before they went to school. I promised we would pick them up.”

“You’re the best,” I smiled.

“Why’s that?”

“You just take care of me and let me be myself,” I explained. “I feel safe, I guess.”

Lexa smiled at me then went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. I found a piano in the corner of the room, right by the window. It was charcoal and large with a navy leather chair in front of it.

“You play?” I asked. “Or is that for decoration?”

“I taught myself how to play a few years ago,” Lexa replied.

“Play something.”

Lexa laughed and walked over with the sandwich. She handed it to me and sat by the piano. I took a bite of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich as I waited for Lexa to start. She ran her fingers along the white and black keys then tested one of them gently before she positioned her fingers to begin. Lexa closed her eyes and I heard the music fill the room. It was gentle at first, then the melody followed and my heart skipped a few beats. She switched between a slow and fast rhythm but kept them connected and smooth. I heard the desperation in the music, the pain, the hope, the fire. I heard everything without a single word. Lexa seemed lost in another world and I wanted to join her in that place she went to visit. But I settled for watching her body instead. Her shoulders relaxed as she poured her tension into the keys. Her eyes were closed gently and a small smile would break through her concentration when she hit a hard note. I could tell she was proud of herself in those moments. She must have stopped playing because I looked up and she was standing in front of me.

“You didn’t like the sandwich?” She asked as she looked down at the sandwich that was missing one single bite.

“Oh, no it’s great. I was just focusing on the song,” I replied. But the smirk on her face told me that she knew I was focusing on more than just the song.

“We have to get the kids soon,” Lexa said as she pulled on a shirt over her tank top. I let my eyes follow her hands and watched her button the last button on the shirt first.

“What in the world are you doing?” I laughed.

“I’m buttoning up my shirt,” Lexa rolled her eyes.

“Why are you starting from the bottom? That’s ridiculous.”

“If I start from the bottom, I won’t miss any buttons,” Lexa explained.

“You sound like Madi. She explained that to me too the other day.”

“Because I taught her that when she kept messing up her buttons,” Lexa smiled proudly.

And that was it. That was the moment that made my heart beat up against my chest and crave her hands. It was the moment that I could see my completely uncertain future being okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Lexa is finally taking control since Clarke is falling apart. Also, drunk Clarke makes me laugh lol. Hope you enjoyed it!! Next chapter should be posted by Saturday!
> 
> Come find me!  
Tumblr: writingcommander  
Instagram: NicoleHartley22


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet!! Enjoy!

I winced as soon as the light flooded the room and I quickly covered my face with the blanket. I curled up tighter in bed and breathed in and out. I felt Finn sit on the bed beside me and pull the blanket down. It was a bad week. My bones ached and my migraine has been banging inside of my mind for three days now. I went to the doctor, I was not sick. But the way my body is shutting down is proof enough that he was wrong.

“I know you aren’t feeling great today but I can’t take off work,” Finn said. “I really need to go in.”

“Call Octavia,” I complained. “Tell her to pick up the kids. I can’t move.”

“Octavia said she watched them the last two days and can’t take another day off of work. I already tried, no one is available,” Finn explained. “I’ll try to come back as soon as possible. Rest now and hopefully you’ll be okay when you have to pick them up.”

“I’ll be okay,” I reassured him.

Finn moved off of the bed and a few minutes later, I heard him leave the house.

**Clarke:** Can’t move, please help.

**Lexa:** Okay.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but my body was too drained to be able to rest. I focused on breathing instead of all the noise in my head. It was so loud in there. Everyone was screaming. I heard the door open and a few minutes later, Lexa came into the room. She closed the light, took off her shoes, and slipped into the bed beside me.

“Bad day?” Lexa asked as she propped herself up on her elbow.

“How did you get in?” I asked quietly.

“You gave me a spare key a while ago,” she answered. “Close your eyes.”

“No work?”

“Just some reports I need to finish by the end of the week. I can work on them tonight.”

I wanted to sleep but my stomach and chest were full of knots.

“I don’t know what happened, Lexa. Everything drained out of me and it’s like I’m stuck in a deep hole.”

Lexa traced down my arm lightly as she talked.

“Did something happen to cause that?” she asked in a gentle voice.

“Everyone came over a few nights ago and my mother in law just won’t give up,” I confessed. “She really wants us to have another baby.”

I turned around when I felt Lexa’s hand stop moving. 

“It was as if a switch was flipped. All of a sudden, this weakness took over my body,” I explained. “It’s been a few days and I don’t understand why I’m not better.”

“You have never let anyone tell you what to do,” Lexa insisted. “Why start now?”

“Because I can’t remember if I wanted another baby,” I admitted.

“What did Finn tell his mother when she said that?”

“He told her that we didn’t want another baby,” I replied. “He shot her down again.”

“Good,” Lexa breathed out quickly.

“I’m not doing a good job, Lexa. I have no idea what to do with Finn and the kids. I'm suffocating. I can't handle the crying and fighting all the time, I swear, it's all the time,” I rambled. “They fight over everything and Finn gets so annoyed that I can’t handle it all day long. I just want to stay in bed. I'm exhausted and I'm freezing and all I want to do is nothing. But I can't, I have no time to ever do nothing. I'm not a good parent because most of the time, I don't even want to be one.”

“You are a good parent,” Lexa argued. “You show them the fun side of life and when you need to, you do discipline them. But it's okay to feel this way. It's normal and expected for anyone to feel overwhelmed when they have no time for themselves. As a mother, you have so much pressure. But I promise you, the only people you have ever had patience for are your kids.”

“But I don't want to be here,” I insisted.

“Okay, do you want to leave them? Do you want to drive off and never come back?” Lexa asked as she sat up. “Because you have that option.”

“I don't want to leave them,” I replied with a frown.

“I know you don't. That's what matters,” Lexa said. “Feeling overwhelmed and needing space after a long few days isn't what matters. What matters is that even after bad days threaten to suffocate you, the idea of leaving is unfathomable. You are human and it's okay.”

“But I'm not a good mother,” I repeated.

“You know motherhood is put on this unachievable pedestal,” Lexa replied as she ran her fingers along my arm again. “No one can achieve the advertised version of motherhood. That smiling woman with a job, a clean house, and home cooked dinner every night doesn’t exist.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Okay, maybe she does exist,” Lexa smiled. “But she’s definitely on some sort of drug because that isn’t natural. You are doing the best that you can. Your kids are happy and healthy. They're smart and you encourage them to be themselves. They aren't abused or neglected. Why aren't you a good mother? Because you're human and feel tired?”

“I don’t have a job and I still can’t cook and clean.”

“You are the neatest person I know, you keep everything clean. Yeah, you can’t cook. But you still feed them. Who cares if its sandwiches and frozen pizza instead of a full menu? They prefer it that way anyway. You don’t feel well the last few days. But you have people around to help. Otherwise you would force yourself to function for your children, I’m sure of that.”

“I feel like a kidnapped Peter,” I replied. “I’ve been kidnapped, forced to grow up, and live in this world that I don’t belong in. I just want to go home, Lexa.”

I closed my eyes and felt Lexa sink into the bed beside me. She pulled me closer and stroked my hair until we heard my alarm go off.

“I’ll pick up the kids,” she offered. “Sleep.”

*****

I opened my eyes when I heard the sounds of laughter outside my door. I dragged myself out of bed and went downstairs. Aden and Madi were sitting at the kitchen counter while Lexa poured them drinks.

“How long have I been asleep?” I asked as I walked over and kissed the kids on their heads.

“Two hours,” Lexa answered. “Feeling any better?”

“I guess,” I replied weakly.

“Can Lexa help me with my homework?” Aden asked. “She doesn’t yell when she helps me.”

“I don’t yell because you don’t tease me the way you tease your mom, Aden,” Lexa smiled. “Your mom wouldn’t yell either if you did your homework without crying.”

“But I love it when you help me, Lexa,” Aden pouted.

“Go set up at the table and I’ll come sit with you in a few minutes,” Lexa replied.

I watched Lexa with the kids. She had dinner ready and she easily convinced them to listen to her. I sunk into the chair and laid my head down on the counter.

“You want to relax on the couch while we do homework?” Lexa asked.

“You do so well with them,” I confessed. “I don’t think I know what I’m doing, Lexa.”

“Come sit on the couch, you can relax while they finish homework.”

I curled up and watched Lexa help Aden with his homework while Zack played on the floor and Madi colored. After Aden finished, Lexa went to the kitchen to get their dinner. As she was getting the plates, Finn walked into the house.

“Daddy!” Madi yelled and jumped into his arms.

“Hey guys, what’s going on here?”

“Clarke isn’t feeling well,” Lexa explained. “I came over to help with the kids.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Finn replied. “I told her I’m going to make sure to come home early.”

“Well obviously you didn’t get home early enough,” Lexa stated sternly. “I picked up the kids and Aden already finished his homework. Clarke and I are going for a drive. I’m sure you can handle dinner time.”

“Why doesn’t Clarke just go relax in bed while I feed the kids?”

“I’m okay, some fresh air sounds good,” I reassured him. “Can I stay in my pajamas?”

Lexa nodded and I stood up to leave with her. I walked over to the kids and kissed them goodbye before leaving with the blanket still wrapped around me. We walked to the car and I curled up in the front seat.

“We’re going to get pizza,” Lexa said as she drove away.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten all day. You’re eating pizza.”

“Why are you doing this? You don’t have to be here,” I insisted. “I’m not fun to be around right now and I don’t know how to get better.”

“I want to be here,” Lexa promised. “I love the kids and I truly don’t mind helping.”

“I don’t want pizza and I really don’t need anyone. I just want to go home,” I demanded.

“We’re getting pizza. Then I’ll take you home.”

I had never seen Lexa take charge like this before. First with Finn, then with me. It was a side that made me nervous and left me a little breathless. A weird kind of nervous, like butterflies at the start of summer. I stopped arguing and looked out the window while Lexa drove. The city went by and the sky began to turn dark. The car stopped and Lexa got out. Ten minutes later, I heard the trunk close before Lexa got back into the car. I could smell the pizza but it made me nauseous. She drove without saying a word and I didn’t have enough energy to ask where we were going.

“We’re here,” Lexa whispered softly.

I opened my eyes and saw all the buildings with the train tracks in front of them. Lexa carried the pizza and I carried two blankets for us to use. We walked toward our building and Lexa climbed up the ladder with me behind her.

“Is this okay?” Lexa asked as she spread the blanket out in middle of the roof.

“It’s okay.”

“Sit, we’re going to eat then we can go home if you want.”

I nodded while Lexa placed a slice on a plate and handed it to me. We ate in silence as we looked up at the night sky. Lexa finished her food and lay down on the blanket with her hands on her stomach. I watched her breathing in and out slowly, her eyes were shining as she traced circles on her stomach. The tension in my body began fading slowly. Once I managed to finish half of my slice, I put it down and pushed the box of pizza out of the way. I lay down with my hands behind my neck and caught a glimpse of Lexa’s smile.

“Good pizza, wasn’t it?”

“It was,” I answered quietly. “You never told me. How did we find this place?”

“It was a holiday and I was feeling down because Lincoln was away in the military,” Lexa explained. “You took me for a drive and we ran out of gas a few blocks away. Everything was closed so we got out of the car and started walking. It was a nice night out and you wanted to cheer me up.”

“Then you decided we should climb up to the roof of a random building?”

“Do you honestly think I was the one who suggested that idea?” Lexa asked with a smile.

“But I’m scared of heights,” I replied curiously. “I wouldn’t have suggested going up a building.”

“When I was younger, I used to escape to the roof whenever I was sad,” she explained. “You knew that and wanted to comfort me.”

“I must have really cared about you to suggest getting on a roof.”

“You cared, just a little bit,” Lexa smiled. “But yeah, this was all your idea.”

“You could have said no if you thought it was a bad idea,” I said with a small smile.

“I have a hard time telling you no,” Lexa confessed.

“So Lincoln was in the military?” I asked “What about your parents?”

“I haven’t spoken to them in a while. It’s just Lincoln and I.”

“Why not?” I asked as I turned to look at Lexa.

“I grew up in a cult. Lincoln left and I started to ask questions about why he left,” Lexa said. “We were so close, he wouldn’t have left me.”

“Like a real cult?”

“Yep, a real cult.”

“Why did he leave?”

“I found out later that he was molested by the leader for many years,” Lexa admitted as she focused on the stars above us. “When he was old enough to leave, he did. But he came back a few months later to get me out.”

“That’s horrible,” I replied. “How old were you?”

“I was sixteen and Lincoln was eighteen.”

“Did they hurt you?”

“No.”

“Will you tell me about it?”

Lexa took a deep breath and turned away to focus on the stars again.

“It was a very religious cult. We lived in a small gated community and every few families shared a big house. We didn’t have any contact with the world,” Lexa explained. “The only movies we watched and books we read were bible related ones. We were all homeschooled together so I had to catch up when I left.”

“Were you happy?” I asked softly.

Lexa hesitated and I reached out to trace the arrow tattoo on her wrist.

“Yes. The people around me were good people. It wasn’t as lonely as it can be now. I didn’t question things so no one bothered me and I never got into any trouble.”

“Would you have left?”

“Probably not. I wanted to be good and make everyone proud,” Lexa answered before taking a deep breath. “That’s the issue with religions, questions aren’t tolerated and eventually you become your very own tyrant. That’s what upsets me the most. I was fooled.”

“Are you only mad about Lincoln or did anything else happen?”

“My parents were never around. When I turned fourteen, they taught me to start collecting money which I did in the name of God and religion,” Lexa confessed. “I found out later it was going to support the luxurious lifestyle of the leaders.”

“The leaders didn’t live with you?”

“They had rooms in the houses but were away a lot. They claimed they were out spreading the messages of God. But they were living a separate life being funded by us.”

“Why were your parents never around?”

“They were part of the inner circle and enjoying luxurious things as well. They were traveling and had a business outside of the community.”

“Why didn’t they just take you out if they weren’t even living in the cult?” I asked.

“They didn’t want children but realized after we were born. They didn’t want to take care of anyone and they didn’t have patience for us. I barely saw them.”

“Do you still believe in the religion?” I asked curiously. “I understand the cult and the leaders betrayed you but what about God?”

“I won’t ever be that stupid again,” Lexa replied. “I believe in what I can see.”

“My parents have always been very religious but I couldn’t ever bring myself to believe in it. I couldn’t accept the bible when it could just be a very well written storybook.”

“But you believe in God.”

“I choose to,” I explained. “This world is huge and confusing. I don’t want to be all alone here.”

“You aren’t alone,” Lexa whispered. “You have so many people around you.”

“Sometimes I can’t depend on anyone because my thoughts are too dark,” I explained. “I need to believe in a God that won’t judge me.”

“I studied science for too many years. I can’t believe in God.”

“Who do you pray to? Or talk to when everything is falling apart? What do you do?”

“I depend on myself. I work to figure things out,” Lexa said. “I won’t believe in a God that created those religions.”

“The God I believe in didn’t create any religion,” I defended.

“Then what are the laws?”

“I think he just wants us to be good people. We shouldn’t hurt others and we should try our best.”

“Does he punish us?”

“I really wouldn’t know but I believe that he understands,” I clarified. “He knows what he created, he knows our struggles and he wants us to do well. I’ve felt him there.”

“What about being gay?” Lexa asked. “Does your God frown upon that just like every religion does?”

“Don’t be absurd. My God doesn’t make mistakes,” I laughed. “Those religions don’t realize that by claiming homosexuality is a sin, they are choosing to call their God flawed. God isn’t flawed and love can’t be controlled. Love whoever you want. Simple body parts really don’t matter.”

“If I ever decide to believe in a God, I’ll believe in yours,” Lexa replied with a smirk.

“Did we not discuss religion before?”

“You knew about the cult and I knew you had many hesitations about your religion,” Lexa said. “We never needed to discuss much.”

“You and Lincoln did well,” I complimented her. “You didn’t let them break you.”

“Most people become weird when they hear that I grew up in a cult,” Lexa stated.

“That’s stupid. Everyone is in a cult,” I rolled my eyes. “All religions and communities are cults. The definition of the word itself is a group of people believing in the same idea. No one is completely original. Therefore, everyone is part of a cult, whether they know it or not.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” Lexa nodded. “But you don’t care if other people believe in religions.”

“People can believe in whatever they want. I don’t believe they should hurt each other or use religion to control others,” I explained. “But if they aren’t hurting anyone and it makes them happy, then great.”

“People aren’t as open minded,” Lexa said. “Religion is a tricky topic.”

“They let it be tricky, the rules you follow shouldn’t be an issue,” I smiled. “I think I’ll start my own religion, Lexa.”

“What will this religion entail?” Lexa laughed. “Who will be the leader?”

“It will be a simple religion. We all believe that the world is run through free will and your destiny is decided by choices that you make. God is there if you ever need him and he may interfere if you ask him to. Otherwise, you are in control of your own life.”

“So who is the leader?”

“There is no leader. God is there for every single person,” I said. “Jesus, Abraham, and Muhammad aren’t better than the rest of us. Why should we believe God spoke to them? God speaks to all of us. You just have to pay attention.”

“What is this religion called?”

“I feel like the best name for this religion is something like Clarkanity or Clarkism,” I replied with a smirk. “Something like that.”

“Someone is getting cocky,” Lexa teased back.

“Did you pray when I got into the accident?”

“I prayed to every God I ever heard of,” Lexa whispered. “You know, in case he exists.”

“So will you be the first member of Clarkism?” I asked.

“Maybe,” Lexa replied as she turned to her side and propped her head on her elbow.

I couldn’t help the comfort that was buzzing through me and the smile that was glued on my face.

“How do you always make me feel better?” I asked.

“You aren’t that complicated,” Lexa answered gently. “All you need is pizza and a pretty sky.”

I felt a few drops of rain on my skin and rushed to cover my face with the blanket.

“It’s just rain,” Lexa laughed. “You won’t melt.”

I attempted to uncover my face but my foot became tangled in the blanket. As I struggled to free it, I rolled on top of Lexa instead. We both froze and the rain poured down harder. I stared into Lexa’s darkening eyes and couldn’t control my lips as they pressed against hers. I kissed her slowly and allowed myself to get lost in the moment as Lexa kissed me back. Her soft lips woke every nerve in my body. I teased my tongue lightly and tasted all the coffee that Lexa must have drank today. She pulled my neck closer and I heard the sounds of thunder that weren’t there before. My mind was swimming with so many images of soaked clothing and chocolate lips. This woman has lit a fire inside me that refused to die. I felt Lexa’s hand on my cheek and pulled away. I tried to roll off and became even more tangled in the blanket. I turned around when I heard Lexa laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked irritably.

“Nothing. I’m soaking wet,” Lexa smiled. “We need to get out of here.”

My cheeks heated up and I pouted as Lexa continued to laugh. I finally managed to free myself from the death grip the blankets had on my legs and stood up. We grabbed the blankets then ran down the ladder and toward the car until Lexa suddenly stopped.

“We forgot the pizza!” Lexa yelled over the thunder that was growling through the sky.

“It’s probably soaked,” I yelled back. “You can’t eat it!”

“But we left the garbage up there,” Lexa insisted as I rolled my eyes. “We have to clean up!”

“Are you serious right now? No one will know it’s us,” I yelled. “I’ll take the fucking blame. Let’s just go!”

“But Clarke, it’s not polite,” Lexa pouted. “We ate and we left a mess up there.”

“Ok, will your conscious feel better if I drag you to the car?” I said as I pulled her away. “If I get sick, I swear it’ll be your fault, Lexi.”

We finally got into the car and I turned on the heater to warm up my body from the rain.

“It’s just rain, Clarke.”

“I’m freezing and wet and cranky,” I complained as I held my hands up to the heater.

“I love the rain,” Lexa smiled.

“Well that’s fantastic,” I rolled my eyes. “You can go save the pizza then. I’ll wait here.”

Lexa shook her head and laughed. I played with the radio as she drove through the rain and eventually turned it off to listen to the tapping of the rain instead.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered into the silence.

“For what?”

“Kissing you, it wasn’t appropriate,” I whispered. “I hope things won’t be weird.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lexa smiled. “I would have kissed me too.”

“Funny,” I rolled my eyes.

We arrived at the house and I said goodnight before running to the door. All the lights were off as I walked inside quietly. I went straight to the shower and turned on the hot water. The steam filled the room and I got into the tub. The water massaged my chilled body and warmed my bones. I kissed Lexa. Even though it was cold, nothing ever felt so natural. I knew that my feelings for her should be wrong. I’m married. I should feel like I belonged to Finn and my family. But every nerve in my body was trying to pull me out of this house and back into her arms. She isn’t mine. I stayed under the heavy stream until my fingers pruned and my legs ached. I finally turned off the water and quickly dressed to avoid the cold air.

“Hey, what are you still doing up?” I asked as I walked into my bedroom.

“I was waiting for you,” Finn smiled. “I wanted to make sure you got home safely before I went to sleep.”

“Oh you didn’t have to,” I replied as I got into bed.

“Did you have a good time? You seem better.”

“Yeah, I had fun but we got caught in the rain so it was pretty cold,” I answered anxiously. “That’s why I ran to the shower.”

“That’s the worst, I hate the rain. You do anything interesting?” Finn asked as he looked at me.

“No,” I muttered. “We just ate and talked a little. Nothing major.”

“What did you talk about?”

“What’s with all the questions tonight?” I asked as I laughed nervously. “Lexa just helped me feel better about motherhood. She helped me understand that I don’t need to be the perfect mother, trying is good enough.”

“I agree with her. I don’t know why women feel the need to do it all,” Finn smiled warmly. “I think women have their hands full with the home and the children. They shouldn’t have to work too.”

“What if they want to work?” I defended.

“Why would they want to work? It’s a man’s job to provide and protect his family,” Finn explained. “I love supporting you and the kids. It makes me happy to see you all happy.”

“I understand but what if a woman wants a career?” I pressed. “Why can’t the father take care of the kids or share the responsibility?”

“Well I think if a woman wants to work for fun, it’s her choice. I would support anything you wanted to do. But it’s so hard to have both a career and kids. Look at Lexa, she has a great career but she doesn’t have kids.”

“Lexa is still young,” I answered irritably. “She can get married and have kids.”

“Yeah she can, I’m just saying that I would support you if you wanted to work but you really don’t have to. That’s all,” Finn insisted. “I don’t understand why you are getting so upset.”

“I’m not upset, I’m just tired,” I lied. “I’m going to try to get some sleep. Goodnight.”

I turned around and closed my eyes while I waited for my mind to slow down and allow my body to finally sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I was going to post tomorrow but I will actually be away and wanted to keep my word! So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was inspired by a woman who made me love myself. I am wrapping up this story soon and would love your help! So many of you seem very worried that all your questions will not be answered in 3 chapters. So, please leave any questions you have in the comment and I will review the next 3 chapters to make sure all of them are answered!
> 
> I always take your comments very seriously so anything that has been asked in previous comments is definitely being answered. I'm sad that this story is almost over but I am so grateful that you all chose to read it.
> 
> Come find me!  
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	23. Chapter 23

“Clarke,” Dr Greenberg smiled at me. “How was your week?”

“It was okay,” I replied as I got comfortable.

“Did you do anything fun?”

“It was a quiet week,” I answered.

“How has Zack been doing in school?” she smiled.

“He started walking! He’s been so happy,” I replied as I took a stress ball from the basket on her desk. “It was hard at first but he loves being around people,”

“That’s really great.”

“I had an episode last week,” I confessed.

“What happened?”

“It just felt like a switch flipped, you know?” I explained. “I was fine then all of a sudden, I got annoyed and it was like all of my energy seeped out of my body. I was so weak.”

“What happened that made you annoyed?”

“Finn’s mother suggested we have another child. I really don’t understand why it affected me that way. I’ve known this woman all my life. I should be used to her by now. I should know better.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she said gently. “There will always be moments when we are completely tired of a certain situation, even if we have been dealing with it for as long as we can remember. You are not made of stone. Remember that.”

“I feel like I spend all of my time trying to stay composed. It takes so much energy just to be happy,” I complained. “Shouldn’t happiness feel easy and carefree?”

“For some people it does,” she admitted. “But for others, it takes work to feel that. Do you want another baby?”

“I truly can’t imagine having another baby. It isn’t even just the baby. Its making it that makes me panic too,” I began as she nodded for me to continue. “Every time Finn touches me, it’s like there’s an alarm in my mind. Remember that family I told you about? In my head? Every time he comes close, one of them rushes to the panic button. I don’t even have any time to stop them. The only thing I can do is breathe in and out until the screaming and the panic stops.”

“That alarm is actually a real thing though. It’s called the amygdale,” Dr. Greenberg explained. “That’s the part of the brain that warns us when we are in danger, our instinct in a way. You have just found a way to make it visual and physical.”

“But Finn wouldn’t hurt me,” I said as I adjusted my legs under me. “Why is my alarm going off?”

“I think only you can answer that question.”

“I’m not attracted to him sexually,” I confessed. “Could that be it?”

“Of course it is,” she agreed. “Do you feel forced to have any physical connection with him?”

“He isn’t raping me or anything,” I answered as I clenched my fists lightly. “It’s more of a mental pressure, you know?”

“Who is mentally pressuring you?” she asked as I shifted in my seat to get comfortable again.

“It feels like everyone is pressuring me without actually pressuring me. I feel like a bad wife for not wanting to sleep with him. I feel like a bad mother for not wanting another child. He works all day and it’s like this underlying assumption that he deserves sex when he wants it because he supports me.”

“I will tell you something you told me in a previous session when we talked about this exact same thing,” she smiled. “‘Women are not sex workers. Men can’t go to work then come home and claim they worked for this. Motherhood is a full time job, we have no obligation to have sex if we don’t want it.’”

“Why did I tell you that?”

“Because you stopped working to take care of the kids,” she explained. “It was a hard transition for you and you wanted to feel like you are doing something rather than being supported by someone and feeling the need to pay with sex.”

“That’s exactly how I feel now,” I agreed. “He works all day while I’m home. But I don’t want him.”

“How does that make you feel?” she asked kindly.

“Guilty,” I admitted as I looked at the clock. This session was draining me more than usual.

“There is no need to feel guilty. Think about this. You are married with kids. His job is to work and support them financially. Your job is to make sure they are taken care of at home,” she explained. “It’s a partnership. No one owns anyone anything. Both of you are just raising children together.”

“That makes perfect sense actually.”

“Is that the only reason you feel guilty?” she asked.

“I think I have feelings for Lexa,” I admitted.

“I am sure that can feel very scary,” she said.

“We just fit in so many ways,” I continued. “But I’m not gay.”

“I am not a fan of labels,” Dr. Greenberg smiled. “I find that they cause more confusion.”

“Well then how do I make sense of this?”

“I think the question is, do you want to stay married or do you want to explore those feelings?”

“I really don’t know,” I shook my head.

“Think about it and we can discuss it next time,” she smiled again. “I know it’s scary, but everything worth anything usually is.”

Dr. Greenberg was right; I had a lot of thinking to do. Maybe I wasn’t gay. Maybe Lexa was the only person in the world that made me feel anything. But I also couldn’t ignore all those memories from childhood that are beginning to make sense. Like when I was twelve and I imagined kissing the girls in my class. And maybe all those times I thought I was staring at women because I admire them were really just me being attracted to them. Maybe I am gay.

******

“Bellamy and I are going for a drive,” I told Finn as I came down the stairs. “I’m going to wait for him outside.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were going out,” he replied.

“I haven’t seen him in a while so we are going to get some ice cream,” I explained as I put on my shoes.

“Okay, I wish you would have told me earlier,” he continued.

“Did we have plans?” I asked irritably as Bellamy honked outside.

“No, I just don’t like being blindsided.”

“It happens,” I shrugged. “Things come up at the last minute sometimes, I couldn’t exactly warn you.”

“No problem. Have a great time,” he finished.

I nodded and rushed out of the house. Bellamy was about to honk again until he saw me open the door

“Hey you!” he greeted excitedly as he pulled me into a hug.

“Thank you for coming out with me,” I smiled. “I feel like I’ve been losing my mind.”

“Oh well, here I was thinking you just missed me more than you could handle.”

“Yep, I didn’t know how I could possibly get through one more night without seeing you,” I smirked. “I couldn’t bear the thought.”

“Fine, I get it. You don’t miss your favorite man in the world,” he smiled back. “Now tell me, what’s going on?”

“I need to tell you something,” I confessed quietly.

“What?”

“I don’t want you to hate me,” I whispered.

“Just spit it out!”

“I think I might be gay,” I whispered as I prepared for his anger.

“That’s it?” he laughed. “I already know that, stupid.”

“What?” I asked in shock.

“You aren’t exactly subtle when a beautiful woman walks by.”

“What in the world are you talking about?” I yelled.

“Are you telling me you don’t even notice?” he laughed harder. “You lose focus, get excited, I’ve even seen your mouth drop open if she’s really gorgeous.”

“That does not happen,” I insisted. “This isn’t a joke.”

“I’m not kidding,” Bellamy smiled. “You like women even more than I like them.”

“So you don’t hate me?” I asked as I finally looked him in the eye.

“Why would I hate you? I don’t care what body part you prefer,” he shrugged. “Besides, Lexa is a sweetheart. Better than Finn.”

“When did I mention Lexa?” I asked a little too loudly.

“All the fucking time. You hang out with her for an hour and you bring up things she said all week,” he said as he shook his head in disbelief.

I sit back in my seat while he fiddles with the radio as if this confession was the most obvious thing in the world. And maybe it was, to everyone but me.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Dad and Octavia are absolutely clueless about everything happening outside of their bubble,” he replied. “Mom probably has a feeling that she’s fighting and hoping she is wrong about.”

My lungs let out a breath that had been trapped inside of them for the past seven months. My shoulders finally dropped at the release of tension. I’m gay. I might be in love with Lexa. And Bellamy supports me. No one else will. But he does.

“Are you worried about what everything will think?”

“I may not remember anything but,” I began. “I have felt so distant from everyone in this community since I woke up.”

“It was a hard accident,” Bellamy replied. “It’s normal to feel disconnected.”

“No,” I shook my head. “It was so much more. I obviously changed a lot in the past ten years. My friends barely checked in on me and everyone is busy with their own lives.”

“It’s hard to maintain friendships after kids,” Bellamy explained.

“I don’t belong in this community anymore,” I said. “I feel so far from everyone, even our family.”

“After Zack was born,” Bellamy began. “You went into a bad depression and just pushed everyone away.”

“Why?”

“We didn’t know why,” Bellamy shrugged. “But now that you told me you are gay, it was also around the time you got closer to Lexa.”

“So I realized I was gay, got depressed, and pushed everyone away?”

“That would make a lot of sense,” he said. “You were so angry at everyone but no one had any idea why.”

“I didn’t tell anyone what the issue was?”

“Nope,” he said. “You wouldn’t even talk to mom or come over. We thought it was postpartum depression.”

“Did I ever get better?” I asked, “Zack is already two.” 

“You started going to writing classes,” Bellamy explained. “Mom hated it but I think you just needed to find yourself.”

“Writing has always been such a huge part of me.”

“Then a few months ago, you were happier than ever,” he said. “We thought you and Finn were doing well again.”

“Wait,” I remembered. “Why did you say that Lexa is better than Finn? I thought he’s like your brother.”

“I love Finn,” Bellamy began. “He’s been one of my best friends all my life.”

“But?”

“But he is too insecure and threatened by your strength,” Bellamy explained. “You need someone who can be your equal, as strong and smart as you are. Not an insecure person who needs to put you down until you are at his level.”

“He does that, doesn’t he?”

“He doesn’t do it on purpose. I doubt he even notices it,” Bellamy shrugged. “He’s just so scared of losing you. He doesn’t realize that he never truly had you even though you have been legally his for ten years.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Both of you have been holding on to this dream of a perfect romance that began at the age of five,” Bellamy said. “But you have both changed so much and I don’t think you’re on the same wave length anymore.

“But we have three kids,” I argued. “He’s a good man. Shouldn’t we try to fix it?”

“I wish I could tell you that good people will be happy together if they just put in some work,” Bellamy smiled sadly. “But that isn’t true. Your paths are so different. I can’t see you ever meeting again.”

“Why are you supporting Lexa?”

“She takes care of you,” Bellamy replied. “I’ve only met her a few times but I can see the connection between you. It’s natural and equal. You build each other up.”

“Bellamy, were Lexa and I together?”

“I have no idea if it was official. I don’t know if you figured it out before the accident,” he said as he took my hands in his. “But if you didn’t, it still would have happened eventually.”

“How could you be so sure?” I asked.

“Some people are just inevitable.”

“God, I truly think we might be.”

“You love her?” 

“I don’t know her as well as I should,” I explained. “I can’t say that I love her.”

“Love doesn’t have a timeline,” Bellamy laughed.

“Every time I’m around her, it feels like my soul is jumping up and down in excitement,” I smiled. “And I have to relax myself just so I can play it cool.”

“Oh, Clarke,” he laughed. “You are far from cool.”

“Shut up,” I laughed. “This won’t make any sense. But even when I barely knew her, my soul was pulled to her. It didn’t feel like it was just a feeling that is attached to a memory I lost. It feels so ancient.”

“Maybe that’s all you need.”

“I’m never comfortable unless she is around,” I continued. “It feels like my soul is trying to jump out of my skin. But when she’s there, it feels so calm. Like a bath almost.”

“That’s the most relaxing thing you got?” he asked. “A bath?”

“Yes because, you know how your body flows?” I explained. “That’s how I feel when she’s around. My body is calm and flows to her. Get it?”

“Are you attracted to her too?”

“It feels so weird to admit that I am,” I confessed. “She’s gorgeous. I have trouble taking my eyes off of her. And I swear, my fingers are itching to touch her sometimes.”

“Are you just horny?” he teased.

“No! I don’t even mean in a sexual way!” I argued. “I just want to feel her close by.”

“Right.”

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t mind touching her body too. Happy?”

“I knew it,” Bellamy smirked.

Bellamy drove me home and the weight of everything I just confessed hit me as soon as I walked into the house. I was truly considering the destruction of everything I have built. It was the only life I had ever known. How could I risk it for someone that may not even love me? How could I risk it for something that I wasn’t even sure about. And as much as I wanted to believe in a God that doesn’t make mistakes, how could I forget everything I had been taught? What if it was an illness? What if it was a test? What if I do get punished? But what if it was exactly what God has always meant for me? What if she was everything I ever needed?

I tossed and turned most of the night. My mind refused to shut down. It spent hours, reviewing every possible thing that could go wrong. The only thing to look forward to was Kristine. She was coming to visit tomorrow and I was excited to meet her again. My exhaustion finally beat my mind and I found a few hours of peace.

******

“Clarke!” Kristine yelled when she walked into the café.

She had a beautiful smile and intense red hair. I walked over to her and she hugged me so tightly. There was warmth radiating off of her and I had never felt so instantly connected to a friend before. I could see why I distanced myself from my old friends and found new ones. I was cared about and it was something I never felt with the people I knew all my life.

“Kristine,” I smiled. “I got you a hot chocolate.”

“Thank you!”

“I didn’t know if you liked coffee but everyone loves hot chocolate,” I laughed.

“I love both,” she smiled. “What’s the plan today?”

“Lexa told me you are a photographer,” I began. “I thought it might be nice to walk around the city and spend some time at the park.”

“Love it,” she agreed. “Let’s go!”

It was a beautiful day. There was a breeze but it was also warm enough to walk under the sun. Kristine had her camera around her neck and her presence alone was enough to put me at ease.

“How did we meet?” I asked.

“You were actually my editor,” Kristine answered. “We were both going through a hard time so we connected as friends too.”

“Was I any good?” I smiled.

“You were the best,” she laughed.

“What was I going through?”

“There were many changes in your life and you were questioning what the correct path was,” Kristine said. “You were lost spiritually.”

“I have always had a hard time with religion,” I replied. “If that’s what you are referring to.”

“Yes,” she confirmed. “Even if you don’t believe in religion, it makes you feel lost. We all need something to believe in.”

“What do you believe in?” I asked.

“I believe in the universe,” Kristine began. “The stars, planets, energy, everything around us is full of answers.”

“But how do we find the answers?”

“You just have to listen and pay attention,” she explained. “Everyone is always running around and that makes us miss so much.”

“Do you believe in God?”

“I do,” she replied as she focused her camera on one of the buildings.

“I don’t know what I believe in anymore,” I confessed.

“Believe in humans,” she began. “Believe in the universe and what you see.”

“I hate humans!”

“I know,” she laughed. “But pay attention. The answers are all right there.”

“How did you help me last time?” I asked as we sat on one of the park benches.

“I read your cards.”

“But I don’t believe in card readings,” I argued.

“You were afraid of them,” she explained. “We connected on a very spiritual level for months before I did a reading.”

“What made me trust you?”

“I think you realized that I could see your soul,” Kristine said. “I saw your heart and your mind. You let me in and I could see it all.”

“What did my cards tell us?”

“You wanted to know who your twin flame was,” she replied as she looked me in the eye. “You wanted to know if it was worth fighting for.”

“Who is my twin flame?” I asked the question to an answer I was terrified to accept.

“You already know who it is,” Kristine smiled. “With or without your memories.”

“Is it Finn?”

Kristine laughed out loud until she saw the confusion on my face.

“I’m sorry,” she calmed down. “I honestly thought you were joking.”

“Ugh,” I groaned. “It’s Lexa.”

“Since the beginning of your creation!”

“Do you believe that twin flames have to be together in every lifetime?” I asked.

“I think we don’t end up with our twin flame unless we are truly lucky,” Kristine began. “Our twins are the other half of us. They are so much bigger than just one lifetime.”

“But what’s the point of anything if you can’t be with the other half of you?”

“We all have a purpose in this life,” she explained. “It isn’t just about finding love. A twin flame is meant to help guide us at the most desperate time in our lives. When we are lost and confused. That’s why it doesn’t usually work out to be with them.”

“So what happens if you don’t end up together?”

“Then you just meet again after this life is over,” she smiled. “But, you will always feel a pull to them. Even if you move on and even if you are incredibly happy with someone else.”

“How can you be happy when you are pulled to someone else?”

“Because you might find someone that is safer,” she said. “Twin flame relationships are hard and painful. They are meant to bring out the darkness inside of you and heal it so you could continue on with your destiny.”

“Safe sounds really boring.”

“I know you think so,” she laughed. “Sometimes we find happiness with safe people and just miss our twins deep down. We learn to ignore it eventually.”

“Were Lexa and I together?” I asked.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some answers!!! Here are a few notes about this chapter. 
> 
> 1\. That was my brothers real response when I came out to him. He called me stupid!
> 
> 2\. Kristine is real and she was someone that has been my guide and my closest friend for a few years. She does readings sometimes and shes so accurate about it. Her presence is beyond incredible, every time she is close by, my whole body feels at peace. I even asked her once if she puts some sort of calming spell on me whenever shes visiting 😂😂. She did tell me who my twin flame was and I believed her because her reading showed some things from my past that I had never mentioned to anyone. 
> 
> 3\. This chapter is important to me because I have struggled with my beliefs for so long and now, I just believe in the universe. The world holds so much power and I can see so many answers now that I am trying to pay attention. I did grow up as a religious Jew. But I never could believe in it. I respect all religions, we all need to believe in something as humans and religion is convenient because it comes with a set of rules. Believing in the universe is so much harder because you need to have a lot of connection to yourself. I definitely believe in God because this world is way too big to be running on its own. There has to be something bigger out there. At least that's what I want to believe. This topic is obviously a passion of mine haha.
> 
> Thank you all for reading!! Two more chapters! I will be posting both chapters on Tuesday night.
> 
> Come find me!  
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	24. Chapter 24

I couldn’t tell whether I was angry or happy to learn that Lexa was mine. I was angry. She abandoned me when I needed her most. She left me in a place that I never belonged. But I knew that she didn’t. She stayed even though it was probably killing her to watch me. She took care of me from behind the scenes. She trusted me to find my way back. But she should have told me. She should have fought for me. Even though maybe she was. Maybe she was trying to protect me. Maybe this was her act of love. I finally got to her apartment and started banging on the door.

“Clarke,” Lexa said in shock. “What’s wrong?”

“Why would you lie to me?”

“Did the memories come back?” Lexa asked.

“Answer me,” I insisted harshly.

“I was afraid,” Lexa confessed. “I tried to do what I thought would be best for you.”

“But I deserved to know that I was in a relationship with someone else,” I replied.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered. “I was so lost. I wanted to be honest.”

“Do you realize how confused I’ve been since the second I woke up?”

“I know,” Lexa replied softly as she reached out to hold my hand. “I wanted to tell you so many times.”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked as I moved in closer.

“I was dealing with a twenty year old Clarke,” Lexa explained. “It was the Clarke that dreamed of marrying Finn her whole life. How can I tell you that you were with me and not him? What if you repressed yourself even more out of shock?”

“But what if you lost me anyway?” I asked. “What if I decided I was happy with Finn?”

“I was afraid of that too,” Lexa confessed. “But at least then I could stay around as your friend.”

“You would have stayed as my friend if I told you I am happy in my marriage?”

“If that’s what I had to do then yes,” Lexa said. “But I believed in our love so much. I knew you would figure it out.”

“That’s cocky of you,” I smirked as I reached up to stroke her cheek.

“When did you get your memories back?”

“I didn’t,” I admitted. “Kristine told me the truth.”

“I knew she would be the one to break,” Lexa smiled and pulled me to the couch.

“Did everyone know?”

“None of your old friends knew,” Lexa said. “I told Lenore, Marie, and Chloe to keep it to themselves until I could figure it out.”

“I’m surprised they agreed.”

“They knew it could really hurt us if you found out before you were ready,” she explained. “Everyone just wants you to be okay.”

“How long were we together?”

“We met right after Zack was born and it was slow at first,” Lexa explained. “We decided to try and explore things a few months before the accident.”

“Was I still married?”

“Yes,” Lexa replied. “It was hard for you because you had your kids and didn’t understand what we were.”

“So I was just in a relationship with you both?” I asked.

“You and Finn started to fall apart after Madi was born,” Lexa said as she slid her fingers into mine. “You were just so different.”

“But we had Zack too.”

“You thought it was just a rough patch that you would get through eventually,” Lexa said. “But when you were pregnant, it became very clear that neither of you wanted to be there anymore.”

“So why did we both stay?”

“Because you had three young kids,” Lexa explained. “Finn isn’t the type of guy that walks away. He truly believed that you had to make the marriage work because you both committed.”

“Did he know about us?”

“You told him the day of the accident,” Lexa whispered sadly. “You called to tell me that you ended it and you were coming over.”

“Don’t you dare tell me this isn't right,” I warned as I saw the guilt in her eyes.

“Your religion doesn't believe in us,” Lexa confessed. “This was obviously a sign.”

I could see the confusion and concern in Lexa's eyes. I pulled her close and wrapped my hand around the back of her neck.

“God took all my memories and showed me how easily my heart will lead me back to you. I don’t need them to remember loving you,” I promised. “Now tell me again that God doesn’t accept this.”

Lexa opened her eyes and I let myself get lost in the sea of green before feeling her lips on mine. The hunger that had been sizzling in my stomach for months was now erupting quickly. I pushed her into the couch and swallowed the whimper that escaped her mouth. I could sense the uncertainty in Lexa’s kiss. I opened my eyes and nibbled her bottom lip between my teeth. But it wasn’t enough. I had never felt a hunger that burned through every inch of my body. I was expecting fire to explode from my fingertips. I slipped my hands under Lexa’s shirt and sighed against her neck. 

“Wait, wait, can we just slow down?” Lexa pulled me back up. “I need you to be sure.”

“I am sure, Lexa! I just need things to make sense again,” I insisted. “I have looked at you, I have felt you, but right now, I just need to touch you.”

“I need you too, Clarke,” Lexa pleaded but her hand was tightly gripping my hips. “But we really do need to talk.”

“Okay,” I wanted her but I needed to respect her too. “Let’s talk.”

“Are you sure you still want this?”

“You and I are inevitable, always,” I smiled. “Losing my memories won’t come between us. The only comfort I had the past seven months was when you or the kids were next to me.”

“Your family won’t accept us,” Lexa said.

“I don’t care anymore,” I promised. “What else are you worried about?”

“The accident happened outside of my house,” Lexa whispered. “Are you sure that isn’t a sign that you should stay with Finn?”

“Maybe it was the universe testing how much I loved you,” I replied. “It gave me a chance to forget everything and find happiness in my marriage but no matter how much I tried, all I wanted was you.”

“I missed you,” Lexa admitted.

“God isn’t cruel, Lex,” I said. “He wouldn’t put you so close and tell me I couldn’t have you. But sometimes, we get tested to figure out what we truly want and need.”

“What do you need?”

“I have needed you for so much longer than I could remember,” I smiled.

Lexa pulled me off of the couch and to her room. She closed the door behind us and I pushed her against it. She tried to kiss me but I grabbed her wrists and pinned them by her head. I wanted her. But I was consumed with a need to drive her insane. I traced my tongue on Lexa’s lips lightly.

“How did you manage to keep your hands off of me all those months?” I groaned as I tugged her lip between my teeth.

“It was hard, I swear,” Lexa whimpered as her head hit the door. “I missed you.”

“I didn’t even remember anything and I still had a hard time not touching you,” I finally confessed as I pressed my thigh between her legs. Hearing her whimper against my lips made my head spin. Nothing else could possibly sound as sexy as that.

“Fuck,” Lexa hissed as she tried to grind down.

I smirked against her lips and moved my thigh away slightly. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted her. I needed to watch her fall apart more.

“How much did you miss this though?” I teased while pulling off her shirt.

“You have no idea,” Lexa moaned desperately.

The moaning, the whimpering, the grinding, it was all more than I could handle. I was terrified that I would not have a clue how to please her but I was also desperately missing something I couldn’t remember. Lexa turned us around and shoved me onto the bed. I moved backward and she followed before kissing me again. I lifted myself when she began rolling my shirt up my body.

“I’ve really missed your body,” Lexa said.

I could see the hunger on her face. It eased my fears and I was happy to notice that there was no anxiety that was threatening to suffocate me the way sex with Finn did. She needed me as much as I needed her. I kissed down her neck and the vibrations I felt on my lips when Lexa moaned my name made me bite into her hot flesh. I sucked and nibbled her neck as I was overcome with a desperation to leave my mark. She unhooked my bra and I let out a groan against her as she played with my hard nipple. I might go to hell for this but I would be living in hell without it.

I tried to focus on the moment but flashes of Lexa’s juices on my fingers consumed my mind. I slid her shirt up her skin and took off her bra. I couldn’t tease her anymore without driving myself crazy. I was mesmerized by her body. Lexa smirked and pulled my pants off of my legs. I groaned as soon as I felt her fingers teasing outside of my panties. I had never been as impatient as I was in that moment.

“I need you,” I moaned.

“Tell me what you need,” she smiled seductively.

“Your tongue on my clit,” I breathed out.

She smiled again and kissed her way down my body. She was going slowly on purpose and I squirmed under her lips. Her hands were around my breasts and nothing in the world could feel like this.

“Stop teasing,” I complained as I grinded up against her.

I had been drunk and I had been high but nothing had ever made my head spin the way it did when her tongue finally touched my clit. My hand immediately moved into her hair and I could not decide whether I wanted to grind on her lips or hold her there forever. I could feel her smile against me as she licked and sucked my clit hard. Her hands moved to my hips and she held me down as her tongue moved up and down along my pussy. She teased my entrance lightly until she heard me groan out. Her tongue slid inside of me and her thumb teased my clit. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I grinded against her face to get her tongue even deeper inside of me. My pussy was soaked and my senses were burning. I needed more. I needed her closer than humanly possible.

“Fuck me,” I moaned out as I continued to squirm.

Lexa moved her lips back up my body until they met mine. She kissed me lightly and pulled away to look at me as she gently fucked me. I gripped her back as her fingers moved in and out of me. She kissed my neck and rubbed my clit and everything was so much more than I could handle. My body was a volcano that had been boiling for months and all I needed to do was explode against her fingers. Her thumb moved to my clit and she curled her fingers into the perfect spot.

“Right there,” I screamed as I bit into her shoulder. “Don’t stop, right there.”

She didn’t stop. She kept fucking me until my body was right on the edge. And then she stopped and smiled at me.

“Why?” I whined. “I was so close!”

“I don’t want you to cum yet,” Lexa smirked. “I want you to sit on my face.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Lex?”

“Please?” Lexa asked. “It’s all I could think about for seven months.”

I smiled as Lexa kissed my lips lightly. Deep down, I knew that I was dreaming of that exact thing. She got on her back and I expected myself to be shy about sex with Lexa. But it was the most natural thing in the world. I straddled her face and lowered my pussy lightly on her lips. I was afraid to suffocate her. She grabbed my ass and pulled me even closer. My senses were on fire and the moan that escaped my lips when she moved her tongue inside of me was loud enough for the entire building to hear. I started grinding back and forth on her face, no longer afraid of my weight. I needed her in ways that I could not comprehend. Her nose was rubbing against my clit every time I moved and it was only a matter of minutes before I gripped the head rest and exploded all over her tongue.

It took a few minutes to catch my breath before I climbed off her face and relaxed beside her. Lexa moved closer to me and lightly kissed my neck as I relaxed from my orgasm.

“Good?” she smirked into my neck.

“It was alright,” I smiled back.

“Oh yeah?” she rolled her eyes. “I’ll let the neighbors that heard you cumming know that it was just alright.”

“Aw,” I laughed. “Do you need an ego boost?”

“You screaming and squirming was an incredible ego boost,” she smiled.

“I want to make you squirm just like that,” I teased as I flipped us over.

Lexa’s body was perfect. Every curve and mark was everything I could have dreamed of. I straddled her thigh and took her in. Her chest rose and fell with each breath and her nipples were already hard. I was scared that I would not make her feel as good as she made me feel. I was scared that I would not know how to fuck her the right way. But I wanted her more than I ever wanted anyone. I ran my hand up her body and caught her nipple between my fingers. I lowered my mouth to her breasts and massaged her nipples with my tongue. I needed more than this. I needed to hear her screaming in pleasure and begging for more. I unbuttoned her jeans and moved them down her tanned legs then ran my fingers up the smooth skin. The sight of Lexa in her wet panties was exhilarating and my mind was spinning all over again. She sighed as I pushed her legs apart and pulled her closer to my face. I moved her panties to the side and used my thumb to feel her wetness. Lexa arched her back and gripped the sheets beneath her. My mind was flooded with images of her screaming my name as she tightened around my fingers. That quick memory wasn’t enough. I needed to relive it over and over again.

I slipped a finger inside of her and smirked at the moan that bounced along every wall in the room. My body remembered every spot that drove those sounds out of her even if my mind couldn’t. I added another finger and curled them against her spot while I began sucking on her inner thighs.

“Please,” Lexa pleaded as she began grinding into my hand with every thrust.

I could swear that I felt her throbbing against my palm. I needed to feel it on my tongue. I lowered her panties and thrust two fingers back inside of her. I blew lightly on her clit and heard her whine. I chuckled and licked up her dripping slit. Her hands found their way into my hair and pulled lightly.

“Do I need to tie you up?” I asked.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Lexa panted.

“Let me explore.”

Lexa groaned and put her hands back on the bed. I smiled at her and pulled out my fingers. I could tell that Lexa was about to protest until I quickly replaced them with my tongue. I couldn’t get enough of her. I curled my tongue into her and tasted her arousal. I had been thinking of the way she would taste the last few weeks and I was pleasantly surprised. I was afraid that I wouldn’t enjoy this part of sex with Lexa since the moment I realized how I felt for her. But the intoxication I was feeling proved otherwise. Lexa tasted like nothing and I loved the reactions my efforts produced.

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop,” Lexa begged as I moved my tongue in and out of her.

I moved my mouth to her clit and pressed down on it to feel it throbbing against my tongue again. My fingers were soaked and I was sucking as much of her as I could. I held her shaking body with my other hand and sucked harder. It was the first time I felt a desire strong enough to completely consume me. I still needed more, it wasn’t enough. She was squirming more and I knew she was close to cumming. I wasn’t ready to stop. I pulled my fingers out of her and focused on lightly licking up her juices.

“Fucking tease,” she groaned as I smiled.

I ignored her and traced my tongue around her entrance again. I could not stop until this hunger inside of me was satisfied. But maybe this is what it felt like to be completely insatiable. It didn’t matter how much of her juices I licked, there was still more and I was proud. I fucked her again and rubbed my thumb on her clit. My tongue moved along her pussy with my fingers and I needed to feel her body exploding under my lips. Lexa tightening around my fingers and I sucked harder on her clit to finally push her over the edge.

She was shaking slightly under me and I licked lightly until she tugged on my hair. I moved up the bed to lay down beside her as I waited for her to catch her breath. This was everything I had ever imaged sex should be. It was comfortable and safe. There was fire and passion. It did not feel dirty or scary. She was mine and I had always been hers.

“I love you,” Lexa whispered as she looked at me nervously.

“I love you too,” I smiled.

“Even without the memories?”

“We made some new ones,” I reassured her. “But if I am being honest with myself, I needed you every second of every day for the last seven months.”

“I wish I told you the truth the second you woke up,” Lexa said regretfully. “I let him touch you.”

“It isn’t your fault. You were right earlier. I had no idea I was gay,” I replied and pulled her closer. “I would have pushed you away and been confused enough to let him in more. You trusted me to come back to you.”

“I didn’t think he would touch you,” Lexa defended quietly.

“It’s over now,” I stroked her face. “I’m yours again.”

******

It was hard to leave Lexa’s bed. Everything that I had been fighting for months was finally clear to me. I was in love with her. This journey seemed less about my memories and more about finding us again. Finn was a good man. He had been my best friend and my confidant my whole life. It was late when I got back home and the house was quiet.

“Hey you,” Finn smiled when I walked in the door.

“Hey,” I smiled back. “Everyone asleep?”

“Yes.”

“We need to talk,” I frowned as he let out a sigh.

“What’s going on?”

“I know you’ve been lying to me,” I said as I sat down next to him.

“You got your memories back?”

“No,” I replied. “I just forced some people to tell me the truth.”

“I’m sorry,” he replied. “I was trying to fix our family.”

“But I would have remembered eventually,” I shook my head. “What did you think would happen then?”

“I thought I would have enough time to fix everything with us, to fall in love again and do it right,” Finn replied softly. “I have always loved you. I’ve always tried to take care of you and our kids.”

“You slept with me,” I accused with disgust.

“I thought if I made you feel good, you won’t want Lexa when your memories came back,” Finn protested. “I just wanted to fix our family. You didn’t say no. I would have stopped.”

“Why would I say no if I thought we were happily married?” I asked harshly. “Did you think you can fix my sexuality with a good sex session? If anything, us having sex probably made me question things so much quicker.”

“I couldn’t just give up.”

“Do you still love me?” I asked.

“I have loved you for as long as I can remember,” Finn replied.

“Then will you tell me the truth?” I asked. “How was our marriage?”

“It was fine,” he answered. “We were always really good friends.”

“But what about sex?”

“We were both virgins, Clarke,” Finn defended. “We didn’t even hook up until our wedding night.”

“Okay, so it obviously sucked at first,” I replied. “What about after a few years? Once we had time to explore and learn?”

“It was never that good,” Finn confessed. “It began to feel like a chore for the both of us after Aden was born.”

“Did I ever realize I was gay before Zack was born?”

“No, never,” he said. “You thought something was wrong with you sexually. That’s why you started going to therapy.”

“Did you ever force me to have sex?”

“No!” Finn defended. “I would never do that to you.”

“I have been having nightmares of being raped,” I confessed.

“Those nightmares started a while ago,” he explained. “You never told me about anyone raping you. But you mentioned those nightmares.”

“Why did I agree to have sex if I hated it so much?”

“One time I asked you that,” Finn replied. “You told me that your mother told you it’s a part of marriage and it isn’t a choice.”

“What did you have to say for that?”

“I was really upset about it,” he admitted. “I didn’t want someone to sleep with me out of force. Yes, I wanted you but it wasn’t that great since you didn’t want me.”

“How did we end up with three kids if we were never really more than friends?”

“I love kids,” Finn replied. “And both our mothers kept harassing us for more. You know how this community is, Clarke.”

“Wouldn’t you want to find someone that truly loves you?”

“I don’t want to do anything to hurt my kids,” he said. “My happiness doesn’t matter. I love them so much.”

“But Finn,” I began. “You could find someone that loved and wanted you. They will still be your kids.”

“My whole life is wrapped up in you,” Finn confessed. “I’m not good at making friends or flirting with women. You are all I’ve ever known.”

“Did we still have sex after Zack was born?”

“Only twice after,” he said. “You couldn’t handle it anymore after that.”

“Don’t you want to have sex?”

“Yes,” he replied. “But I would be happy if I get to raise my children with a woman that has always been my best friend too.”

“I do love you for that,” I smiled. “But I need more than just a friend.”

“You love her that much?”

“More than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone,” I smiled sadly.

Finn pulled me into a hug and I rested my head on his shoulder. Tears rolled down my face before I noticed them. He was a good man that was scared of losing everything he built for ten years. I loved Finn. But we both deserved so much more.

“Hey,” Finn said as he wiped my tears. “We aren’t losing each other.”

“It feels like we are,” I said.

“You will never lose me,” he promised. “We have three incredible children.”

“What are we going to do?” I asked as he pulled me closer.

“I’ll find an apartment close by,” Finn replied. “And we will do whatever we can to make this transition smooth for them.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Never,” he smiled. “A part of me is relieved too.”

“Why?”

“I am not as strong as you are,” he confessed. “I would never have been strong enough to leave.”

“We deserve more, Finn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when I first wrote this scene, I had it written that Finn walks in on them mid sex. Then my best friend (Lenore in this story) read it and shes like, "Bitch, I just read 200 pages of Clarke being confused and you cant even give me a proper sex scene? I want some porn." 😂😂😂 So, you can all thank her for this 2000 word sex scene. 
> 
> This was my favorite chapter to write because I really love writing smut 😂
> 
> I truly hope this was worth the wait and you got many of your questions answered!! Last chapter will be posted tomorrow!
> 
> Come find me!  
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	25. Epilogue

**(20 Years Later)**

I finished packing most of my supplies and sat by the easel. I left a few colors and brushes out for tonight. The house was completely silent and the canvas was waiting to be used. I began tracing the picture in my mind. Two hands holding each other with rings on their fingers. Once I was satisfied with my sketch, I started painting. I loved watching the images in my mind come to life on blank canvases. I became consumed within the painting and jumped when I felt lips on my skin.

“I love watching you paint,” Lexa breathed into my neck.

“Hey you,” I replied and nuzzled Lexa’s face. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You were in another world,” Lexa smiled.

“How long have you been here?”

“About five minutes,” she answered. “I couldn’t bring myself to bother you.”

“What a creeper,” I smirked.

Lexa rolled her eyes and sat in the big chair.

“Ready for tomorrow?” Lexa asked.

“Can I still enjoy it if I don’t remember the beginning?”

“The beginnings are great but you do remember the last twenty years,” she said. “That’s so much longer than the time you don’t remember.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I smiled. “I have enough memories to enjoy the day.”

“Exactly.”

“You’re my favorite you know,” I said as I sat in her lap.

“I know,” Lexa chuckled. “Even though I get dethroned by the kids every day.”

“I can’t lie to you, they are my favorite. But you,” I paused to kiss her bottom lip. “You’re my favorite every night.”

Lexa pulled our bodies closer together and reached up to stroke my neck. She teased her tongue into my mouth and moaned lightly when I slipped my hand under her shirt.

“Let’s go to bed,” I moaned as I kissed down to her neck.

*****

I zipped up my dress and turned around to face the mirror. My hair was in waves, my blue eyes were outlined with black liner but the rest of the makeup was minimal. I felt an ache and a fear settling into my body but shook it away and walked to the door instead. I decided to busy myself with all the details before the ceremony began. The hallway was lined with white couches and small tables with a bar at the other side. This room would probably be the busiest of the day. I walked into the main hall and took a deep breath. There were chairs on either side for both families and a silver carpet running down the middle of the aisle. A monogram with both initials was displayed in the front of the room. I sat down in the front row and looked up. The room was dimmed down with a blue backlight and the drapes were streaming diagonally from the skyline. I heard the door open and turned around. Lexa was walking toward me with a smile.

“You look incredible,” Lexa asked as she took my hand. “Everything ok in here?”

“Yes,” I smiled back. “Just making sure everything was done correctly.”

“Nervous?”

“Of course not,” I lied.

Lexa sat with me and we enjoyed the silence before the crazy day ahead of us started. She traced the scale tattoo on my wrist. Our permanent bond. I rested my head on her shoulder and enjoyed the feeling of both earthquake and stillness that her touch still produced.

“That tattoo hurt like hell,” I whispered into Lexa’s shoulder.

“I didn’t make you do it,” she laughed.

“I wanted it to match yours,” I said as I shoved her lightly. “I wanted everyone to know that I would overcome my fear of needles and proudly wear my commitment to you forever.”

“It made me happy,” she said as she kissed my head.

“How is it that I still feel this way when you are close?”

“That’s the work of many lifetimes spent together,” Lexa replied. “Our souls feel at home.”

“Why are you so sappy?” I snickered.

“Oh shush,” Lexa defended. “Let’s go check on Aden.”

Lexa pulled me out of the main hall and we walked to the groom’s room. She opened the door and I saw that Aden was still getting dressed. He turned around and I felt Lexa squeezing my hand tighter; I squeezed back to reassure her that I was fine.

“Mom, Lexa,” he smiled. “What do you think?”

I walked toward Aden and smoothed out his shirt.

“I think you are too young to leave us,” I insisted.

“Lexa,” Aden pouted. “Please help?”

“Clarke, we spoke about this, remember?” Lexa attempted softly. “His room would make a really great painting studio. It has the most light.”

“But he’s a baby!”

“I know, he is,” she replied softly. “But it’s time and you really want that studio.”

“Do you need me to remind you that I turned twenty-eight last month?”

“Is that really a necessary comment, Aden?” Lexa asked.

“Not at all,” Aden laughed. “Please continue. I’m still a baby.”

“See? We won’t have to deal with all that back talk anymore,” Lexa continued. “No back talk, paint studio, it’s really a great decision, Clarke.”

“You’re right,” I replied with a smile. “I already bought a new easel.”

“Well, now that you are fine,” Aden rolled his eyes. “Lexa, pep talk me please?”

“Don’t do this if you have any doubts, honey,” I rushed out.

“He’s not having any doubts, Clarke,” Lexa interrupted. “Calm down and think of the studio while I talk to him.”

I made my way to the couch and watched Lexa fix his bowtie.

“Tell me, what’s scary?”

“What if it’s a mistake?” Aden asked. “What if I’m miserable?”

“Your mother and I wouldn’t have let you marry anyone if we thought they weren’t good for you,” Lexa promised. “Annie is perfect for you. She’s as passionate, smart, and as creative as you are. You love her?”

“Very much,” Aden replied with a smile.

“She loves you, we are all sure of it,” she said. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Well, divorce for one.”

“Divorce happens. Doesn’t mean it’s always a bad thing,” Lexa insisted. “Your parents both got remarried after theirs to people they fit better with. You even gained a half brother.”

“I gained you too,” Aden whispered as he pulled Lexa into a hug.

I looked up at the two people before me and could see Lexa’s eyes began to water.

“Told you she would cry before me,” I smirked. “you owe me $5.”

“You know what? You shouldn’t get married, otherwise you’re going to have to deal with at least twenty years of that,” Lexa warned.

“If we are half as happy and perfect as you are, I’ll be fine,” Aden chuckled as I walked over to them.

I pulled Lexa away and kissed her cheek.

“You’re my favorite,” I whispered into her cheek.

“Still?”

“Still.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s a wrap!!! I am really sad about this ending but I cannot express how grateful I am that you have all chosen to take this journey with me. I started this story about four years ago when I realized I was gay. So much of it is true in some way and I have completely immersed myself into these characters. When I began writing this story, I was Clarke. I was a total mess really - lost and confused. I can’t remember so much of my life due to my mental health. My mind used to block out so much and I still haven’t found the courage to dig deeper into the darkness. The nightmares are true but I have yet to figure them out – that’s a reason that Clarke hasn’t figured it out yet. I did leave a few things unanswered but it’s because life doesn’t always give us answers. 
> 
> About the therapist – She is very real and she is a kind and gentle woman. She has been my therapist since I was sixteen. When I went to her as an adult and told her that I thought I was gay, I don’t know if she handled it very well. She was shocked but supportive. However, I never felt comfortable being open about that with her. She is a religious woman and I think she just doesn’t understand. In this story, I did want my reader to understand my own struggle with her. Yes, she does want the best for Clarke and she wants her happy. But deep down, I don’t think she is very supportive of her being gay and I do believe that she was trying to distract her from it. I can’t tell you what the truth is because I have yet to figure it out. She did help me tremendously with my mental health and I cannot be more grateful to her for that. I no longer go for sessions anymore but I am much healthier than I have ever been. Fortunately, I had incredible friends to help me figure out my sexuality. 
> 
> I hope I have at least answered all of your important questions by now. Please let me know if I haven’t and I’ll make sure to clarify everything. I do want to continue writing one shots based off this series. Please let me know if there is anything you would like to see specifically. There will probably be a bunch of smut chapters because that’s my favorite topic! I don’t know how often I will be posting but I will not leave you on any cliff hangers! Follow me on tumblr, talk to me, send me asks – it’s because of all of you that I actually finished this story. So, please harass me to keep writing!!
> 
> Also, if you want to read more of my work, please check out my collection on Amazon:  
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082QZQ51P/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_GiWqEbQZNKN84
> 
> Tumblr: writingcommander  
Instagram: NicoleHartley22


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